Primarily Terrible

I think she's a Ron Paul supporter.
OMG y'all—are you SO EXCITED about the Florida Primary today?! I AM SO EXCITED! I can barely contain my barf!

Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are still running, but let's not even pretend that either of them has a chance of winning this primary, the Republican nomination, or Bumblefuck, Indiana's 61st Annual Chili Cook-Off. Neither Ron Paul's isolationist antiwar rhetoric nor Rick Santorum's extremist pro-rapist rhetoric have any appeal to the Republican Establishment nor to Republican primary voters, so their radical positions aren't pushing the leading candidates further left or right in their positions.

There are candidates who won't win who can still serve a purpose: Howard Dean's humanist antiwar rhetoric definitely pushed the other 2004 Democratic candidates further left on the war, because he proved there was a well of support for an antiwar position among Democratic primary voters. But neither Ron Paul nor Rick Santorum are serving this purpose. They're just making noise.

And the more noise they make, as background din to the garbage yammering of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, the more dissatisfied Republican voters get. Which is just fine by me.

Know what fits perfectly into a cavernous void of conservative enthusiasm? The second term of President Barack Obama.

Anyway! Mitt Romney is totes going to win today. Double-digit lead, etc. And even if by some unexpected twist of fart, he doesn't win today, he's still going to win the nomination. I am so sure of that I would bet fully ONE BILLION DOLLARS of Mitt Romney's personal fortune on it!

True Fact: Mitt Romney is not currently worth one billion dollars. But he will be, once his upcoming book reaches every bestseller list after the Conservative Book Club buys EVERY COPY.


In other OMG This Guy Is Your Frontrunner LOL News, Mitt Romney wishes he could claim he's Hispanic, because it would help him with Latin@ voters in Florida. Newt Gingrich says Mitt Romney hates old Jews, which is strangely not a card he played in South Carolina. Huh! He also says that Romney's campaign is "pathetic," but voters can't hear him over the seven million dollars in ads Romney has purchased in Florida.

And Mitt Romney may be pathetic (he is!), but he is also seen as "more presidential" and "more sincere" than Newt Gingrich. Which is a very low bar! But Mitt Romney has been vaulting over cracks in the sidewalk his whole life! His life of extreme privilege has been preparing him for this moment, this challenge of looking more presidential and more sincere than a disgraced congressman and world-class liar, since he was a mere twinkle in his father's balls! The trajectory of Mitt Romney's life SINCE THE MOMENT OF HIS CONCEPTION has been to arrive at this precise moment in history, where sheerly by virtue of being LESS OF A FUCKHEAD THAN NEWT GINGRICH, he can become a champion, a superstar, a future member of the Losing to Barack Obama Club!

John McCain is not only the president—he is also a member!


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! It's Primary Day in New Hampshire! Are you so excited? I am so excited! I can barely contain my enthusiasm for watching Jon Huntsman not win today! It's going to be GREAT!

In fact, I'm so pumped for this thrilling exercise in American Democracy today, that I'm going to begin this morning's Primary Rodeo with a pop quiz! Are you ready? Get ready!

Q: Who's got at least one thumb and is a full-tilt jackass? A: This guy!


Speaking of that guy being a jackass, Mitt Romney is under fire, from the other candidates, for saying: "I like being able to fire people that provide services to me. If, you know, someone doesn't give the good service I need, I want to say, 'You know, I'm going to get someone else to provide that service to me.'" Which sounds a lot like "I like to fire people!" as not a few people are (deliberately) misinterpreting that statement to be, but is not. It's actually just the heartless admission of an entitled jackass whose undiluted privilege has rid him of empathy or patience, and convinced him that the failure of "good service" on demand is axiomatically grounds for firing.

Personally, I find that rather worse than a cartoonish version of Willard twirling his mustache while mwah-ha-haing about firing people willy-nilly, but I guess that's easier to convey in a soundbite than, "Romney's the self-important fuckhead who says, 'I'll have your job!' because some of the breading fell off his corndog."

Anyway! Mr. Privilege is still polling best against Obama, but 58% of Republicans want more presidential choices. LULZ. Whoooooooops! Mitt Romney, your new name is "Bizarro Sally Field." They hate you; they really hate you!

In other not-news, Newt Gingrich is a huge hypocrite! "Newt Gingrich has ramped up his attacks on Mitt Romney as a heartless leveraged buyout executive for his years at Bain Capital, asking reporters in Manchester on Monday, 'Is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of other people and walk off with the money? Or is that, somehow, a little bit of a flawed system?' But Mr. Gingrich was himself on an advisory board for a major investment firm that had a similar business model, Forstmann Little, a pioneering private equity firm co-founded in 1978 by Theodore J. Forstmann that was, along with Mr. Romney's Bain Capital and Henry R. Kravis's Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts, among the leading private equity firms during the 1980s and 1990s." Ha ha ha ha barf!

Newt Gingrich would have to be concerned about this apparent hypocrisy if he were actually running for president and not running to sink Mitt Romney's battleship.

Something something Ron Paul.

Rick Santorum had a fun event yesterday, where he mocked Bob Dole and John McCain being nominated because it was "their turn," and elided the eight-year garbage disaster that was the Bush presidency, when a rightwing religious ideologue was nominated "out of turn" like he would like to be. That's funny for more reasons than because the crowd booed Bob Dole and John McCain, although I find that very funny, too!

Speaking of John McCain, he says that SuperPACs are bad for democracy. No shit, Sherlock!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! (Watch this space tomorrow.)

