Primarily Terrible

Republican presidential candidate former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, walks away from the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox statues during a campaign stop at in Bemidji, Minn., Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012. [AP Photo]

Y'all, I'm worried about Rick Santorum. I remember a time when he never would have gotten that close to man-on-bull action. He's really lost his way during this national election, having to spend time in red-light districts like Iowa and centers of moral corruption like New Hampshire. If he makes it to Indiana, who knows what could happen? I live here, and look what it's done to me! We should send him back to the safety of Pennsylvania right away, before he ends up living in a gay brothel giving abortions to undocumented immigrants like I do.

Ha ha just kidding! Don't worry—Rick Santorum is still the heinous specimen of compassionless wreckage he's always been!

See Exhibit A: Santorum Longs for Good Old Days of 'Shadow Abortions' When Women Obtained Back-Alley Procedures.

In good news (for no one but Rick Santorum), he might win Missouri's non-binding primary! And he's doing well in Minnesota and Colorado, too! GOOD FOR YOU, RICK SANTORUM! You really picked a perfect year to run for president, when even a nightmare candidate like yourself would be given consideration by reasonable people desperate to find an alternative to the detestable frontrunner!

Speaking of Mitt Romney, he proudly announced the endorsement he got from former California Governor Pete Wilson, supporter of the state's infamous Proposition 187, which targeted undocumented workers. So, take note: Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people, he definitely doesn't care about women and the queer community, and he also doesn't care about Latin@ voters. True Facts!

Do you think that Mitt Romney realizes that "the 1%" isn't just a turn of phrase? Does he know it literally means 1% of the population? And that he needs more than 1% of the population to win a general election? Math is hard.

Something something Ron Paul. Still yammering about "freedom" while arguing that bodies with uteri should be government property. You are so terrible, Ron Paul! Gross!


Newt Gingrich, who is still in the campaign and is seriously boring me, was on the news this morning babbling some nonsense about how important he is blah blah and the proof is in the Saturday Night Live pudding or whatever. Who cares. Also: Wikipedia scrubbing! That is so boring! Even Newt Gingrich's campaign scandals are making me yawn!

Don't worry, Newt Gingrich. You are still more exciting than Jon Huntsman!

Hey! Speaking of candidates who have totes jumped outta the clown car, Michele Bachmann says she was the perfect candidate. Ha ha whooooooooooooops! She is even worse at math than Mitt Romney! Even mediocre candidates need more than 0% of the vote, Representative Bachmann!

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. He has not un-suspended his campaign yet.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

News I Don't Want to Write About

[Content Note: War, reproductive rights legislation, rape culture, violence, misogyny.]

Here is all the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the BIG NEWS that Iran is totally going to attack the US! It's true! Or not! It seems like I've heard this story before: The administration of a first-term president before a hotly contested election says that US intelligence has found that Iraq Iran is developing nuclear capabilities with intent to attack the US and/or US interests, and there are UN weapons inspections, with which Iraq Iran is cooperating, but the belligerent rhetoric of preemptive self-defense keeps getting ratcheted up nonetheless, including accusations of Iraq's Iran's noncompliance with those inspections. THIS IS A FAMILIAR TUNE, SHAKERS!

"Wolf!"—The Boy.

In good news, the New York Times is partying like it's 2003, because they've already got a year of reporting covered c/o search and replace.


There is the news that Michele Bachmann exited the presidential campaign one million dollars in debt. And the news that Rick Perry blew through $15 million in the final months of his campaign, for presumably no purpose other than raising awareness about what a douche he is so he could LOSE FASTER! This is yet another golden opportunity for USians to consider how utterly fucked up it is that we do not have publicly financed elections or limited electoral seasons, and very rich people spend enormous amounts of money to get elected while other politicians who have already been elected argue in fancy buildings about how we don't have any money to provide healthcare, food, and housing to everyone in the country.

There is the news that former Florida Governor Charlie Crist might someday run again for office as a Democrazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huntsman-Crist for President-VP of Napping!

There is the story about Janet Howell, a Virginia State Senator, who, to Make A Point, attached an amendment to a state mandatory ultrasound abortion bill "that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication." Hardy-har. Suffice it to say I don't find proposing the equivalent of a forced trans-vaginal sonogram law to be amusing, since it's little more than a sophisticated rape joke. I am, I trust it is evident, sympathetic to Howell's intentions, but I cannot get on board with fighting the nonconsensual control of the bodies of women and other people with uteri with a proposal for more of it, rather than less. Coercing a person to undergo an unnecessary vaginal probe to acquire a legal medical procedure is rape, and compelling an anal probe is no different.

There is news about ladies! The US women's soccer league's 2012 season has been cancelled less than 24 hours after the US women's national team qualified for the Olympics. If there's one thing we know how to do in America, it's treat women's sports like absolute shit!

There is the story of a man in Afghanistan, where we've been SPREADING FREEDOM for ten years and counting, who has reportedly strangled his wife after she failed to bear him a son. Three healthy daughters, though. Who now have no mother. Rage. Seethe. Boil.

There is this story about "three regulators [who] did indeed ring warning bells [about the subprime financial crisis]—at the right time, in the right places, and loud enough for other banking and financial system overseers," but were all ignored. Guess what they all have in common? Go on—guess! If you said they were all ladies, give yourself 1,000 points, redeemable at Shakesville's OMFG the Absurd Misogyny in the Year 2012 Shop!

Ladynews Trifecta!

There is, because I want to end on a hopeful note, this story about a potential breakthrough in cancer research and one patient's view of a future.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

People wait to listen to Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich speak during a campaign event at Dolphin Aviation on January 24, 2012 in Sarasota, Florida. [Getty Images]

What, no Jesus? Obviously these people aren't Real Americans.

The Big News today is, of course, that President Barack Obama has started campaigning in earnest. But there's still some dribbly tidbits from the race to find out who will be losing to him later this year...

Frontrunner Newt Gingrich is now leading nationally, which means it's time to amplify the fuckitude! (True Fact: That is also what I shout when my Journey cover band, Tim Geitner Is Stoked, takes the stage.) Expect lots and lots of racism, everywhere he goes, along the lines of this uncovered gem during his time as Speaker: "For poor minorities, entrepreneurship in small business is the key to future wealth. This is understood thoroughly by most of the Asians, partially by Latinos, and to a tragically small degree by much of the American black community."

