Primarily Horrendo

People walk past a cardboard cutout of Republican US presidential candidate Rick Santorum at the American Conservative Union's annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, February 9, 2012. [REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst]

In my mind, the soundtrack to that image is this song.

Anyway! I sort of lost the plot with the primary news this morning, after the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT that President Obama was kinda sorta caving but not really (?!) to conservative religious bullies. The one GOOD THING about this election is that, no matter which of the two major parties you support, you can feel safe in the guarantee that the healthcare of women and other people with uteri will always be regarded as a TOTALLY NEGOTIABLE ITEM.

"My uterus is a bargaining chip!"—Me, every election in my lifetime.

Speaking of misogyny, Rick Santorum, Good Christian, says he has concerns about women in combat roles because "that could be a very compromising situation, where people naturally may do things that may not be in the interest of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved. It already happens, of course, with the camaraderie of men in combat, but I think it would be even more unique if women were in combat."

Sure. Like, what if I were on the frontlines in Afghanistan, and I saw an enemy combatant who I thought was super dreamy? I would probably abandon my post to go make out with him, and then tell him to shoot the dudes in my unit. So Rick Santorum, as usual, definitely has a point.

In other news, the surging Santorum is cleaning up the grody Newt Gingrich leftovers. Sloppy Seconds Santorum! That's what we used to call him at the roller rink back in the '80s.

What does that even mean? I don't know. Here's a picture.


In Mitt Romney news, Mitt Romney is meeting privately with conservative leaders at CPAC, "in an effort to reassure Republicans who remain skeptical about his candidacy." Ha ha GOOD LUCK, Mitt Romney! I hope your party is fun and that its attendees enjoy the party favors! By which I mean THE BRIBES!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty. Freedom. Gold standard. Honest rape.


Rick Santorum reading this post: "That roller skater isn't even me!"
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Obama Blinks on Birth Control

Swell: White House to Announce Contraception Rule 'Accommodation' for Religious Organizations.

With the White House under fire for its new rule requiring employers including religious organizations to offer health insurance that fully covers birth control coverage, ABC News has learned that later today the White House — possibly President Obama himself — will likely announce an attempt to accommodate these religious groups.

Adding cowardice upon cowardice—caving, and announcing it in the Friday News Hole.

One source familiar with the decision described the accommodation as "Hawaii-plus," insisting that it's better than the Hawaii plan — for both sides.

In Hawaii the employer is responsible for referring employees to places where they can obtain the contraception; Catholic leaders call that material cooperation with evil. But what the White House will likely announce later today is that the relationship between the religious employer and the insurance company will not need to have any component involving contraception. The insurance company will reach out on its own to the women employees. This is better for both sides, the source says, since the religious organizations do not have to deal with medical care to which they object, and women employees will not have to be dependent upon an organization strongly opposed to that care in order to obtain it.

Let's be clear about what this means: An additional burden is being placed on women to accommodate the bullshit objections of a vocal minority who are playing politics with religion to complain about a policy the central mandate of which has been law for over a decade.

All of this "religious freedom" malarkey is the invocation of false ethics by some of the most unethical, cynical, opportunistic jerks in the country. This isn't an issue of "religious freedom." They're forcing Obama's hand, seeing if they can get him to throw women's healthcare and equality under the bus again.

And he just blinked.

UPDATE: The administration's position is that it's really no big deal because women will still get free contraception coverage—women who are employed by religious institutions will just get it directly from their insurers rather than through their employers. I still have some grave concerns.

Good News: Unemployment Among Black Men Drops

Shani O. Hilton at Colorlines:

When the Labor Department released the January unemployment rate last week, there was finally some good news to celebrate—and some news that seemed almost too good to be true. Black unemployment saw its steepest drop since the recession began, dipping more than two points. Apparently, that happy improvement was largely driven by black men being hired in larger numbers than anyone can remember.

So what, exactly, is happening here? Nobody saw it coming, and there's no immediate explanation. I talked to Algernon Austin, director of the Race, Ethnicity, and the Economy program at the Economic Policy Institute, to get some insight.

Colorlines: So, the interesting thing about January's unemployment rate was that the unemployment rate for black men dropped 3 percent—from 15.7 percent to 12.7 percent—even though workforce participation stayed about the same. That's not something we've seen before, is it?

Algernon Austin: Such a large drop in the unemployment rate is quite surprising. Certainly, we haven't seen a drop that large any time recently. There was a slight decline in workforce participation, but even looking at that, we're talking about a very large decline for blacks, and particularly black men, which is quite unusual.

