Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from These Bootstraps Are Made for Walking, and That's Just What They'll Do; One of These Days These Bootstraps Are Gonna Walk All Over YOU! aka the Republican Primary...


Looks like we finally know who farted, y'all.
Did you know that everyone hates Mitt Romney? It's true! Even Sarah Palin hates him, and went on Fox News to demand that Romney provide proof of the 100,000 jobs he keeps saying he created during his tenure as Chief Corporate Raider at Bain Capital. She also wants to see his tax returns. Mimeographs or it didn't happen!

Whooooooooooops my mistake! There is one person who hearts Mitt Romney, and that person is none other than John Bolton! In addition to offering his endorsement, John Bolton will "join [candidate Romney's] top team of foreign-policy advisers, according to people close to the campaign." Wowee wow! That is not only excellent news for all of us, because if Mitt Romney wins it means MORE JOHN BOLTON FOR EVERYONE, but also speaks to the moderation, wisdom, and fundamental decency of Mitt Romney that he would want on his team the guy who says assassination and sanctions in Iran are "half-measures" and calls for a full-on "attack."

Yay for war! More war! Aggressive mustaches for everyone!

Moving on.

Rick Perry is definitely still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Newt Gingrich confesses he should probably stop attacking Romney using the whole "greedy capitalist garbage nightmare" angle, because he sounds too much like a Democrat, and also too much like a human being with a functional empathy center.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, did you know that Ron Paul is anti-choice? It's true! And yet some dudes who claim to be progressives nonetheless think he's awesome because they don't understand that allowing the state to force women to carry pregnancies they don't want is incompatible with freedom! Whooooooooooops you are misogynists!

Jon Huntsman zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. South Carolina zzzzzzzzz.

Rick Santorum announces that he is unelectable: "[Mitt Romney]'s the most electable because the establishment feels comfortable with him. Right? That's it. Well they're not going to feel comfortable with me!" Welp, we already knew that Rick Santorum was totally unelectable, for myriad reasons. Nice to see he's caught up and is finally on the same page. Good job, Santorum. Now go home and take a nap.

Hey, want one more reason to hate Mitt Romney? Here's a doozy: "According to a passage from a forthcoming book, The Real Romney, while serving as bishop of a Mormon congregation near Boston in the early 80's, Romney once threatened to excommunicate a young single mother if she did not give her soon-to-be-born son up for adoption." Neat! What a neat guy with such a neat religion!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for the upcoming HBO film Game Change, about John McCain's fateful decision (lulz) to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.


Ominous string music. Shots of crowds cheering for Obama. A dude says in voiceover: "Obama just changed the entire dynamic." String music. Text onscreen: The 2008 Election. Woody Harrelson says: "It is a change year, sir. We need to create a dynamic moment in this campaign." Cut to Ed Harris as John McCain looking concerned. (Did you find Ed Harris attractive? Well, you don't anymore!) Text onscreen: A Time for Change. String music. Harrelson says: "Or we're dead."

Harris is at the Republican convention, smiling. Text onscreen: From the Writer & Director of Recount. Harris is at the convention, grimacing. A news broadcast reports that McCain is "reshuffling his most senior campaign staff." Text onscreen: Julianne Moore. A lady's high heel-clad foot steps out of a limo. That grizzly mom silhouette sure looks familiar as the lady walks into the convention...!

Harrlson says: "We desperately need a game-changing pick." Text onscreen: Woody Harrelson. "None of these middle-aged white guys are game-changers." Harrlson watches a room stand and applaud for the lady who is still seen just from behind. Darn it all, I know I've seen that hockey mom up-do somewhere before...!

Text onscreen: Ed Harris. Ed Harris as John McCain (oh Maude that is disturbing!) says: "So find me a woman." DUNH-DUNH.

The ominous music bottoms out, as it is revealed that John McCain, political genius, super-maverick, and definitely not an opportunistic fucko, has made the SHOCKING decision to cynically ask A FEMALE HUMAN BEING to be his running mate, in order to compete with the historic candidacy of Barack Obama.

Cut to people chanting "Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!" at the Republican convention as the mystery lady walks onstage. At long last, we see the face of Julianne Moore as Tina Fey: "I will be honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States." Cheers and applause. Yay!!! Nothing can go wrong now! From here, it's straight to the White House!

Text onscreen: From the Bestselling Book Game Change. Coming in March to an HBO near you.

Primarily Stupid

Here's the latest from Who Farted, Too: Electric Boogaloo aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich is having a wacky day today (hey, maybe he is zany after all!), as he gets a swell endorsement from Prop 8 ringleader Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Church in La Mesa, California, who is a huge fan of Gingrich's antigay bigotry and finds that Gingrich "understands the moral component" of marriage. That is to say, preventing same-sex marriage. Ahem. But despite his admirable ethics [sic] on social justice issues, CREW is alleging that Gingrich's campaign is engaging in shady accounting. Such a conundrum! On the one hand, Gingrich is a paragon of moral virtue [sic], and on the other, he's a thieving dirtbag. HOW WOULD JESUS VOTE?!

Obviously not for this guy: Mitt Romney, who is still a Mormon, has struck out a controversial path by announcing he "agree[s] with the Constitution." Way to set yourself apart from the Republican pack, sir! None of the candidates are incessantly invoking the Constitution this year! In other news, Romney campaign strategist Flurg Flunderton has confirmed that their strategy of "listen to what everyone else is saying, then say that, too, only wayyyyy more awkwardly" is working great. Also: Mitt Romney is one of you.

Michelle Bachmann, a sitting member of Congress who has been a nationally known candidate for years because of her incendiary politicking, is one of you: "Republican hopeful Michele Bachmann seems to have found a new favorite tag line in the midst of her bus tour: 'I'm one of you.' It's a phrase she's been using more and more, and Monday she seemed to be saying it everywhere she went. 'I am not a politician. I am a real person. I don't even know how to be a politician.'" Ha ha. Okay, player. One of us! One of us!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Carter Eskew of the Washington Post has a great theory on why Ron Paul won't win the nomination: "Ron Paul's un-electability will be his undoing." Solid observation. Sometimes I daydream about having a column in the Washington Post, but I then remember that you've got to have the Big Ideas to get a job like that. Aw, shucks!

Jon Huntsman's "long-shot campaign hinges on South Carolina," according to CBS. Wait a second—I thought it hinged on New Hampshire! Garsh, it's hard to keep track of on what wildly improbable victory Jon Huntsman's futile campaign for the presidential nomination and slightly less futile (but still definitely very futile) campaign for the vice presidential slot on the ticket depends. In good news, his campaign to be sent back to China is looking GREAT!

Rick Santorum got an enthusiastic endorsement in the Letters section of the paper from a lady in Sioux City, Iowa. "I am angry and hateful, and I support Rick Santorum!" Ha ha perfect. She also suuuuuuuuper loves playing Conservative Bingo. Who loves this endorsement as much as I do?


And here's a bit of bright news for all you Palin-Heads in the crowd: Sarah Palin said in an interview on Fox Business Network that "it's not too late for folks to jump in." Told ya! Go get 'em, Sarah!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.