News I Don't Want to Write About

[Content Note: War, reproductive rights legislation, rape culture, violence, misogyny.]

Here is all the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the BIG NEWS that Iran is totally going to attack the US! It's true! Or not! It seems like I've heard this story before: The administration of a first-term president before a hotly contested election says that US intelligence has found that Iraq Iran is developing nuclear capabilities with intent to attack the US and/or US interests, and there are UN weapons inspections, with which Iraq Iran is cooperating, but the belligerent rhetoric of preemptive self-defense keeps getting ratcheted up nonetheless, including accusations of Iraq's Iran's noncompliance with those inspections. THIS IS A FAMILIAR TUNE, SHAKERS!

"Wolf!"—The Boy.

In good news, the New York Times is partying like it's 2003, because they've already got a year of reporting covered c/o search and replace.


There is the news that Michele Bachmann exited the presidential campaign one million dollars in debt. And the news that Rick Perry blew through $15 million in the final months of his campaign, for presumably no purpose other than raising awareness about what a douche he is so he could LOSE FASTER! This is yet another golden opportunity for USians to consider how utterly fucked up it is that we do not have publicly financed elections or limited electoral seasons, and very rich people spend enormous amounts of money to get elected while other politicians who have already been elected argue in fancy buildings about how we don't have any money to provide healthcare, food, and housing to everyone in the country.

There is the news that former Florida Governor Charlie Crist might someday run again for office as a Democrazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huntsman-Crist for President-VP of Napping!

There is the story about Janet Howell, a Virginia State Senator, who, to Make A Point, attached an amendment to a state mandatory ultrasound abortion bill "that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication." Hardy-har. Suffice it to say I don't find proposing the equivalent of a forced trans-vaginal sonogram law to be amusing, since it's little more than a sophisticated rape joke. I am, I trust it is evident, sympathetic to Howell's intentions, but I cannot get on board with fighting the nonconsensual control of the bodies of women and other people with uteri with a proposal for more of it, rather than less. Coercing a person to undergo an unnecessary vaginal probe to acquire a legal medical procedure is rape, and compelling an anal probe is no different.

There is news about ladies! The US women's soccer league's 2012 season has been cancelled less than 24 hours after the US women's national team qualified for the Olympics. If there's one thing we know how to do in America, it's treat women's sports like absolute shit!

There is the story of a man in Afghanistan, where we've been SPREADING FREEDOM for ten years and counting, who has reportedly strangled his wife after she failed to bear him a son. Three healthy daughters, though. Who now have no mother. Rage. Seethe. Boil.

There is this story about "three regulators [who] did indeed ring warning bells [about the subprime financial crisis]—at the right time, in the right places, and loud enough for other banking and financial system overseers," but were all ignored. Guess what they all have in common? Go on—guess! If you said they were all ladies, give yourself 1,000 points, redeemable at Shakesville's OMFG the Absurd Misogyny in the Year 2012 Shop!

Ladynews Trifecta!

There is, because I want to end on a hopeful note, this story about a potential breakthrough in cancer research and one patient's view of a future.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here are all the news items I don't want to write about today!

[Please Note: This is sarcasm. I am actually writing about them! Mostly, I just don't have very much to say about them. Saying I don't want to write about them is just a literary conceit, which I find amusing! You are not obliged to feel the same.]

There is the news about Google's new privacy policy, which will probably be very scary and/or rage-making for some people and probably not scary and/or rage-making for others, owing to various individual thingies like privilege, personal history, and levels of cynicism regarding privacy in the technological age. I don't like it! For at least four different reasons! But I also feel very resigned about it. Google's probably counting on lots of people feeling that way, which makes me feel guilty. I'm sorry, the part of my brain that is very disappointed in me! I only have so many spoons!

There is the report, right from the Tim Geithner's mouth, that Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner prooooooobably won't be asked back by President Obama, if he is reelected. Tim Geithner says he'll do "something else." That's good. I don't really like Tim Geithner, but I would be sad if Tim Geithner just laid down on the ground and never did anything ever again just because he can't be Treasury Secretary forever.

There is the news that this jerk mayor in Connecticut has apologized "for saying that he would help Latinos in his town by eating tacos" in response "to the arrests of four East Haven police officers by FBI agents Tuesday for their alleged roles in abusing Latino residents and business owners, performing illegal searches, making false arrests and harassing immigrant rights advocates." He's very sorry. "Unfortunately, I let the stress of the situation get the best of me and inflamed what is already a serious and unfortunate situation." True Fact: Stress makes you racist, just like alcohol. No word on what Mayor Jerk T. Jerksworthy actually will do to help Latin@s in East Haven. (Resign, maybe?)

There is the terrible news that the Marine squad leader charged with alleged war crimes in connection with the Haditha massacre in Iraq has been sentenced by a US military judge to "a maximum of 90 days in prison and a reduction in pay and rank. But because of a plea deal with prosecutors, Staff Sgt. Frank G. Wuterich won't serve any time in the brig. The military judge was obligated to abide by the plea arrangement between prosecutors and the defense. In the end, Wuterich's sentence amounts to a reduction in rank—to private—and a pay cut." To paraphrase the othering parlance of my friends on the other side of the aisle, maybe "they" hate us for his freedom.

There is the settlement of $22 million for suffering inhumane treatment awarded to Stephen Slevin, who spent two years in solitary confinement in a New Mexico prison, without trial and denied necessary medical care, after being arrested in August of 2005 for driving while intoxicated. I can't decide whether it's our garbage priorities or our garbage prison system that's more screwed up. Let's call it a tie. Meanwhile, this story was filed under "Odd News."