What are the fields—or are there any—where it's more likely that black men were hired?

It's a real mystery to figure out what might be going on here. The public sector dropped jobs, so that's not likely to be it. Restaurants and bars—that's not likely. Retail, maybe some retail; maybe some health care. Maybe temporary health services, construction. But really, I don't know.

It is not just a coincidence that, during the first bit of job growth we've had since Barack Obama was elected, black men are "being hired in larger numbers than anyone can remember." It is evidence of the known effects of visible diversity.

To think that seeing a black man in the news, competently running the most powerful nation on the planet, day after day for three years, hasn't worked on the subconscious of US employers, hasn't sent a message that gets internalized in the same way the narratives of exclusion and marginalization and less than do, is to imagine that humans work in a way that we actually don't.

That is not the only explanation for this good news. There are certainly other influences, which Algernon Austin and his team will suss out at the invaluable EPI.

But I wanted to note nonetheless: This is no coincidence. This is the value of meaningful inclusion.

Photos of the Day

President Barack Obama pumps the Extreme Marshmallow Cannon invented by Joey Hudy, 14, from Phoenix, Arizona, while touring student science fair projects on exhibit in the State Dining Room at the White House February 7, 2012 in Washington, DC. Obama hosted the second White House Science Fair celebrating the student winners of science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) competitions from across the country. [Getty Images]

President Barack Obama reacts after watching a marshmallow launched from the Extreme Marshmallow Cannon. [AP Photo]

President Barack Obama reacts after watching a marshmallow launched from the Extreme Marshmallow Cannon. [Reuters Pictures]

Love.

In Start a War to Win an Election News...

From the Guardian: Obama orders new sanctions on Iran, including 'deceptive' Central Bank.

President Barack Obama has ordered new sanctions on Iran, including its Central Bank, moving to enforce a law he signed in December.

In a letter to Congress Monday, Obama said more sanctions are warranted "particularly in light of the deceptive practices of the Central Bank of Iran and other Iranian banks." He said the problems included the hiding transactions of sanctioned parties, the deficiencies of Iran's anti-money laundering regime and the unacceptably high risk posed to the entire international financial system posed by Iran's activities.

I know that I'm just a dirty hate-America hippie and all, but I continue to be amazed by the US' unmitigated temerity to justify its continued belligerence toward Iran by pointing out that Iran is doing the same shit that we are.

"They want nuclear weaponry!" So do we. "They allow government shenanigans!" So do we. "They treat women like second-class citizens!" So do we. "They are allowing dodgy banking practices!" So do we.

That is not, of course, an argument in favor of the Iranian government's warmongering, corruption, misogyny, and general shadiness. It's an argument against warmongering, corruption, misogyny, and general shadiness, no matter whence it emanates.

Primarily Annoying

Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!
Future general election loser Mitt Romney was the BIG WINNER this weekend, as he ran away with Nevada's Republican Primary, taking more than 50% of the vote. And if there's one place in America where people will trip over each other to put down money on a bad bet everyone sees coming from a mile away, it's Nevada, so that makes sense.

Speaking of how Mitt Romney is an awful candidate, this is my favorite poll result in ages: "By better than 2 to 1, Americans say the more they learn about Romney, the less they like him." LOLOLOLOLOL! Awesome.

In other terrible news for Romney from the same poll: Even though the economy is still a shambles, and even though President Obama's "ratings on handling the economy and job creation remain negative," and even though nearly "nine in 10 people still rate the economy negatively," US voters still rate Obama more highly on "who would better protect the middle class."

Even more damningly: "Fifty-two percent of voters say Obama better understands the economic problems people are having, while 37 percent say Romney does."

And: "Two-thirds of all Americans say they do not think [Mitt Romney] is paying his fair share [of taxes]."

Whoooooooooooooooooops!

Gee, it's almost like US voters are—despite their garbage media and the preponderance of bootstrap narratives implicitly lionizing corporate and individual greed, at both of which Mitt Romney has excelled—clever enough to have determined that Mitt Romney is a gross jerk who lives in a bubble of privilege and supports policy that condones the exploitation of workers and codifies job-killing corporate welfare at the taxpayers' expense. Huh!

In case the point was not yet clear enough, a Mitt Romney biographer is making the rounds with the not-news that the candidate "grew up in a series of bubbles."