Newt Gingrich draws such pretty pictures of people who are different from him. I love his monolithographs.

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. *sadface*

Mitt Romney is, perhaps you've heard, very rich. Tax returns, tithing to the Mormon Church, multiple homes. I don't know how a Republican primary got to be about how one rich asshole among a field of rich assholes is SUCH A RICH ASSHOLE, but there you go. I guess that's what happens when it's considered inappropriate to say, "Ew—he's a MORMON!" as if Mormonism is SO GRODY, even though it's no weirder than any other religion but is somehow considered by most other religious people to be unacceptably weird.

In related Romney news, the detestable Jay Leno is being sued after making a Mitt Romney joke, because he took (yet another) swipe at Sikhs in the process, reminding us once again that he is being paid millions of dollars a year to be a gross schoolyard bully.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, know what Ron Paul and Barack Obama have in common? Neither of them gives a flying flunderton about limits on reproductive rights when they say words like "freedom."

I'm sure there is some very scintillating news about Rick Santorum in the world. I bet he's out there ruining sock garters and bowler hats for everyone, just like he's giving sweater vests a bad name. TEAM SWEATER VEST!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Photo of the Day

"Turns out, I'm a douchecanoe!"
Goodbye, Rick Perry. Tonight's debate won't be the same without you saying something very silly and/or forgetting something! I will miss you!

[Getty Images]

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here is the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the interview with Marianne Gingrich, ex-wife of Newt Gingrich, which I did mention in today's Primarily Speaking piece, but is VERY BIG NEWS all over the internetz, where many people are fervently discussing how Newt is a marriage hypocrite for wanting an "open marriage," even though, as others have noted, retroactively asking permission to fuck someone on the side after you've been fucking them on the side for years isn't technically asking for an open marriage as much as it is asking the horse to go back in the barn and please kindly close the barn door after itself.

So, yeah, this is VERY BIG NEWS today, oh boy, but I don't personally feel like there's anything smart or interesting I can say about it, because this is how it looks inside my brain:

Marianne Gingrich: My ex-husband is a garbage nightmare with rotten walnuts where his decency should be.

Me: No doy.

In related news I don't want to write about, Rick Perry—who definitely dropped out today and I hope you are not too sad!—is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Great. Who cares.

There is various news about the wreck of the Costa Concordia cruise liner, including the captain's claim that "he was unable to lead the evacuation because he slipped and tripped into a lifeboat while helping passengers leave the stricken vessel." This whole situation makes me sad and infuriated. I hate the news coverage, I hate most of the responses I'm reading to what happened, and I hate that it happened at all.

There is the news that President Obama has "rejected a bid to expand the controversial Keystone oil sands pipeline." I only don't want to write about this news because I frankly don't know enough about it. It's good news, though, I think? You tell me!

There is this gross article in Slate, about whether small boobs are making a comeback. Ha ha. This is an especially fun conversation for a fat lady with giant boobs, because the "big boobs" that were supposedly more fashionable than small boobs are not actually "big" (but "medium") on any boob spectrum that encompasses a truly representative breadth of natural (and/or unnatural) diversity. It's just that he's writing about "sexy boobs," not the unacceptably large and always unfashionable boobs like I've got.

"Eww!"—Dudes who say they love big natural boobs, when they actually see big natural boobs.

There is the hawt news that my nightmare of a governor Mitch Daniels will deliver the Republican response to the President's upcoming State of the Union address. I'm so happy for you! It's so not fair that we Hoosiers get him all to ourselves! Now you can enjoy him, too! (P.S. Watch the veep slot!)

And finally, there is the report that American Idol is getting terrible ratings. Huh. Well, maybe it's the fact that the once-unique(ish) show now has a billion competitors, or maybe it's Steven Tyler being a lecherous creepazoid, or maybe it's the fact that "America" decided to draw the line under Scotty McCreery, because Jumps Sharko.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

OMG BIG NEWS, Y'ALL!

Rick Perry is NOT in the race! He has definitely dropped out! (Or will, in like an hour.) RIP my favorite joke. Now please cue Bad Day while I honor Rick Perry's amazing journey as a stellar candidate with a tasteful retrospective highlighting the best moments of his candidacy:


Amen. My condolences to Texas.

In other BIG NEWS that totally doesn't matter, Rick Santorum probably really won the Iowa Caucus. I'm sure Rick Santorum will, when not saying weird shit about his family life, whine pitiably about how being declared the winner too late hurt his election chances, but, the truth is, he'll reap more benefit from headlining reports two days before the South Carolina primary that he actually won in Iowa than the dwindling momentum from winning would be helping him right now. (That sentence definitely makes sense.)

Well, the retroactive win news would have given him a much-needed bump, if Rick Perry hadn't stolen his media thunder by dropping out today. Ha ha whoooooooooops!

It's all good news for Mitt Romney!


One piece of bad news for Romney (not really; he is definitely going to win without breaking a sweat) is that Newt Gingrich is gaining on him in the polls in South Carolina! Oh noes! Luckily, Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich's most recent ex-wife, is fixing to take care of that for Willard. Marianne has always said she could derail her former garbage monster of a spouse with one interview, and now it looks like she's ready to rock and roll! All right then. Go get 'm, girl!

In other Newt News, Gingrich continues to pretend he doesn't understand why calling President Obama the "food stamp president" is racist, and also why it's mendacious bullshit to say that the record numbers of USians using food stamps is exclusively or even primarily because of Barack Obama's policies. Gingrich is not that stupid. He knows he's being a lying, race-baiting dirtbag. But for shits and farts, let's pretend he doesn't: Then he's too stupid to be president. The end.

And here's one more tidbit for ya before we depart for Paulier shores: Gingrich, like the rest of his ideological compatriots, loves violent imagery. He's gonna knock out the president. But it's just a METAPHOR—what are you, SENSITIVE or something?! Just scroll back up and have a gander at Rick Perry's Big Zany Funtime Photo-Op with a Gun! That'll cheer up your dour, humorless, feminazi ass!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Annoying

Breaking News from the Republican Primary: Mitt Romney is going to be the nominee. You heard it here first. Or somewhere else.


