Primarily Terrible

Republican presidential candidate former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, walks away from the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox statues during a campaign stop at in Bemidji, Minn., Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012. [AP Photo]

Y'all, I'm worried about Rick Santorum. I remember a time when he never would have gotten that close to man-on-bull action. He's really lost his way during this national election, having to spend time in red-light districts like Iowa and centers of moral corruption like New Hampshire. If he makes it to Indiana, who knows what could happen? I live here, and look what it's done to me! We should send him back to the safety of Pennsylvania right away, before he ends up living in a gay brothel giving abortions to undocumented immigrants like I do.

Ha ha just kidding! Don't worry—Rick Santorum is still the heinous specimen of compassionless wreckage he's always been!

See Exhibit A: Santorum Longs for Good Old Days of 'Shadow Abortions' When Women Obtained Back-Alley Procedures.

In good news (for no one but Rick Santorum), he might win Missouri's non-binding primary! And he's doing well in Minnesota and Colorado, too! GOOD FOR YOU, RICK SANTORUM! You really picked a perfect year to run for president, when even a nightmare candidate like yourself would be given consideration by reasonable people desperate to find an alternative to the detestable frontrunner!

Speaking of Mitt Romney, he proudly announced the endorsement he got from former California Governor Pete Wilson, supporter of the state's infamous Proposition 187, which targeted undocumented workers. So, take note: Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people, he definitely doesn't care about women and the queer community, and he also doesn't care about Latin@ voters. True Facts!

Do you think that Mitt Romney realizes that "the 1%" isn't just a turn of phrase? Does he know it literally means 1% of the population? And that he needs more than 1% of the population to win a general election? Math is hard.

Something something Ron Paul. Still yammering about "freedom" while arguing that bodies with uteri should be government property. You are so terrible, Ron Paul! Gross!


Newt Gingrich, who is still in the campaign and is seriously boring me, was on the news this morning babbling some nonsense about how important he is blah blah and the proof is in the Saturday Night Live pudding or whatever. Who cares. Also: Wikipedia scrubbing! That is so boring! Even Newt Gingrich's campaign scandals are making me yawn!

Don't worry, Newt Gingrich. You are still more exciting than Jon Huntsman!

Hey! Speaking of candidates who have totes jumped outta the clown car, Michele Bachmann says she was the perfect candidate. Ha ha whooooooooooooops! She is even worse at math than Mitt Romney! Even mediocre candidates need more than 0% of the vote, Representative Bachmann!

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. He has not un-suspended his campaign yet.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

News I Don't Want to Write About

[Content Note: War, reproductive rights legislation, rape culture, violence, misogyny.]

Here is all the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the BIG NEWS that Iran is totally going to attack the US! It's true! Or not! It seems like I've heard this story before: The administration of a first-term president before a hotly contested election says that US intelligence has found that Iraq Iran is developing nuclear capabilities with intent to attack the US and/or US interests, and there are UN weapons inspections, with which Iraq Iran is cooperating, but the belligerent rhetoric of preemptive self-defense keeps getting ratcheted up nonetheless, including accusations of Iraq's Iran's noncompliance with those inspections. THIS IS A FAMILIAR TUNE, SHAKERS!

"Wolf!"—The Boy.

In good news, the New York Times is partying like it's 2003, because they've already got a year of reporting covered c/o search and replace.


There is the news that Michele Bachmann exited the presidential campaign one million dollars in debt. And the news that Rick Perry blew through $15 million in the final months of his campaign, for presumably no purpose other than raising awareness about what a douche he is so he could LOSE FASTER! This is yet another golden opportunity for USians to consider how utterly fucked up it is that we do not have publicly financed elections or limited electoral seasons, and very rich people spend enormous amounts of money to get elected while other politicians who have already been elected argue in fancy buildings about how we don't have any money to provide healthcare, food, and housing to everyone in the country.

There is the news that former Florida Governor Charlie Crist might someday run again for office as a Democrazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huntsman-Crist for President-VP of Napping!

There is the story about Janet Howell, a Virginia State Senator, who, to Make A Point, attached an amendment to a state mandatory ultrasound abortion bill "that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication." Hardy-har. Suffice it to say I don't find proposing the equivalent of a forced trans-vaginal sonogram law to be amusing, since it's little more than a sophisticated rape joke. I am, I trust it is evident, sympathetic to Howell's intentions, but I cannot get on board with fighting the nonconsensual control of the bodies of women and other people with uteri with a proposal for more of it, rather than less. Coercing a person to undergo an unnecessary vaginal probe to acquire a legal medical procedure is rape, and compelling an anal probe is no different.

There is news about ladies! The US women's soccer league's 2012 season has been cancelled less than 24 hours after the US women's national team qualified for the Olympics. If there's one thing we know how to do in America, it's treat women's sports like absolute shit!

There is the story of a man in Afghanistan, where we've been SPREADING FREEDOM for ten years and counting, who has reportedly strangled his wife after she failed to bear him a son. Three healthy daughters, though. Who now have no mother. Rage. Seethe. Boil.