#noshitsherlock

Meanwhile, Dick Armey (insert deep breath where SO MANY JOKES want to be) has accused Newt Gingrich of waging "a first-rate vendetta" against Mitt Romney. I guess? Personally, I've always been under the impression that Newt Gingrich could never hate anyone as much as he hates himself, but if Dick Armey says Newt Gingrich hella hates Mitt Romney and it's totes vendetta time, then who am I to argue with Dick Armey?

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Now it's time for another Rick Santorum FUN FACT! In his book, It Takes a Family (take THAT, Hillary Clinton!), Rick Santorum asserts: "The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness." And that is why there are no more children and no more families in the United States of America today. The end.


^ Also a fun fact.
Finally, in related news, E.J. Dionne, Jr. takes a fun look at the Citizens United catastrophe: "We have seen the world created by the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision, and it doesn't work. Oh, yes, it works nicely for the wealthiest and most powerful people in the country, especially if they want to shroud their efforts to influence politics behind shell corporations. It just doesn't happen to work if you think we are a democracy and not a plutocracy." Whoooooops!

Tomorrow: Minnesota!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!
Wowee wow! What a come from ahead! (That's what zie said.) Mitt Romney, as predicted by seriously everyone anywhere ever, won the Florida primary last night. This morning, I am reading lots of articles with headlines like "Why Romney Won" or "Why Gingrich Lost," and all of them are hundreds of words too long, because the reason why Romney won and why Newt Gingrich lost is because Mitt Romney isn't Newt Gingrich and Newt Gingrich is Newt Gingrich the end.

Speaking of headlines, this is my favorite primary headline of the day, care of ABC News: "Can Mitt Maintain the Mo?" Snicker.

The biggest takeaway from the Florida primary is that Mitt Romney is running a very negative and very dishonest campaign. Failing a chunk of errant meteor falling on his head, he will be the Republican nominee, and, although there is not much enthusiasm for him among primary voters, there is hella plenty of enthusiasm for getting Barack Obama out of office. Come the general election, Romney is going to be flush with silly amounts of cash, and he is going to use every last penny of it to go hard negative on Obama without a modicum of regard for fairness or honesty.

Mitt Romney has zero integrity and even less shame. His ads will be breathtakingly inappropriate. And I hope like hell that the Obama campaign team are ready for it, and have a strategy of counter-attack at the ready, because staying above the fray ain't gonna work.

Anyway!

Newt Gingrich did not call Mitt Romney to congratulate him last night, because he is a jerk no doy. Also: He is getting sued for using the song "Eye of the Tiger" without permission. LOL. What a total jackass.

Speaking of jackasses, something something Ron Paul.

Back to Mitt Romney for a moment now, so I can bring you this great story about how he doesn't give a fuck about poor people because they've got the social safety net to help them! LOL! For realz! "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it. I'm not concerned about the very rich, they're doing just fine. I'm concerned about the very heart of the America, the 90 percent, 95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling."

Got that? It's not the poor who are struggling—they're fine! Everyone knows they WANT to be poor! Buncha lazyasses who sold their bootstraps for an xbox. And if (LOL FOREVER) the social safety net needs repair, Mitt Romney will totes fix it! So no worries. Those layabouts will have great lives on the government dime forever, no problem.

Where Mitt Romney needs to focus his energy is on the middle class, which constitutes fully 95% of America, apparently, because they are struggling to make it.

True Facts: In 2010, 16% of the population of the United States, or 49.1 million people, were living in poverty. The younger one is, the more likely to be in poverty: 20% of the US's juvenile population were living in poverty by 2009.

Let me reiterate: Dude's a wild liar.

Rick Santorum, who is definitely still in the race, is also a liar. FYI.

Finally in Primary News, President Obama is still pretty darn popular.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

The Not-War in Yemen

[Content Note: This post discusses drone strikes and war.]

In addition to our mostly-over war in Iraq, our still-definitely war in Afghanistan, and not-wars in Pakistan, Iran, Libya, and various other parts of Africa, we are also at not-war in Yemen.

And the not-news from the not-war in Yemen is that one of our recent drone airstrikes killed at least 12 people. Those people, we are told, were "al Qaeda militants, including four local leaders." Sure. Okay. And we've got no reason to disbelieve this not-official story of a not-confirmed US drone strike in the not-war in Yemen which is being not-waged without Congressional oversight or anything resembling meaningful accountability, because US intelligence has always definitely been flawless and the US government never lies to cover its ass and FUCK YOU WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO KILL WHOEVER WE WANT WITHOUT THE INCONVENIENCE OF EVIDENCE OR THE BURDEN OF CONSEQUENCE.