Jon Huntsman is zzzzzzzzzzzz New Hampshire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz almost tied with Romney zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Here's the thing: Even if Jon Huntsman wins today, it's not like he's going to go on to South Carolina and win over the incredibly conservative Republican primary voters by talking about his support for civil unions in Mandarin. And it's unlikely that a slim win over Romney would derail his trajectory: Romney would have to come in fourth today behind Huntsman, Paul, and Santorum for his candidacy to get truly shaky. Which means everyone else is running for vice president, and there ain't gonna be a double-Mormon ticket, so Jon Huntsman is seriously out of luck.

Speaking of potential veep picks, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is a sexist asshole. Gross.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! How FUN was the Iowa Caucus? SO FUN, RIGHT?! I couldn't stop farting with excitement all night! My favorite part, as always, was the media coverage of the events, which is definitely for sure not at all completely awkward and suuuuuuuuuper boring because trying to fill hours and hours of uninterrupted airtime about people counting votes is THE BEST!

Check out this totally trenchant reporting from CNN last night: "They're counting votes here in Whatever County." A woman counts votes in the background. "There's no way of telling what the result will be. The counting continues." PERFECT.

Now, for the big news. Rick Santorum, can you guess in what place you came after all the votes were finally counted?


Nope! But very close! You came in second—which, despite being virtually meaningless in terms of your actual chances of winning the nomination (remember when Mike Huckabee won last time? lulz good times!), is still very impressive, considering that you are a national joke with no discernible political skills. Congratulations!

I bet it was the all-important Duggars endorsement that pushed him to the top of the heap. The grody, horrible heap.

The big winner of the night, by EIGHT VOTES, was Mitt Romney! Good for you, Mitt Romney! Your "Least Objectionable in a Field of Highly Objectionable Garbage Nightmares" certificate is in the mail!

Speaking of eight votes, that is nearly as many as Jon Huntsman got in the entire state. Whoooooooooooops your campaign, Jon Huntsman! I know you are putting all your eggs in New Hampshire's granite, but zoinks you did awful in Iowa. I'm pretty sure I heard last night on CNN that in one county you had tied with Herman Cain, who isn't even running anymore. Yiiiiiiikes.

Still: Hang in there, Jon Huntsman! I think the people of New Hampshire may have noticed that Rick Santorum is a jackass, and not noticed that you are a Mormon. Fingers crossed!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet! But in his speech to supporters last night, he was talking about his campaign in the past-tense. Even though Rick Perry is a dreadful speaker who rarely makes sense, I don't think that's a good sign.

Speaking of dropping out, Michele Bachmann, who was born in Iowa and has virtually lived in the state, professionally waving and eating fair food, since announcing her candidacy, did only slightly better than Jon Huntsman, who has never even heard of Iowa. Whoooooops you should have tried not being a woman, Michele Bachmann! Also, you should have tried not being a dipshit with sawdust where your sense of decency should be. Bachmann nonetheless told her supporters last night that she's staying in the race. Once the reality sets in that this will be Very Hard after all her donations dry up, Bachmann will probably drop out and endorse Rick Santorum.

And speaking of assholes, Newt Gingrich used his speech last night to talk smack about Mitt Romney. Ha ha good plan. Not a good plan for winning (which is not what Newt Gingrich is trying to do), but a good plan—nay, an awesome plan—for trying to stop Mitt Romney from winning (which is definitely what Newt Gingrich is trying to do). Keep it up, Newt Gingrich! The path to Rick Santorum's presidency lies directly behind the trail of earth you scorch!

Ron Paul also did very well, coming in third. I can't even imagine how hot Andrew Sullivan's and Glenn Greenwald's phone sex was last night.

In other news, John McCain will endorse Mitt Romney. "Who cares" seems woefully insufficient on such an occasion.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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Whoooooooooooooooooops!

Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for the upcoming HBO film Game Change, about John McCain's fateful decision (lulz) to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.


Ominous string music. Shots of crowds cheering for Obama. A dude says in voiceover: "Obama just changed the entire dynamic." String music. Text onscreen: The 2008 Election. Woody Harrelson says: "It is a change year, sir. We need to create a dynamic moment in this campaign." Cut to Ed Harris as John McCain looking concerned. (Did you find Ed Harris attractive? Well, you don't anymore!) Text onscreen: A Time for Change. String music. Harrelson says: "Or we're dead."

Harris is at the Republican convention, smiling. Text onscreen: From the Writer & Director of Recount. Harris is at the convention, grimacing. A news broadcast reports that McCain is "reshuffling his most senior campaign staff." Text onscreen: Julianne Moore. A lady's high heel-clad foot steps out of a limo. That grizzly mom silhouette sure looks familiar as the lady walks into the convention...!

Harrlson says: "We desperately need a game-changing pick." Text onscreen: Woody Harrelson. "None of these middle-aged white guys are game-changers." Harrlson watches a room stand and applaud for the lady who is still seen just from behind. Darn it all, I know I've seen that hockey mom up-do somewhere before...!

Text onscreen: Ed Harris. Ed Harris as John McCain (oh Maude that is disturbing!) says: "So find me a woman." DUNH-DUNH.

The ominous music bottoms out, as it is revealed that John McCain, political genius, super-maverick, and definitely not an opportunistic fucko, has made the SHOCKING decision to cynically ask A FEMALE HUMAN BEING to be his running mate, in order to compete with the historic candidacy of Barack Obama.

Cut to people chanting "Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!" at the Republican convention as the mystery lady walks onstage. At long last, we see the face of Julianne Moore as Tina Fey: "I will be honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States." Cheers and applause. Yay!!! Nothing can go wrong now! From here, it's straight to the White House!

Text onscreen: From the Bestselling Book Game Change. Coming in March to an HBO near you.