Speaking of Willard, here is an interesting piece by Rick Perlstein. (Who, by the way, in addition to being an excellent writer, is a really nice guy, no sarcasmo. You should read everything he writes, for realz.) What I find particularly compelling about this examination of Romney's political career as rebellion against his father is how familiar a story it really is: The Bushes, the Bayhs, both sides of the aisle. That our political system is deeply reactionary and patriarchal is not a new observation, but it is quite literally so, too.

Hey! Want to read John McCain's opposition research on Mitt Romney? Sure you do! And here it is! All 200 pages of it! I'm sure there's nothing in there that would make it seem sorta embarrassing that John McCain just endorsed him ha ha! Nosir!

Newt Gingrich continues stomping all over the eastern United States on his anti-Romney crusade. His latest hilarious proposal is to urge Rick Santorum and Rick Perry to drop out and endorse him. Ha ha awesome. I'm sure they'll get right on that!

"There is no way I'm dropping out of this race and endorsing Newt Gingrich. Despite his being a profoundly indecent human being whom no one should ever trust with the stewardship of a used Oldsmobile, no less the stewardship of a nation, he still hasn't attained the breathtaking levels of abject hatred for marginalized people that only I bring to the table. I mean, there are times I feel like his bigotry isn't even authentic and he's just going through the motions. Yeah, there's no way I could endorse someone when I can't even be sure he REALLY hates feminists, queers, blacks, atheists, and other assorted uppity rabble-rousers. Immigrants! I forgot to say immigrants!"—Rick Santorum.

"I am definitely still in the race! I have not dropped out yet!"—Rick Perry.

Something something Ron Paul.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

Soooooo, there was totally ANOTHER GOP DEBATE last night, because what better way to recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. Day than to listen to five white racists talk about all the ways they want to undermine the social safety net and roll back all progress toward social justice?

I did not watch the debate, because who fucking cares, but here is my Executive Summary nonetheless: Taxes, Jesus, bootstraps, Reagan, endless war, entitlements, Romney's a poopface, greatest nation in the world, job creators, the end.

Speaking of Mitt Romney, the worst person on the planet until everyone else drops out and endorses him ("Holla!"—Jon Huntsman), Old Doodyhead now has "a commanding 23-point lead over his nearest competitor among Republican registered voters nationally," according to Gallup's latest polling. Congratulations, Mitt Romney! You continue to be the least objectionable of a group of horrible individuals!


Despite the utter futility of even passingly contemplating being able to derail Romney's comfy train-ride to the nomination, his opponents went on the attack in the debate last night, and they're starting to run oppo ads in South Carlina and Florida. Here's a fun one (see if you can guess whose ad it is before the big reveal!):

Obama supported the Wall Street bailouts; so did Romney. Obama gave us radical Obamacare, that was based on Romneycare. Obama's a liberal on social issues; Romney once bragged he's even more liberal than Ted Kennedy on social issues. Why would we ever vote for someone who's just like Obama...when we can unite around Rick Santorum? And beat Obama! [I'm Rick Santorum and I approve this message!]

Ha ha sure. Good one, Rick Santorum. You are a uniter not a divider! What America needs is not the choice between two milquetoast moderates, but one milquetoast moderate and one EXTREME RIGHTWING DIRTBAG! You will definitely win the Republican nomination now and definitely beat Obama! Good for you!

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich, whom I increasingly suspect of being a closet Barack Obama supporter, because he doesn't seem to want to win the nomination himself, nor does he seem to want any of the other Republicans to win, says don't vote for Rick Santorum! (No problem, bub.) A vote for Rick Santorum is a vote for Mitt Romney! I guess? I mean, I suppose that's a compelling argument on Planet Gleep-Glorp or wherever it is that it's possible to pretend that these primaries still matter and there is the reasonable chance of a Romney upset. But everywhere else, like here, on Earth, it just sounds like nonsense. "Your blather is too hooeylicious for us, Newt."—Everyone.

Point-Counterpoint: Rick Santorum's wife, Karen Santorum, aka the Luckiest Lady in America, says that, contra Gingrich, Rick Santorum is AWESOME and "gay activists" are mean jerks. I'm convinced! You've convinced me, Karen Santorum! I used to think that your husband was a shit-hole constipated with rock-hard turds of undeterrable bigotry, but now I see that it's just those horrible "gay activists" vilifying him for loving them enough to make sure they don't get married and cause the Baby Jesus to cry. WHAT A GENEROUS MAN HE IS.

I don't know if I'm more grateful to Karen Santorum for speaking out, or to CNN for reporting this important news item. Thanks to BOTH of you!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Dissemblin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, aka the garbage nightmare known as the Republican Primary.

Enthusiasm void, ATM, and current frontrunner Mitt Romney has opened a 21 point lead in South Carolina, site of the next primary. "Well, whatever, it's a little late to find someone who doesn't make us throw up in our mouths now," said a majority of Republican primary voters, followed by a great heaving sigh of disappointment.


Well, there's always joke candidate (but not in the same way that all the other candidates are joke candidates) Stephen Colbert!

Evangelicals are, of course, all about Rick Santorum, who was voted the Official Candidate of an Arbitrary Assortment of Social Conservatives this weekend: "The decision was made today after three rounds of balloting at a meeting of more than 150 social conservative leaders and political activists held over the last two days in Brenham, Texas. Though the meeting was widely seen as an effort to settle on a candidate to stop Mitt Romney, [Family Research Council President Tony Perkins] said it was 'not a bash Romney weekend' and 'not a lot of time' was spent discussing him. Jon Huntsman's campaign was the only campaign not to participate in the meeting."

Ha ha way to go, Jon Huntsman! Speaking of Jon Huntsman and how he has no chance of winning, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait! There is BIG JON HUNTSMAN NEWS! He has dropped out! And he's now expected to endorse Romney, who just last week he was calling "completely unelectable." Perfect. Thank you for reminding us that you are, in fact, a politician, sir. Good luck in the future. Don't ever change. Stay sweet. LYLAS. My z key will totally miss you.