A local tribal leader says no civilians were hurt "and, unlike previous attacks, it did not result in civilian casualties." That is very good news, if true.

It is still very bad news that there is a war being prosecuted by the US about which there has been, and will continue to be, no public conversation.

Even the Republican candidates aren't making hay out of the fact that our Democratic president is prosecuting multiple not-wars without individual war resolutions, oversight, or accountability. Which is terrifying. Because they want that power, that illusion of transparency while waging clandestine war using taxpayers' money without seeking their permission, too.

And, of course, there's the fact that nobody seems to care, anyway.

Welcome to America 2.0.

Primarily Terrible

I think she's a Ron Paul supporter.
OMG y'all—are you SO EXCITED about the Florida Primary today?! I AM SO EXCITED! I can barely contain my barf!

Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are still running, but let's not even pretend that either of them has a chance of winning this primary, the Republican nomination, or Bumblefuck, Indiana's 61st Annual Chili Cook-Off. Neither Ron Paul's isolationist antiwar rhetoric nor Rick Santorum's extremist pro-rapist rhetoric have any appeal to the Republican Establishment nor to Republican primary voters, so their radical positions aren't pushing the leading candidates further left or right in their positions.

There are candidates who won't win who can still serve a purpose: Howard Dean's humanist antiwar rhetoric definitely pushed the other 2004 Democratic candidates further left on the war, because he proved there was a well of support for an antiwar position among Democratic primary voters. But neither Ron Paul nor Rick Santorum are serving this purpose. They're just making noise.

And the more noise they make, as background din to the garbage yammering of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, the more dissatisfied Republican voters get. Which is just fine by me.

Know what fits perfectly into a cavernous void of conservative enthusiasm? The second term of President Barack Obama.

Anyway! Mitt Romney is totes going to win today. Double-digit lead, etc. And even if by some unexpected twist of fart, he doesn't win today, he's still going to win the nomination. I am so sure of that I would bet fully ONE BILLION DOLLARS of Mitt Romney's personal fortune on it!

True Fact: Mitt Romney is not currently worth one billion dollars. But he will be, once his upcoming book reaches every bestseller list after the Conservative Book Club buys EVERY COPY.


In other OMG This Guy Is Your Frontrunner LOL News, Mitt Romney wishes he could claim he's Hispanic, because it would help him with Latin@ voters in Florida. Newt Gingrich says Mitt Romney hates old Jews, which is strangely not a card he played in South Carolina. Huh! He also says that Romney's campaign is "pathetic," but voters can't hear him over the seven million dollars in ads Romney has purchased in Florida.

And Mitt Romney may be pathetic (he is!), but he is also seen as "more presidential" and "more sincere" than Newt Gingrich. Which is a very low bar! But Mitt Romney has been vaulting over cracks in the sidewalk his whole life! His life of extreme privilege has been preparing him for this moment, this challenge of looking more presidential and more sincere than a disgraced congressman and world-class liar, since he was a mere twinkle in his father's balls! The trajectory of Mitt Romney's life SINCE THE MOMENT OF HIS CONCEPTION has been to arrive at this precise moment in history, where sheerly by virtue of being LESS OF A FUCKHEAD THAN NEWT GINGRICH, he can become a champion, a superstar, a future member of the Losing to Barack Obama Club!

John McCain is not only the president—he is also a member!


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

Quote of the Day

[Content Note: Reference to sexual violence.]

"Obama can sit there and let all the [Bush tax cuts] lapse, and then the Republicans will have enough votes in the Senate in 2014 to impeach. The last year, he's gone into this huddle where he does everything by executive order. He's made no effort to work with Congress."—Grover Norquist.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By way of reminder, Grover Norquist is the fuckbrain who once famously said: "Bipartisanship is another name for date rape."

Now he's complaining that BARACK OBAMA isn't bipartisan enough. LOL. Okay, player.

[H/T to Mustang Bobby.]

Primarily Bored

"Hurry! The bus to hell is here!"
Y'all, I am so tired of this primary. There is only so much enthusiasm that one Melissa McEwan can generate over a contest between two super privileged white dudes to determine which super privileged white dude will become the next Republican nominee in a race to see if their corporate shill can defeat the Democrats' corporate shill and accelerate the pace at which this nation will be brought to grim ruination at the avaristic hands of soulless corporations.

Social Security: Sponsored by Sprint!