There is this story about "three regulators [who] did indeed ring warning bells [about the subprime financial crisis]—at the right time, in the right places, and loud enough for other banking and financial system overseers," but were all ignored. Guess what they all have in common? Go on—guess! If you said they were all ladies, give yourself 1,000 points, redeemable at Shakesville's OMFG the Absurd Misogyny in the Year 2012 Shop!

Ladynews Trifecta!

There is, because I want to end on a hopeful note, this story about a potential breakthrough in cancer research and one patient's view of a future.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

OMG, y'all! I'm really concerned about how you're handling the devastation of Michele Bachmann dropping out of the Republican Primary. Are you okay? I hope you are okay. If you start feeling overwhelmed with grief, let this thought cheer you: Now that Bachmann is gone, we are guaranteed that a straight white rich man will secure the Republican nomination. There. Don't you feel better already?

Speaking of the straight white rich man who's going to secure the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney. That's it. Subject, predicate, the end. He's going to win. All the rest of this is bluster and balderdash, until he stumbles his way to the stage at the Republican convention, picks some other straight white rich dude who appeals to evangelicals as his running mate, and then gets eaten alive by President Obama at the debates. Now please enjoy this AP wire photo of Mitt Romney staring dreamily at John McCain.


You know who is NOT staring dreamily at John McCain? Jon Huntsman, that's who! "Nobody cares" about his stupid endorsement of Mitt Romney! Well, even though he sounds like a big petulant baby who's about to take his big granite balls and go home, he's probably right—because if there's one thing in which Jon Huntsman is an expert, it's PEOPLE NOBODY CARES ABOUT.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Guess how much money Rick Santorum has raised since his big not-win in Iowa? Go on, guess! Did you guess ONE MILLION DOLLARS?! Then you are RIGHT! Rick Santorum has raised one million dollars since 25% of Iowa Caucus-goers said, "Welp, at least he's not Mormon!" Ha ha wait 'til they find out he's Catholic!

Ron Paul pisses on Rick Santorum's one million dollars. He has raised THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS in the last few months, giving him a war chest second only to Mitt Romney's. (True Fact: Mitt Romney carries one hundred million dollars cash in his front pocket at all times. He is very rich.) The Romney campaign reportedly raised twenty million in the last quarter. Thassa lotta bootstraps!

This is my favorite headline about Newt Gingrich of the day: "Newt Gingrich sheds his 'nice guy' strategy in New Hampshire." Ha ha sure. Definitely what I've been thinking about Newt Gingrich the past few weeks is, "My, what an interesting strategy of being a nice guy while spewing incomprehensibly cruel rightwing rhetoric!" I guess it's all relative: Gingrich didn't serve divorce papers on a woman diagnosed with cancer while campaigning in Iowa, so, by his own extraordinary standards, merely being a full-tilt, world-class, bile-spewing hate machine was "nice."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Bachmann: Out

CNN is reporting that Rep. Michele Bachmann will be suspending her campaign any minute now. What a heartbreaker for us all, I'm sure.

UPDATE: You can watch the press conference live at CNN once it begins.

Primarily Stupid

OMG, y'all! How FUN was the Iowa Caucus? SO FUN, RIGHT?! I couldn't stop farting with excitement all night! My favorite part, as always, was the media coverage of the events, which is definitely for sure not at all completely awkward and suuuuuuuuuper boring because trying to fill hours and hours of uninterrupted airtime about people counting votes is THE BEST!

Check out this totally trenchant reporting from CNN last night: "They're counting votes here in Whatever County." A woman counts votes in the background. "There's no way of telling what the result will be. The counting continues." PERFECT.

Now, for the big news. Rick Santorum, can you guess in what place you came after all the votes were finally counted?


Nope! But very close! You came in second—which, despite being virtually meaningless in terms of your actual chances of winning the nomination (remember when Mike Huckabee won last time? lulz good times!), is still very impressive, considering that you are a national joke with no discernible political skills. Congratulations!

I bet it was the all-important Duggars endorsement that pushed him to the top of the heap. The grody, horrible heap.

The big winner of the night, by EIGHT VOTES, was Mitt Romney! Good for you, Mitt Romney! Your "Least Objectionable in a Field of Highly Objectionable Garbage Nightmares" certificate is in the mail!

Speaking of eight votes, that is nearly as many as Jon Huntsman got in the entire state. Whoooooooooooops your campaign, Jon Huntsman! I know you are putting all your eggs in New Hampshire's granite, but zoinks you did awful in Iowa. I'm pretty sure I heard last night on CNN that in one county you had tied with Herman Cain, who isn't even running anymore. Yiiiiiiikes.

Still: Hang in there, Jon Huntsman! I think the people of New Hampshire may have noticed that Rick Santorum is a jackass, and not noticed that you are a Mormon. Fingers crossed!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet! But in his speech to supporters last night, he was talking about his campaign in the past-tense. Even though Rick Perry is a dreadful speaker who rarely makes sense, I don't think that's a good sign.

