Primarily Terrible

Supporters pray over Republican presidential candidate, former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (C) during a campaign stop at the Bella Donna Chapel on February 8, 2012 in McKinney, Texas. [Getty Images]

I'm thinking it's images like the one above (barrrrrrrrf) that necessitated frontrunner (!?whut?!) Rick Santorum assuring voters that he is not running to be "pastor in chief" of the United States. (He totally is, by the way.) I will point out yet again, because I'm an asshole like that, that the church in which this revival campaign event was held is a tax exempt entity, since it is not considered inappropriately political for a congregation to lay its hands on a presidential candidate and pray for him in front of the news media.

I will also note (#asshole #atheist) that these laws were put into place back when religious institutions in this country were generally in the business of actually helping the poor in their communities and not building multimillion-dollar entertainment complexes complete with ATMs and gift shops.

Anyway!

Here is a fun quote from Rick Santorum, Master of Projection: "The intolerance of the left, the intolerance of the secular ideology, it is a religion unto itself, it is just not a biblical based religion, and it is the most intolerant. Just like we saw from the days of the atheists of the Soviet Union, it is completely intolerant of dissent. They fear dissent. Why? Because the dissent comes from folks who use reason, common sense, and divine revelation and they want no part of any of those things."

"Reason, common sense, and divine revelation." One of these things is not like the other, Rick Santorum!

Rick Santorum also said at the same revival campaign event: "The institution of marriage saved my life." Rick Santorum is a hyperbolic dipshit, so it is not literally true that marriage saved his life, but he clearly finds his marriage VERY IMPORTANT to the quality of his life. Which, of course, makes it even more heinous that he endeavors to deny participation in the institution of marriage to some people, on the basis of whom they want to marry.

"Here is a life-saving thing that YOU CANNOT HAVE!"—Rick Santorum, Good Christian.

Speaking of Good Christians, the American Conservative Union's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is this week, and, naturally Mitt Romney is heading on over in order to pretend like there's a chance in hell that he'll ever appeal to extreme social conservatives.

CPAC FUN FACT! In 2007, Mitt Romney introduced Ann Coulter at CPAC by saying, "I am happy to hear that after you hear from me, you will hear from Ann Coulter. That is a good thing. Oh yeah!" before Coulter took the stage and called John Edwards a nasty gay slur.

Mitt Romney will be in GREAT COMPANY again at this year's CPAC: "CPAC will play host to anti-gay groups such as the Family Research Council, the birther leader of WorldNetDaily, and the Apartheid-nostalgic Youth for Western Civilization. But that isn't all. Following speeches from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Rep. Michele Bachmann, CPAC is hosting (pdf) the panel 'The Failure of Multiculturalism: How the pursuit of diversity is weakening the American Identity' with Peter Brimelow, the founder and head of VDARE.com ... a White Nationalist website, run by [a dude] from Great Britain [who] expresses his fear of the loss of America's white majority, blames non-white immigrants for social and economic problems, and urges the Republican Party to give up on minority voters and focus on winning the white vote."

Awesome! Good company you keep, Mitt Romney!

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, who is still definitely in the race for inexplicable reasons, will also be in attendance at CPAC.

I guess Ron Paul isn't attending? Well, that makes sense. He's probably pretty confident everyone already knows he's a racist thanks to those suuuuuuuper racist newsletters.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

P.S. I just saw this wire photo of Rick Santorum wearing a cowboy hat while campaigning in Texas...


...and now I cannot unsee this:


To the Beltway...and BEYOND!
That may be the ticket with the best chance of beating the unstoppable Goat|Paperclip this year!

Have a nice day!

Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Dissemblin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, aka the garbage nightmare known as the Republican Primary.

Enthusiasm void, ATM, and current frontrunner Mitt Romney has opened a 21 point lead in South Carolina, site of the next primary. "Well, whatever, it's a little late to find someone who doesn't make us throw up in our mouths now," said a majority of Republican primary voters, followed by a great heaving sigh of disappointment.


Well, there's always joke candidate (but not in the same way that all the other candidates are joke candidates) Stephen Colbert!

Evangelicals are, of course, all about Rick Santorum, who was voted the Official Candidate of an Arbitrary Assortment of Social Conservatives this weekend: "The decision was made today after three rounds of balloting at a meeting of more than 150 social conservative leaders and political activists held over the last two days in Brenham, Texas. Though the meeting was widely seen as an effort to settle on a candidate to stop Mitt Romney, [Family Research Council President Tony Perkins] said it was 'not a bash Romney weekend' and 'not a lot of time' was spent discussing him. Jon Huntsman's campaign was the only campaign not to participate in the meeting."

Ha ha way to go, Jon Huntsman! Speaking of Jon Huntsman and how he has no chance of winning, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait! There is BIG JON HUNTSMAN NEWS! He has dropped out! And he's now expected to endorse Romney, who just last week he was calling "completely unelectable." Perfect. Thank you for reminding us that you are, in fact, a politician, sir. Good luck in the future. Don't ever change. Stay sweet. LYLAS. My z key will totally miss you.

This is my favorite headline of the day about Newt Gingrich: Gingrich faces tough questions at SC campaign event with black church. Like, one imagines, "What are you doing here?" and "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and "Are you aware, sir, that you are a huuuuuuuge racist?" The one thing you can definitely say about Newt Gingrich, though, is that he is a uniter and not a divider, because white people hate him, too.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something liberty schmiberty.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! In fact, great news for all you Perry fans out there: "Perry vows to fight on, regardless of result in South Carolina primary." Of course he does. Because he's a genius.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.