You know what the worst thing about a joke like "Social Security: Sponsored by Sprint!" is...? That Sprint would never sponsor Social Security. It would just dismantle it and instead sponsor Sprint's Happy Funtime Work Camps for the Aged and Infirm!

Play in the news, Nero...

Frontrunners Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are neck-and-neck in Florida, ahead of its primary tomorrow. Or they're not, depending on who you ask. If you ask me, Romney is totally ahead and he's going to win, and then this thing should be over, but it probably won't be, because some rich weirdo is going to keep funding Gingrich's SuperPAC, and Gingrich will keep running as long as he's got money he can't spend at Tiffany's.

Reporteth the Wall Street Journal : "Gingrich Predicts 'Straight-Out Contest' for Months."

See?

And when he inevitably keeps hanging in there, lobbing round after round of criticism at Mitt Romney, hoping to defeat him, and Mitt Romney starts stomping on sour grapes to make whine about how Newt Gingrich is hurting his chances in the general election by forcing him to run a long and contentious primary contest, let us remember that is not only evidence of Mitt Romney's bratty entitlement, but of his resounding contempt for democracy.

Speaking of hostility to authentic democracy, something something Ron Paul.


Rick Santorum is one of two Catholics in this now 50% Catholic content, the other being Newt Gingrich. (Ron Paul is a Baptist, and, as you may have heard, Mitt Romney is a Mormon. President Obama, is, of course, a Muslin.) So it was a cool boost for the Catholic candidates this weekend when Catholic bishops and priests read out letters of protest at mass this weekend, vilifying the Obama administration's policy of paid birth control coverage. Neato! I continue to be thrilled that religious institutions are afforded tax exempt status!

POP QUIZ: Is it possible for a man obsessed with biparisanship to be an effective president in an age of hyper-partisanship?

If you said no, give yourself 1,000 points, redeemable at Shakesville's Bitter Irony Shop.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

LOL!

Igor at Think Progress: Romney Steps Up Culture War; Claims Obama Is Waging 'An Assault on Religion'.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA GASP! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA GASP! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA GASP! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA SNORT!

Yes, everywhere I look there is evidence we are about to become a godless society, like: Our Christian president, our last Christian president, their almost exclusively Christian administrations who relentlessly pander to conservative and/or moderate Christians, the almost totally Christian Supreme Court, an almost entirely Christian Congress who start each session with a prayer, the millions and millions of other American Christians whose day of worship is still respected in various state laws across the country (like in Indiana, where you still can't shop for a car or buy booze on a Sunday), whose views are reflected in various federal laws (like denying same-sex couples the right of marriage in order to protect its "sanctity"), whose holidays are also national holidays, whose holy book must be sworn on in state and federal courts, and whose churches are not required to pay taxes, guaranteed freedom of religion, money that says "In God We Trust," a pledge of allegiance that describes us as "one nation under God," television networks who will accept advertising from conservative religious groups but not liberal political groups, schools who are incorporating a religious belief into science classes, conscience clauses for pharmacists and healthcare providers, religion-based residential communities being built, religious museums and amusement parks springing up all over the country, religious leaders being given diplomatic immunity, faith-based initiatives being federally funded, and our national media being constantly embroiled in a debate about in which god the president believes.

We are on the precipice, people!

*clunk*

Primarily Awful

Bert Shadowen of Port St. Lucie, Florida holds an American flag as he listens to remarks by Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum at a Treasure Coast Tea Party campaign rally in Stuart, Florida, January 24, 2012. [Reuters Pictures]

Awwwwwwwwwwwww LOL! How can we turn that frown upside-down, Mr. Shadowen? By electing Rick Santorum? Well, that's probably not going to happen. How about I get you a tin of peanuts and a nice cold soda?

That picture reminds me of this biology teacher I had in high school, Mr. Looft, who had the reputation of being a total humorless hard-ass. He was suuuuuuuuper grumpy, and he never smiled, and he always held his wiry body very rigidly under his ratty old lab coat. For some reason, my best friend and I suspected he was actually a very witty and fun-loving guy underneath that seemingly impenetrable exterior, and we undertook the challenge of unearthing his wild side.

We called him Loofty. We teased him good-naturedly about how grumpy he was. We screeched and hollered with delight when he'd do something that previous classes had received as evidence of his hardness—like the time a fish was floating belly-up in his classroom tank, and he responded to reports of its death from proximate students by marching to the tank like a drill sergeant, pulling up the sleeve of his lab coat, sticking his arm elbow-deep into the tank, and stirring so hard the fish began to swim again. "Fish ain't dead; just being lazy," he said, marching back to the front of the class. We told him he was a superhero.