This is my favorite headline of the day about Newt Gingrich: Gingrich faces tough questions at SC campaign event with black church. Like, one imagines, "What are you doing here?" and "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and "Are you aware, sir, that you are a huuuuuuuge racist?" The one thing you can definitely say about Newt Gingrich, though, is that he is a uniter and not a divider, because white people hate him, too.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something liberty schmiberty.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! In fact, great news for all you Perry fans out there: "Perry vows to fight on, regardless of result in South Carolina primary." Of course he does. Because he's a genius.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Whoooooooooops

Oh, Rick Perry. You are so tragic.

I would probably feel sorry for you if I didn't know you to be a terrible person and a garbage governor who believes bootstraps and prayer to be more important than good governance.

Definitely still in the race. Hasn't dropped out yet.

Primarily Awful

"HA HA HA you're fired! HA HA HA you're ALLLLLLL fired!"
Frontrunner (again) Mitt Romney continues to endear himself to the 99% by saying things like: "You know, I think [the nation's growing focus on income inequality is] about envy. I think it's about class warfare." Ha ha sure it is. Definitely what people who are struggling to feed their children are thinking is, "I'm so JEALOUS of Mitt Romney that he is able to feed his children."

I wonder what the weather is like on Planet Willard. I bet every day feels like a summer's eve.

In a stroke of good fortune (pun intended), his opponents' attacks on Romney's tenure as a corporate raider at Bain Capital have backfired on them and united conservatives behind Romney. It's probably not so much that they give a fuck about Romney, although there are certainly signs his inevitability is beginning to sink in, but that they are pissed off about their own unfettered avarice being demonized. Superwealthy GOP donors aren't going to keep pouring their cash into campaigns where they're made into villains, and, if he's got nothing else going for him, Romney can be counted on to never criticize either corporate or personal greed.

In totally related news, Jeb Bush is reportedly going to endorse Romney before the Florida primary.

Before we move on to the obligatory news about the no-hope wannabes, here is my favorite Willard-related headline of the day: C-SPAN Getting Hammered with Prank Calls about Mitt Romney's Penis. Perfect.

Jon Huntsman remains a great candidate: "Jon Huntsman said Wednesday that expectations for his performance in the Jan. 21 primary [in South Carolina] are 'very low.' ... In a state where he's far behind in the polls and in a ground operation, Huntsman suggested that staying in the conversation—rather than winning—is the goal. 'It's just like the stock market, and as we get closer to Election Day, you all are going to say Huntsman has got to clear a certain hurdle to stay relevant, to stay alive,' he said." Nope! We are all saying now that Huntsman has no chance, Huntsman is wasting his time, and Huntsman should go home and go to bed. And as we get closer to Election Day, we are all going to be saying the same thing, only louder and with more snickering.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something fauxgressive misogynists.

Rick Santorum : Sweater Vests :: Major League Baseball Player : Unwashed Socks.

It's called magic. Look it up.

Newt Gingrich, having abandoned his strategy of sounding like someone who cares about the 99%, is now launching a more traditionally conservative attack on Mitt Romney: Noting that he speaks French. Good one, Gingrich. You might not win the primary, but your crass, brazen, cynical fuckery will always remain second to none.

Rick Perry is definitely still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

And there's a late entry into the Republican field: Stephen Colbert announced on his show last night "that he is exploring a presidential run in South Carolina, and made it legal by handing control of his super PAC to Jon Stewart in the opening segment."

Sure, why not? This whole primary is a joke. It might as well contain an actual comedian.

I'm sure the Founders are so proud. "We're flipping our literal wigs!"—The Founders. Well, that's what you get for being racist, misogynist crumblebums!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from These Bootstraps Are Made for Walking, and That's Just What They'll Do; One of These Days These Bootstraps Are Gonna Walk All Over YOU! aka the Republican Primary...


Looks like we finally know who farted, y'all.
Did you know that everyone hates Mitt Romney? It's true! Even Sarah Palin hates him, and went on Fox News to demand that Romney provide proof of the 100,000 jobs he keeps saying he created during his tenure as Chief Corporate Raider at Bain Capital. She also wants to see his tax returns. Mimeographs or it didn't happen!

Whooooooooooops my mistake! There is one person who hearts Mitt Romney, and that person is none other than John Bolton! In addition to offering his endorsement, John Bolton will "join [candidate Romney's] top team of foreign-policy advisers, according to people close to the campaign." Wowee wow! That is not only excellent news for all of us, because if Mitt Romney wins it means MORE JOHN BOLTON FOR EVERYONE, but also speaks to the moderation, wisdom, and fundamental decency of Mitt Romney that he would want on his team the guy who says assassination and sanctions in Iran are "half-measures" and calls for a full-on "attack."

Yay for war! More war! Aggressive mustaches for everyone!

Moving on.

Rick Perry is definitely still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Newt Gingrich confesses he should probably stop attacking Romney using the whole "greedy capitalist garbage nightmare" angle, because he sounds too much like a Democrat, and also too much like a human being with a functional empathy center.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, did you know that Ron Paul is anti-choice? It's true! And yet some dudes who claim to be progressives nonetheless think he's awesome because they don't understand that allowing the state to force women to carry pregnancies they don't want is incompatible with freedom! Whooooooooooops you are misogynists!

Jon Huntsman zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. South Carolina zzzzzzzzz.

Rick Santorum announces that he is unelectable: "[Mitt Romney]'s the most electable because the establishment feels comfortable with him. Right? That's it. Well they're not going to feel comfortable with me!" Welp, we already knew that Rick Santorum was totally unelectable, for myriad reasons. Nice to see he's caught up and is finally on the same page. Good job, Santorum. Now go home and take a nap.

Hey, want one more reason to hate Mitt Romney? Here's a doozy: "According to a passage from a forthcoming book, The Real Romney, while serving as bishop of a Mormon congregation near Boston in the early 80's, Romney once threatened to excommunicate a young single mother if she did not give her soon-to-be-born son up for adoption." Neat! What a neat guy with such a neat religion!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Bored

"What is the MATTER with you people?!"
Welp, it was a real nail-biter (for people who bite their nails out of boredom) last night, as Mitt Romney cruised to totally predictable victory in New Hampshire. Do you want to read his victory speech? Here it is! The best part is how he says President Obama "chastises friends like Israel" immediately after sneering that Obama "wants to turn America into a European-style entitlement society. We want to ensure that we remain a free and prosperous land of opportunity." So he basically calls our European allies garbage, then scolds Obama for his alleged lack of diplomacy. Okay, player.