And finally! There is the spectacular news that The Hangover 3 is close to being a sealed deal, with the impending trilogy's stars getting the big pay increases they definitely deserve. Handshake handshake backslap. Good negotiating all around, I'm sure. Couldn't happen to a nicer franchise. Barf bags for everyone!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here are all the news items I don't want to write about today!

Mitt Romney's taxes! #1 on the list of News I Don't Want to Write About! This day and every day! Who cares. He's rich, and he doesn't pay squat, because neither party has the spine to argue that filthy wealth should be taxed to blazes when there are people literally starving in the streets in this nation. "Let them eat bootstraps," says literally everyone in Congress, except Bernie Sanders.

There is the story about some fuckbrained Georgia judge who thinks that President Obama needs to show up in court to testify in a birther case. It's vanishingly unlikely that the decision will actually result in Obama's having to testify, but, if it comes to that, I vote that Obama just sends a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself with a copy of his long-form birth certificate stapled to it.

There is the swell tale of the Oklahoma state legislator who has introduced "a bill to ban the making and selling of food or products that use aborted human fetuses." You know—just in case!

(Guess what party he's in! Go on—guess! Did you guess the Republican Party? Of course you did! You're so smart. Give yourself 1,000 points!)

There is the news that Warren Buffett's oft-invoked secretary, who has a name and it's Debbie Bosanek, will attend the State of the Union address tonight in Official Gimmick Capacity. That'll be fun!

There is the news that European financial crisis will slow the global economy this year, according to the International Monetary Fund, who (futilely) urges states to jettison austerity measures in favor of investment. That would require sensible people to be in charge. Oh well!

There is the scandalous report that Jim Carrey's daughter, Jane Carrey, got SPECIAL TREATMENT from the producers of American Idol, who allegedly allowed her to avoid camping out for days in order to get a shot on the show. Listen, everyone: We can't have it both ways. We can't treat famous people, or kids of famous people, like they're our public property to be harangued and mauled every time they step in public, but also expect them to behave like average people. The nature of the celebrity machine has made life unsafe for lots of celebrities, so it's time to quit whinging about line-jumping.

There is the news that Rick Warren is "fighting obesity" at Saddleback Church. Great. WWJD? Work out with a personal trainer twice a day, no doy.

Finally, there is allllllllll the coverage of candlelight vigils and undilutedly glowing remembrances of Joe Paterno, to none of which I'm going to link. You know what? If I kicked tomorrow, and none of the people who allegedly admired me mentioned that, among my many blogging exploits, was showing my ass on issues of race, trans*fail, having to publicly jettison misogynist and disablist language from my repertoire, and other embarrassing displays of privilege and ignorance, plus ten gazillion typos, it wouldn't be honoring me: It would be dehumanizing me.

[True Fact: Deeky would definitely share all the ways I am an asshole in private, too. Which just goes to show you what a great friend he really is.]

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here is the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the interview with Marianne Gingrich, ex-wife of Newt Gingrich, which I did mention in today's Primarily Speaking piece, but is VERY BIG NEWS all over the internetz, where many people are fervently discussing how Newt is a marriage hypocrite for wanting an "open marriage," even though, as others have noted, retroactively asking permission to fuck someone on the side after you've been fucking them on the side for years isn't technically asking for an open marriage as much as it is asking the horse to go back in the barn and please kindly close the barn door after itself.

So, yeah, this is VERY BIG NEWS today, oh boy, but I don't personally feel like there's anything smart or interesting I can say about it, because this is how it looks inside my brain:

Marianne Gingrich: My ex-husband is a garbage nightmare with rotten walnuts where his decency should be.

Me: No doy.

In related news I don't want to write about, Rick Perry—who definitely dropped out today and I hope you are not too sad!—is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Great. Who cares.

There is various news about the wreck of the Costa Concordia cruise liner, including the captain's claim that "he was unable to lead the evacuation because he slipped and tripped into a lifeboat while helping passengers leave the stricken vessel." This whole situation makes me sad and infuriated. I hate the news coverage, I hate most of the responses I'm reading to what happened, and I hate that it happened at all.

There is the news that President Obama has "rejected a bid to expand the controversial Keystone oil sands pipeline." I only don't want to write about this news because I frankly don't know enough about it. It's good news, though, I think? You tell me!

There is this gross article in Slate, about whether small boobs are making a comeback. Ha ha. This is an especially fun conversation for a fat lady with giant boobs, because the "big boobs" that were supposedly more fashionable than small boobs are not actually "big" (but "medium") on any boob spectrum that encompasses a truly representative breadth of natural (and/or unnatural) diversity. It's just that he's writing about "sexy boobs," not the unacceptably large and always unfashionable boobs like I've got.

"Eww!"—Dudes who say they love big natural boobs, when they actually see big natural boobs.

There is the hawt news that my nightmare of a governor Mitch Daniels will deliver the Republican response to the President's upcoming State of the Union address. I'm so happy for you! It's so not fair that we Hoosiers get him all to ourselves! Now you can enjoy him, too! (P.S. Watch the veep slot!)

And finally, there is the report that American Idol is getting terrible ratings. Huh. Well, maybe it's the fact that the once-unique(ish) show now has a billion competitors, or maybe it's Steven Tyler being a lecherous creepazoid, or maybe it's the fact that "America" decided to draw the line under Scotty McCreery, because Jumps Sharko.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.