One day, he came to class wearing, instead of his ancient, tattered, fatigues-green lab coat, a bright, crisp, new white lab coat. "Loofy, looking FOXY!" I said. C and I made exaggerative "sexy" gestures, hands against our foreheads as we pretended to faint, licking our index fingers and sizzling them against our butts. Loofty stopped in his tracks and looked us with his usual look of consternation, bewilderment, and disdain. I thought, for a moment, we might actually get in trouble this time. And then his face broke into a huge blushing grin, and he laughed and laughed and laughed.

He was secretly a fun dude. And also a great teacher. Loved that guy.

Anyway! To the candidates!

Heading into the Florida primary next week, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are now virtually tied, although we've got ANOTHER DEBATE! to look forward to, which is another chance for Gingrich to distinguish himself as not-a-Mormon. What will happen in Florida?! Will it be the super rich and super privileged white guy, or the OTHER super rich and super privileged white guy? IT'S A REAL NAIL-BITER!

Gingrich thinks he can win by channeling Ronald Reagan. Romney, who everyone definitely hates, thinks he can win by not being Newt Gingrich. Good strategies, both.

Money Talk! Romney brazenly bullshits about paying a "45 or 50 percent" tax rate. Okay, player. Gingrich's SuperPAC is being bankrolled by a billionaire Las Vegas casino tycoon. I know what you're thinking—that cannot be healthy for democracy! But just think of it like this: Money is free speech, and that guy can really bellow.

Is Ron Paul even campaigning anymore? Where is he? Somebody look inside his debate jacket—I think he might have gotten lost in there.

Rick Santorum's campaign strategy continues to be positioning himself as the grossest asshole on the planet, defending TSA profiling and accusing "the left" of indoctrinating people at universities. (Hey, it's not our fault that education tends to make people more progressive, dude.) These are two of the least offensive things he's said in ages. You're really losing your horrible, horrible edge, Rick Santorum!

In other news, Jeb Bush has some hot advice about how Republicans "can win Hispanics back." Here's my hot advice: Start with not using immigrants as a political football in gross campaign ads.

Meanwhile, Fidel Castro called this Republican primary "he greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been." LOL! I guess "Work It" didn't air in Cuba.

Finally! According to the new NBC/WSJ poll: "Americans are growing more optimistic about the state of the economy and direction of the country...and President Obama is receiving better grades on his handling of the economy and job as a result." Too bad, Republicans! Looks like you just didn't ruin the country ENOUGH to beat this guy!

Sad trombones all around, I'm sure.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

People wait to listen to Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich speak during a campaign event at Dolphin Aviation on January 24, 2012 in Sarasota, Florida. [Getty Images]

What, no Jesus? Obviously these people aren't Real Americans.

The Big News today is, of course, that President Barack Obama has started campaigning in earnest. But there's still some dribbly tidbits from the race to find out who will be losing to him later this year...

Frontrunner Newt Gingrich is now leading nationally, which means it's time to amplify the fuckitude! (True Fact: That is also what I shout when my Journey cover band, Tim Geitner Is Stoked, takes the stage.) Expect lots and lots of racism, everywhere he goes, along the lines of this uncovered gem during his time as Speaker: "For poor minorities, entrepreneurship in small business is the key to future wealth. This is understood thoroughly by most of the Asians, partially by Latinos, and to a tragically small degree by much of the American black community."

Newt Gingrich draws such pretty pictures of people who are different from him. I love his monolithographs.

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. *sadface*

Mitt Romney is, perhaps you've heard, very rich. Tax returns, tithing to the Mormon Church, multiple homes. I don't know how a Republican primary got to be about how one rich asshole among a field of rich assholes is SUCH A RICH ASSHOLE, but there you go. I guess that's what happens when it's considered inappropriate to say, "Ew—he's a MORMON!" as if Mormonism is SO GRODY, even though it's no weirder than any other religion but is somehow considered by most other religious people to be unacceptably weird.

In related Romney news, the detestable Jay Leno is being sued after making a Mitt Romney joke, because he took (yet another) swipe at Sikhs in the process, reminding us once again that he is being paid millions of dollars a year to be a gross schoolyard bully.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, know what Ron Paul and Barack Obama have in common? Neither of them gives a flying flunderton about limits on reproductive rights when they say words like "freedom."

I'm sure there is some very scintillating news about Rick Santorum in the world. I bet he's out there ruining sock garters and bowler hats for everyone, just like he's giving sweater vests a bad name. TEAM SWEATER VEST!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

So the President Gave a Speech Last Night...