By the way, is that the same President Obama who's reportedly overseeing US involvement with Israel and Britain in a covert war against Iran, by any chance? Some friend to Israel he is!

(Which is certainly not to say I agree with this bullshit strategy of preemptive covert war, because I don't, but the suggestion that President Obama is hostile to Israel while currently fighting a covert war as their ally is mendacious in the extreme.)

Anyway! Congratulations to Ron Paul, who came in second last night. Second! And while everyone else scrambles to try to figure out how to stop the MittMobile in its tracks, Ron Paul's got a swell idea: "We urge Ron Paul's opponents who have been unsuccessfully trying to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney to unite by getting out of the race and uniting behind Paul's candidacy," campaign chair Jesse Benton said in a statement. Ha ha brilliant. Why didn't anyone else think of that?!

Inconceivably, Rick Perry is still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Rick Santorum's near-upset in Iowa did not translate to Santorumentum in New Hampshire, to no one's surprise except apparently Rick Santorum's. He came in a distant fifth, and now he heads off to South Carolina, where he imagines he's going to do very well among Protestant bigots who haven't noticed he's Catholic yet. "Direct your attention to the Mormon driving this clown car of the damned! You don't want your only choices on Election Day to be a Mormon and a Muslim, DO YOU?!"

Speaking of Mormons, Jon Huntsman's big gamble in New Hampshire did not pay off!

Sad Trombone sound bite  Sad sound bites

Everyone's so sad for Jon Huntsman, I'm sure. It's hard to believe that his carefully devised strategy of speaking in Mandarin during debates, being part of a religion that is no weirder than any other religion but is somehow considered by most other religious people to be unacceptably weird, and not being an unrepentant bigot about every single thing ever has not won him more favor among Republican primary voters! Huh.

And yet Jon Huntsman will not be deterred! He's heading south to South Carolina, where the demographics might not favor him but the open primaries do! Huntsman is now betting on Independents, Democrats, and progressives who would at least prefer not to have a complete nightmare disaster in the White House if President Obama loses turning out to Republican primaries to vote for him (or against everyone else). Well, it's a nice thought, but maybe Jon Huntsman didn't hear while he was in China that corporations own our government and our elections now, which has made voters pretty disillusioned even on Election Day, and only TOTAL NERDZ like the inhabitants of this space give a flying fuck about this primary.

Still: Good luck, Jon Huntsman! You are definitely going to need it!

Something something Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney is a lying money-fucker, etc.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! It's Primary Day in New Hampshire! Are you so excited? I am so excited! I can barely contain my enthusiasm for watching Jon Huntsman not win today! It's going to be GREAT!

In fact, I'm so pumped for this thrilling exercise in American Democracy today, that I'm going to begin this morning's Primary Rodeo with a pop quiz! Are you ready? Get ready!

Q: Who's got at least one thumb and is a full-tilt jackass? A: This guy!


Speaking of that guy being a jackass, Mitt Romney is under fire, from the other candidates, for saying: "I like being able to fire people that provide services to me. If, you know, someone doesn't give the good service I need, I want to say, 'You know, I'm going to get someone else to provide that service to me.'" Which sounds a lot like "I like to fire people!" as not a few people are (deliberately) misinterpreting that statement to be, but is not. It's actually just the heartless admission of an entitled jackass whose undiluted privilege has rid him of empathy or patience, and convinced him that the failure of "good service" on demand is axiomatically grounds for firing.

Personally, I find that rather worse than a cartoonish version of Willard twirling his mustache while mwah-ha-haing about firing people willy-nilly, but I guess that's easier to convey in a soundbite than, "Romney's the self-important fuckhead who says, 'I'll have your job!' because some of the breading fell off his corndog."

Anyway! Mr. Privilege is still polling best against Obama, but 58% of Republicans want more presidential choices. LULZ. Whoooooooops! Mitt Romney, your new name is "Bizarro Sally Field." They hate you; they really hate you!

In other not-news, Newt Gingrich is a huge hypocrite! "Newt Gingrich has ramped up his attacks on Mitt Romney as a heartless leveraged buyout executive for his years at Bain Capital, asking reporters in Manchester on Monday, 'Is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of other people and walk off with the money? Or is that, somehow, a little bit of a flawed system?' But Mr. Gingrich was himself on an advisory board for a major investment firm that had a similar business model, Forstmann Little, a pioneering private equity firm co-founded in 1978 by Theodore J. Forstmann that was, along with Mr. Romney's Bain Capital and Henry R. Kravis's Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts, among the leading private equity firms during the 1980s and 1990s." Ha ha ha ha barf!

Newt Gingrich would have to be concerned about this apparent hypocrisy if he were actually running for president and not running to sink Mitt Romney's battleship.

Something something Ron Paul.

Rick Santorum had a fun event yesterday, where he mocked Bob Dole and John McCain being nominated because it was "their turn," and elided the eight-year garbage disaster that was the Bush presidency, when a rightwing religious ideologue was nominated "out of turn" like he would like to be. That's funny for more reasons than because the crowd booed Bob Dole and John McCain, although I find that very funny, too!

Speaking of John McCain, he says that SuperPACs are bad for democracy. No shit, Sherlock!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! (Watch this space tomorrow.)

Jon Huntsman is zzzzzzzzzzzz New Hampshire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz almost tied with Romney zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Here's the thing: Even if Jon Huntsman wins today, it's not like he's going to go on to South Carolina and win over the incredibly conservative Republican primary voters by talking about his support for civil unions in Mandarin. And it's unlikely that a slim win over Romney would derail his trajectory: Romney would have to come in fourth today behind Huntsman, Paul, and Santorum for his candidacy to get truly shaky. Which means everyone else is running for vice president, and there ain't gonna be a double-Mormon ticket, so Jon Huntsman is seriously out of luck.

Speaking of potential veep picks, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is a sexist asshole. Gross.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

So, aside from the two debates over the weekend, here's the latest from Scary Thoughters and the Ideologues' Drone, aka the Republican Primary...