And I really hoped you watched it, because, if you didn't, you sure missed some exciting stuff! Like Speaker of the House John Boehner projectile vomiting chunks of half-digested star-spangled bald eagle at the OUTRAGEOUS suggestion that "shared responsibility" is an American Value. It was quite an alarming night.


Ha ha just kidding. It was a very routine evening of our Democratic president sounding more encouragingly populist than he'll ever actually be, Republicans being stony-faced monuments of contempt at the mere mention of raising taxes or federal spending to generate jobs for the working classes, and heaps of despair slowly engulfing every vaguely progressive viewer at the thought that even the President's discouragingly milquetoast proposals will be obstructed by the Republicans.

Yay for America!

The text of the President's address is here, and the text of my garbage governor's rebuttal address is here. Below are my Executive Summaries.

President Barack Obama: I killed Osama bin Laden! The American Dream is so dead, but I'm going to spend a long time now pretending with a straight face that I can revive it, if only the Republicans will behave like grown-ups and cooperate, because the one dream that ISN'T dead is my pipe-dream about radically changing the way our profoundly broken government works by scolding Congressional Republicans as if they have any shame, integrity, or decency. Taxes. Outsourcing. We'll stop outsourcing with MORE CORPORATE TAX CUTS! We'll fix unemployment with MORE EDUCATION, because the problem is definitely a lack of education and not that jobs which paid livable wages have been decimated by outsourcing, deregulation, the erosion of workers' rights to enable exploitation of skeleton staffs, and Wal-Mart running out of towns all over the nation any employer in manufacturing, production, distribution, or retail that prioritized community sustainability over ginormous profits. Teachers, amirite? Boots on the border! Clean energy. Let's do some nation-building at home. No more irresponsible homeowners! Oh, and irresponsible lenders, but DEFINITELY irresponsible homeowners. Freedom. I killed Osama bin Laden! Jesus.

Executive Notes: Barack Obama is definitely running for president! He also definitely does not think that a record number of restrictions on reproductive rights affecting more than half the nation's population is worthy of mention in a STATE OF THE UNION address. Does President Obama know that women are part of the union? I'm pretty sure he does, because I distinctly remember him noting that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is "a woman who ran against me for President." (GOOD DESCRIPTION!) See also: End Summary.

Governor Mitch Daniels: Welp, at least President Obama hasn't abandoned his wife and kids! I'm racist! President Obama is divisive! I am such a liar! "The plain truth" is something I would not recognize if knocked on my door begging to be privatized. Everything President Obama does is stupid, and I am obviously a genius because JUST LOOK AT INDIANA. President Obama stinks the end. Jesus.

Executive Notes: Mitch Daniels is a jerk.

I think Herman Cain also gave a rebuttal? On behalf of the Tea Party? Ha ha they are not a real party. And unlike CNN et. al., I'm not going to pretend like they are.

In Summation: It is very obvious, and disappointing, that the President still has not learned that Republicans cannot be reasoned with and convinced to do what is right for the country; he still believes they care about the quality of life of this nation's people (men) and just have good faith differences of opinion about how to achieve that goal. This is not the case. They exist only in service to profit-making corporations, and the nation's people (men) only matter insofar as they can be exploited to do the work from which their employers can reap profit.

A memo from the last election was revealed this week, in which Obama's senior adviser David Axelrod wrote of then-opponent Hillary Clinton: "She embodies trench warfare vs Republicans, and is consumed with beating them rather than unifying the country and building consensus to get things done. She prides herself on working the system, not changing it."

That was, of course, meant as A Terrible Thing, rather than evidence of her understanding a reality about the US government that its current president still has yet to embrace three years into his first term.

I don't know if Hillary Clinton would have been a better president than Barack Obama is, but, in some alternate universe where she is, it's probably because she is "consumed with beating them" instead of being consumed with a consensus that will never, ever, be built.

I can't be funny about this: If President Barack Obama is reelected, he has to give up the ghost of bipartisan dreams. He must instead consume himself with beating them, because this country, the people of this country, need him desperately to stop negotiating and start winning.

State of the Union Open Thread

The President's State of the Union address will begin shortly, so here's an Open Thread for all your SOTU-discussin' needs. I'll probably be live-tweeting it, by which I mean my usual commentary of snark peppered with the occasional serious policy analysis disguised as more snark.

You can watch it online here.

By way of reminder, if and when you watch my garbage governor, Mitch Daniels, deliver the GOP's rebuttal, which I don't advise, please bear in mind that he is an asshole.

[Photo via.]

Photo of the Day

Y'all, don't tell anyone, but I'm pretty sure President Obama just sprouted Old Glory wings. I think our president might be an X-Man.

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here are all the news items I don't want to write about today!

Mitt Romney's taxes! #1 on the list of News I Don't Want to Write About! This day and every day! Who cares. He's rich, and he doesn't pay squat, because neither party has the spine to argue that filthy wealth should be taxed to blazes when there are people literally starving in the streets in this nation. "Let them eat bootstraps," says literally everyone in Congress, except Bernie Sanders.

There is the story about some fuckbrained Georgia judge who thinks that President Obama needs to show up in court to testify in a birther case. It's vanishingly unlikely that the decision will actually result in Obama's having to testify, but, if it comes to that, I vote that Obama just sends a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself with a copy of his long-form birth certificate stapled to it.

There is the swell tale of the Oklahoma state legislator who has introduced "a bill to ban the making and selling of food or products that use aborted human fetuses." You know—just in case!

(Guess what party he's in! Go on—guess! Did you guess the Republican Party? Of course you did! You're so smart. Give yourself 1,000 points!)

There is the news that Warren Buffett's oft-invoked secretary, who has a name and it's Debbie Bosanek, will attend the State of the Union address tonight in Official Gimmick Capacity. That'll be fun!

There is the news that European financial crisis will slow the global economy this year, according to the International Monetary Fund, who (futilely) urges states to jettison austerity measures in favor of investment. That would require sensible people to be in charge. Oh well!

There is the scandalous report that Jim Carrey's daughter, Jane Carrey, got SPECIAL TREATMENT from the producers of American Idol, who allegedly allowed her to avoid camping out for days in order to get a shot on the show. Listen, everyone: We can't have it both ways. We can't treat famous people, or kids of famous people, like they're our public property to be harangued and mauled every time they step in public, but also expect them to behave like average people. The nature of the celebrity machine has made life unsafe for lots of celebrities, so it's time to quit whinging about line-jumping.

There is the news that Rick Warren is "fighting obesity" at Saddleback Church. Great. WWJD? Work out with a personal trainer twice a day, no doy.

Finally, there is allllllllll the coverage of candlelight vigils and undilutedly glowing remembrances of Joe Paterno, to none of which I'm going to link. You know what? If I kicked tomorrow, and none of the people who allegedly admired me mentioned that, among my many blogging exploits, was showing my ass on issues of race, trans*fail, having to publicly jettison misogynist and disablist language from my repertoire, and other embarrassing displays of privilege and ignorance, plus ten gazillion typos, it wouldn't be honoring me: It would be dehumanizing me.

[True Fact: Deeky would definitely share all the ways I am an asshole in private, too. Which just goes to show you what a great friend he really is.]

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Quote of the Day

"Tonight, the President will do what he does best. He will give a nice speech with a lot of memorable phrases. ... We'll also be treated to more divisive rhetoric from a desperate campaigner-in-chief. It's shameful for a President to use the State of the Union to divide our nation."—GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who definitely did not pay taxes on a crystal ball last year, so I guess he's just psychic.

I myself am not able to predict the future, but I'm nonetheless going to go out on a limb and assert that Romney's prognosticator is broken.

Unless, of course, President Obama, who can hardly be said to be desperately campaigning, if the words "desperate" and "campaigning" still mean the same things they meant yesterday, breaks wildly from tradition and replaces his (frankly rather tiresome) rhetoric of unity, bipartisanship, and transcending ideological differences with "divisive rhetoric...to divide our nation."

It could happen!

Spoiler Alert: It won't.

Number of the Day

10 million: The number of jobs the US labor market still needs in order to return to pre-recession employment. Heidi Shierholz at the Economic Policy Institute:

The jobs deficit left from losses in 2008 and 2009 remains well over 10 million jobs; this takes into account both the 6.1 million fewer jobs we have now than we did before the recession started, and the fact that we should have added over four million jobs over that period just to keep up with normal growth in the working age population.

In December, the addition of 200,000 jobs was heralded as strong growth, but, as the figure shows, even at that rate the United States will not return to full employment until 2019. By way of comparison, to get back to full employment by the start of 2016 – four years from now – the labor market would have to add around 320,000 jobs a month. But expectations are that sustained robust job growth is at least one year away (pdf).

I hope President Obama's got one magical speech prepared for the State of the Union tonight.