Rick Perry, who is definitely still in the race and has not dropped out yet, has a really interesting foreign policy position: He would send troops back to Iraq. What a swell idea! I'm sure this is a plan that every US man, woman, and child will totally get behind.

Speaking of super-smart people who have great ideas in their brains, Rick Santorum says there's no need for a federal law banning adoption by same-sex couples because "there are only gay couples in certain states." Ha ha sure. Like the state of San Francisco and the state of Provincetown. Even by Rick Santorum's standards of saying stupid things—which is to say: uttering incomprehensibly stupid things in the most absurd way on a near-constant basis—this one's a real doozy.

In other Smart Guy News, Mitt Romney yukked it up during the debates about how rich he is and how politics is only for rich people. Which is obviously true. But that's a problem with our ostensibly democratic system, not a feature, as Mitt Romney evidently regards it to be. You're gross, Mitt Romney. Shut up.

Jon Huntsman zzzzzzzzzzzzzz in New Hampshire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh! Here's something funny about Jon Huntsman: In order to prove he knows a lot about the global economy at one of the debates, he started speaking in Mandarin. (Because he was the ambassador to China, you see.) That is a man who really knows his audience! "Wowee wow! That guy is a real international sophisticate!" said no one in attendance at the GOP primary debate. "Check his birth certificate!" said EVERYONE.

Newt Gingrich pulled out the most tiresome and exhausting defense ever when a black business-owner in New Hampshire took offense to the Gingrich's suggestion last week that most black people are unemployed and on food stamps: "I mean clearly somebody who's served with Colin Powell, who has served with Condoleezza Rice, I have a fairly good sense of the fact that African Americans have many contributions to America." Newt Gingrich has black friends colleagues! Yiiiiiiiikes.

Something something Ron Paul.

Finally, here is the trailer for a new documentary (lulz) called "When Mitt Romney Came to Town" (lulz) about Mitt Romney's time as CEO of Bain Capital. Now, Mitt Romney's tenure with Bain is essentially the history of the garbage nightmare that is modern capitalism: Bain, under Romney's guidance, their wheels greased by the wanton corporate deregulation of the 1980's, blazed the trail that led Corporate America from a traditional capitalist system built on goods and services and unionized workers, to the modern system built on corporate plundering, consumer fraud, and worker exploitation. So a serious documentary about Romney's corporate history would be really fascinating and illuminating—if it weren't done by a Newt Gingrich SuperPAC that substitutes ominous cloud imagery for facts.

This trailer is slated to be run in South Carolina in an attempt to tank Romney's candidacy. Which is pretty cool for all of us who don't want a Republican president, because it ain't gonna send his primary bid off the rails, but it just might come in useful during the general. Good job as always, Newt Gingrich's SuperPAC!


Once upon a time, America was happy and there was sunshine and tinkly piano music. But the American Dream fell into the wrong hands, and greedy corporate raiders who took money from foreigners destroyed everything! People's lives were ruined and now there's nothing but storm clouds and ominous music in America. "For tens of thousands of Americans, the suffering began when Mitt Romney came to town." That is actually true, but OMG looks and sounds very silly in this trailer.

I know that's a pretty awful paraphrase, but, trust me, it doesn't matter.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

So the Republicans Had Two More Debates...

The Republican candidates for president had two more debates this weekend, one Saturday night and one Sunday night, bring the total number of debates this campaign season to SO MANY DEBATES! I mean, just an extraordinary number of debates. I've covered at least 87,000 of them since last June.

Anyway! They were pretty much the same as all the previous debates, minus even the most cursory token to the myth that the GOP is a "big tent" of diversity. Just a bunch of rich straight white dudes standing around trying to out-asshole each other.


I sardonically live-tweeted both debates, so below, in all its disjointed glory, is my running commentary from Twitter during the funtime events from New Hampshire.

Saturday Night:

This Republican debate is the best yet of the fully ONE MILLION debates they've had so far during this primary.

Jon Huntsman literally looks like he wonders wtf he's doing there. He clearly lost a bet with the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

When Gingrich said he'd run a positive campaign, he meant his campaign would test positive for fuckery, whut, and general indecency.


Kenny Blogginz just described Willard as making "an epic stand-by face." LOLOLOL!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Did I just hear Rick Santorum say that gay people only live in some states? WHUT.

Huntsman's blue tie has subconsciously convinced me to vote for him! But whooooops his garbage ideology has consciously convinced me NOT to.

"I want to openly fight holy wars as your next president!"—Pope Rick Santorum.

I have literally talked to visiting racist druncles of random acquaintances who make more sense than Rick Santorum.

The only thing that could have made this debate EVEN BETTER was a commercial starring Fred Thompson. Huzzah! #whofarted

The thing I love most about GOP primaries is watching a bunch of rich white dudes competing to run the government talking about how much government sucks.

I am mildly concerned that Newt Gingrich and I have the same haircut.

Iain is seething and squirming and screaming at the television. I bet he's extra glad he moved to the US right now!


The middle class is shrinking! Know what's not shrinking? Ron Paul's suit jacket.

Oh pardon me. Kenny Blogginz just informed me he needs a larger jacket to conceal his potions. I wasn't aware. My bad.

"A radical European socialist model." LOL! If only.

Rick Santorum really begs for the revival of the term "piss-ant."

I can't wait to see which one of these magicians Republican voters pick to conjure another century for the American Empire!

I mean, sure, these guys are cavernous assholes with coffee grounds and eggshells where their decency should be, but at least they're COOL.

RT @DeekyMD Who here is a douchebag? Anyone? pic.twitter.com/gr8OcYLY

Sunday Morning:

I cannot even believe there's another Republican debate this morning. I bet future losing candidate to Pres. Obama Mitt Romney can't either.

Where are all the Fred Thompson commercials this morning? #whofarted

Me: "There's another Republican debate this morning." Iain: "WHAAAT?! What are they debating? They can't be serious! Now I'm angry." LOL!

Mitt Romney just said in the same breath he supports "full rights" for gay people and opposes same-sex marriage. Whoooops!

Dudley just barfed. I'm pretty sure in dog that means he just founded the Greyhounds Against Rick Santorum PAC.

Pious baloney tastes great on pathetic anger bread.

"Supply side economics." The political equivalent of a Thriller Zombie: Totes reminds me of the 80s and won't die.

Willard just made another epic stand-by face. Cntl+Alt+Delete!

Every time one of these hyperbolic liars calls Obama a socialist, all I can think is, "If only!"


Santorum hates "a theocracy that views the afterlife as better than this one," b/c he prefers theocracies that view the pre-life as better than this one.

"Four Pinnochios! Do you know what it takes to get Four Pinnochios?!" Oh my god. This country is doomed.

Rick Santorum keeps reminding me of the sociopathic doomsday killer played by Colin Hanks in the last season of Dexter. It's not so much that he resembles Hanks (although he does) but more the terse hostility lingering behind the thin facade of friendliness. If he starts building tableaux, watch out. Is what I'm saying.

Primarily Horrendo

Did you hear the big news? Some dude says Rick Santorum really won Iowa, and it was a typo that inadvertently gave it to Mitt Romney! Whooooooooooops! "A spokeswoman with the Iowa Republican Party said [Edward True, who is a Ron Paul supporter] is not a precinct captain and he's not a county chairperson so he has no business talking about election results." Ha ha uh-oh. Congratulations, Mr. Santorum!

Just kidding. This is all very scandalous, I'm sure. It will definitely be a serious pebble in the road as Mitt Romney continues to drive his 18-wheeler Mack straight to his concession speech after losing to President Obama.

But! In the meantime! Rick Santorum makes the very compelling case that "we always need a Jesus candidate." Do you think he has someone specific in mind? I bet he has someone specific in mind. "We need someone who believes in something more than themselves and not just the economy. When we say, 'God bless America,' do we mean it or do we just say it?" Uh ha ha did a candidate for the presidency just say that emotionally investing in a rote aphorism of inappropriately sectarian ego-nationalism is more important than the economy while the real unemployment rate is almost 16%? COOL CANDIDATE! He would make an excellent president of the United States of Praying Is Easier Than Math!

In other Santorum news, he now claims he never said "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them other people's money," but instead that he said "bluh people." Defending himself on Bill O'Reilly's show (obviously), Santorum explained: "I don't use the term 'black' very often. I use the term 'African American' more than I use 'black.' And I as someone who did more work for historically black colleges, I used to—every year I used to bring all the historically black colleges into Washington, D.C. to try to help them." He then quickly distracted everyone with jazz hands.


Did the future president of the United States of Praying Is Easier Than Math just argue that he rarely uses the word "black" and then use the word "black" twice in quick succession? Math really IS hard!

Y'all, I'm not sure if we should elect Rick Santorum president. What will all the historically black colleges (ALL OF THEM!) do without his help? I worry for all the historically black colleges without the paternalistic condescension of Rick Santorum to help them, you guys. Let's not elect him so he can keep on helping them, okay?

*cough*fuckyouricksantorumyouracistfucko*cough*

Jon Huntsman got a big endorsement from the Boston Globe, which zzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. So, yeah, Jon Huntsman got zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, did you know that Ron Paul is anti-choice? It's true! And yet some dudes who claim to be progressives nonetheless think he's awesome! Whooooooooooops you are misogynists!

Newt Gingrich is just letting loose (video starts playing automatically at link) on Mitt Romney now, and it is very funny! "I think as people look at his record and then imagine him debating Obama, Obama is going to laugh at him." LOL! Yes! That is very true! Every time I picture Mitt Romney debating President Obama, I picture Mitt Romney saying something all Mitt Romneyish, and President Obama making this face:


—and I laugh and laugh and laugh until the tears roll down my cheeks. And then I remember how hard I laughed and laughed and laughed until the tears rolled down my cheeks in 2000, when Al Gore hilariously snorted with derision at George W. Bush during their debates, every time George W. Bush said something unfathomably stupid, and how, the next day, all the headlines were about how terribly mean that snotty cyborg Al Gore was to the nice man.

Oh maude. Just laugh at him, anyway, Mr. President.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

OMG, y'all! I'm really concerned about how you're handling the devastation of Michele Bachmann dropping out of the Republican Primary. Are you okay? I hope you are okay. If you start feeling overwhelmed with grief, let this thought cheer you: Now that Bachmann is gone, we are guaranteed that a straight white rich man will secure the Republican nomination. There. Don't you feel better already?

Speaking of the straight white rich man who's going to secure the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney. That's it. Subject, predicate, the end. He's going to win. All the rest of this is bluster and balderdash, until he stumbles his way to the stage at the Republican convention, picks some other straight white rich dude who appeals to evangelicals as his running mate, and then gets eaten alive by President Obama at the debates. Now please enjoy this AP wire photo of Mitt Romney staring dreamily at John McCain.


You know who is NOT staring dreamily at John McCain? Jon Huntsman, that's who! "Nobody cares" about his stupid endorsement of Mitt Romney! Well, even though he sounds like a big petulant baby who's about to take his big granite balls and go home, he's probably right—because if there's one thing in which Jon Huntsman is an expert, it's PEOPLE NOBODY CARES ABOUT.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Guess how much money Rick Santorum has raised since his big not-win in Iowa? Go on, guess! Did you guess ONE MILLION DOLLARS?! Then you are RIGHT! Rick Santorum has raised one million dollars since 25% of Iowa Caucus-goers said, "Welp, at least he's not Mormon!" Ha ha wait 'til they find out he's Catholic!

Ron Paul pisses on Rick Santorum's one million dollars. He has raised THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS in the last few months, giving him a war chest second only to Mitt Romney's. (True Fact: Mitt Romney carries one hundred million dollars cash in his front pocket at all times. He is very rich.) The Romney campaign reportedly raised twenty million in the last quarter. Thassa lotta bootstraps!

This is my favorite headline about Newt Gingrich of the day: "Newt Gingrich sheds his 'nice guy' strategy in New Hampshire." Ha ha sure. Definitely what I've been thinking about Newt Gingrich the past few weeks is, "My, what an interesting strategy of being a nice guy while spewing incomprehensibly cruel rightwing rhetoric!" I guess it's all relative: Gingrich didn't serve divorce papers on a woman diagnosed with cancer while campaigning in Iowa, so, by his own extraordinary standards, merely being a full-tilt, world-class, bile-spewing hate machine was "nice."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! How FUN was the Iowa Caucus? SO FUN, RIGHT?! I couldn't stop farting with excitement all night! My favorite part, as always, was the media coverage of the events, which is definitely for sure not at all completely awkward and suuuuuuuuuper boring because trying to fill hours and hours of uninterrupted airtime about people counting votes is THE BEST!

Check out this totally trenchant reporting from CNN last night: "They're counting votes here in Whatever County." A woman counts votes in the background. "There's no way of telling what the result will be. The counting continues." PERFECT.

Now, for the big news. Rick Santorum, can you guess in what place you came after all the votes were finally counted?


Nope! But very close! You came in second—which, despite being virtually meaningless in terms of your actual chances of winning the nomination (remember when Mike Huckabee won last time? lulz good times!), is still very impressive, considering that you are a national joke with no discernible political skills. Congratulations!

I bet it was the all-important Duggars endorsement that pushed him to the top of the heap. The grody, horrible heap.

The big winner of the night, by EIGHT VOTES, was Mitt Romney! Good for you, Mitt Romney! Your "Least Objectionable in a Field of Highly Objectionable Garbage Nightmares" certificate is in the mail!

Speaking of eight votes, that is nearly as many as Jon Huntsman got in the entire state. Whoooooooooooops your campaign, Jon Huntsman! I know you are putting all your eggs in New Hampshire's granite, but zoinks you did awful in Iowa. I'm pretty sure I heard last night on CNN that in one county you had tied with Herman Cain, who isn't even running anymore. Yiiiiiiikes.

Still: Hang in there, Jon Huntsman! I think the people of New Hampshire may have noticed that Rick Santorum is a jackass, and not noticed that you are a Mormon. Fingers crossed!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet! But in his speech to supporters last night, he was talking about his campaign in the past-tense. Even though Rick Perry is a dreadful speaker who rarely makes sense, I don't think that's a good sign.

Speaking of dropping out, Michele Bachmann, who was born in Iowa and has virtually lived in the state, professionally waving and eating fair food, since announcing her candidacy, did only slightly better than Jon Huntsman, who has never even heard of Iowa. Whoooooops you should have tried not being a woman, Michele Bachmann! Also, you should have tried not being a dipshit with sawdust where your sense of decency should be. Bachmann nonetheless told her supporters last night that she's staying in the race. Once the reality sets in that this will be Very Hard after all her donations dry up, Bachmann will probably drop out and endorse Rick Santorum.

And speaking of assholes, Newt Gingrich used his speech last night to talk smack about Mitt Romney. Ha ha good plan. Not a good plan for winning (which is not what Newt Gingrich is trying to do), but a good plan—nay, an awesome plan—for trying to stop Mitt Romney from winning (which is definitely what Newt Gingrich is trying to do). Keep it up, Newt Gingrich! The path to Rick Santorum's presidency lies directly behind the trail of earth you scorch!

Ron Paul also did very well, coming in third. I can't even imagine how hot Andrew Sullivan's and Glenn Greenwald's phone sex was last night.

In other news, John McCain will endorse Mitt Romney. "Who cares" seems woefully insufficient on such an occasion.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Rick Perry: The Movie

Via Richard Adams, who's valiantly live-blogging the Iowa Caucus today, comes a nifty last-minute campaign advert for Rick Perry, titled "America Is Calling," which has, as of this writing, a total of 306 views on Rick Perry's official YouTube channel. That's what they call Money Well Spent, right there.


US flag. White picket fence. A church steeple with a gold cross, standing high above verdant farmland. String music. Rick Perry, in voiceover, sounding terrifyingly George W. Bush-like: "America's future is what we're talking about. Our country's calling us." Perry standing in front of giant US flag. "This election's not about me." Little white boy putting his arm around his white mother's neck. "This election's about our children." Little white girl in close-up, with bright blue sky behind. "It's about our grandchildren."

Montagery of Real Americans, i.e. lots of straight white people. "And they're waiting. They're waiting for us to answer if we're going to participate." Still image of Rick Perry giving a thumbs-up in a church. "If we're going to call." More Rick Perry in front of a flag. "This is your country." WHEAT FIELDS! FLAG! RICK PERRY LOOKING PRESIDENTIAL! SWELLING STRING MUSIC. "And your country's calling."

What the fuck this does not make any sense. I think Rick Perry is endorsing his grandchildren for president.

Now the campaign ad becomes a movie trailer: Text onscreen reads "Governor Rick Perry." Stirring strings. Applause. More Rick Perry in front of a flag. White people montagery. Rick Perry is a celebrity and a superhero! STRIIIIIIIING MUSIIIIIIIIIC!!! More voiceover: "You go Tuesday, and you caucus for me, and you have my back no matter what the weather is or how far you gotta go. You have my back on the third of January, and I will have your back in Washington, DC for the next four years!"

Text onscreen reads "When America is on its knees—" (that's what she said) Rick Perry montagery "—he will bring us to our feet." This is one campaign promise that may be true. I am about to get to my feet and run to the bathroom to barf my guts out RIGHT NOW.

"God bless you!" says Rick Perry in voiceover, over video of his rockstar-like departure onto a campaign bus with a jaunty wave. Applauding. Hugging. Rick Perry knows SO many white people!

"This election is about the future of this country." (Yes, you epic dipfuck, EVERY election is about the future of this country. You are not being profound. You are stating a very banal fact in accordance with our admittedly incomplete understanding of the space-time continuum. Of course, upon consideration, most/all of the current Republican contenders don't believe in evolution, so maybe this is a radical statement after all. HEY, EVANGELICALS: RICK PERRY BELIEVES IN SCIENCE!)

Statue of Liberty. Farm. Handshake. Flag. Perry smirk. Flag. Applause. Flag. "One of the most important elections, if not THE most important election, and we gotta get it right." By which he means, throw him and everyone else running for president in the garbage, along with the entirety of the US Congress and the Supreme Court, and start over. I'm sure that's definitely what he means.

Text onscreen, because this goddamn trailer (worst movie ever!) still isn't over yet: "Today is your calling, Iowa. Perry. President. Vote today. RickPerry.org."

The end. Now blow up the world, Jebus!