Speaking of dropping out, Michele Bachmann, who was born in Iowa and has virtually lived in the state, professionally waving and eating fair food, since announcing her candidacy, did only slightly better than Jon Huntsman, who has never even heard of Iowa. Whoooooops you should have tried not being a woman, Michele Bachmann! Also, you should have tried not being a dipshit with sawdust where your sense of decency should be. Bachmann nonetheless told her supporters last night that she's staying in the race. Once the reality sets in that this will be Very Hard after all her donations dry up, Bachmann will probably drop out and endorse Rick Santorum.

And speaking of assholes, Newt Gingrich used his speech last night to talk smack about Mitt Romney. Ha ha good plan. Not a good plan for winning (which is not what Newt Gingrich is trying to do), but a good plan—nay, an awesome plan—for trying to stop Mitt Romney from winning (which is definitely what Newt Gingrich is trying to do). Keep it up, Newt Gingrich! The path to Rick Santorum's presidency lies directly behind the trail of earth you scorch!

Ron Paul also did very well, coming in third. I can't even imagine how hot Andrew Sullivan's and Glenn Greenwald's phone sex was last night.

In other news, John McCain will endorse Mitt Romney. "Who cares" seems woefully insufficient on such an occasion.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from Mission Inconceivable: Fart Protocol aka the Republican Primary...

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh token lady oh boy oh boy! The Iowa Caucuses are today and you know what that means! People will win! People will lose! And people will drop out! Which will, if nothing else, make these posts shorter! In the meantime...

Rick Santorum is surging! (Ew.) A senior Santorum adviser (What a great job! "I advise you to keep being a cavernous void of charisma and decency! Ten thousand dollars, please!") tells CNN "the campaign raised more money in the last week than they raised on-line the past six months, adding that fundraising is between 300% and 400% higher on a daily basis than it was just ten days ago." That sounds very impressive until you find out that fundraising averaged one dollar and three Wendy's vouchers monthly until ten days ago.

Anyway! I bet all this surging (ew) has to do with Rick Santorum's sweater vests. (Great reporting, New York Times! Keep it up!)

Rick Perry, who is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet, is making a keen strategic play to lose by attacking not-frontrunner Rick Santorum. "This guy has proven that he can't win races when it matters against a liberal Democrat." Ha ha OH SNAP! Pointing out the glaringly obvious fact that Rick Santorum is unelectable! DAYUM! Who is Rick Perry's chief strategist—Machiavelli?!

P.S. Santorum did not run against and lose to a liberal Democrat. He ran against and lost to Bob Casey, who is an anti-choice Democrat.

P.P.S. If Santorum won the Republican Primary (ha ha I KNOW!), he would still not be running against a liberal Democrat.

P.P.P.S. If only!

Ron Paul, who apparently has a secret plan to actually win, is borrowing from the Perry Playbook (great idea!) and going after Rick Santorum by saying he is "very liberal." Yep. Good call, Ron Paul. You continue to impress me with your astute observations like "women are filthy whores," "black people are gross," and "Rick Santorum is very liberal." Go to hell, Ron Paul.

Jon Huntsman said this week zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Michele Bachmann has promised to "surprise a lot of people tonight." By winning, I think she means? Ha ha whatever. Who cares. Bachmann also bragged about having "more than 200 pastors endorsing her campaign." Two hundred pastors agree! Sure. But what do 30 Helens think?

Speaking of people who think they're going to win today (but actually have a chance), Mitt Romney says he's going to win! I think Mitt Romney has been reading The Secret, ya'll. Be the win, Willard!

Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, does not think he's going to win. Awwwwwww. Someone give Newt a copy of The Little Rightwing Extremist Ideologue Who Could. In other news, Newt Gingrich thinks Ron Paul is a stupid fuck. (I'm paraphrasing.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING, Newt Gingrich!

Good luck, Iowa! I hope you vote to throw all these candidates in the garbage.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Bore Trek 3: The Search for Zombie Reagan aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich has some great new campaign ideas! Don't worry—being a better candidate is not among them! He is going to "launch a 'Pets with Newt' site aimed at Gingrich's love for animals, intended to show a 'lighter side' of the candidate." Which is PERFECT, because he doesn't have any pets. "Gingrich doesn't have any pets at this time, but he told ABC News today he and his wife Callista want a dog in the White House." Do you hear that, America? There is a dog who will probably never have a home unless we elect Newt Gingrich! You know what that means: We'd better petition President Obama to adopt that dog when he's reelected.

The other great new campaign idea? "The campaign also plans to release a music education video starring Callista, who is a classically trained musician and signer [sic]." Perfect. In other news, Gingrich is trying to lower expectations about how he'll fare in the March 6 Virginia primary. That's probably a good idea.

Speaking of Virginia, candidates Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, and Rick Santorum aren't even on the Virginia ballot. None of them submitted the requisite paperwork in time to qualify. Whoooooooooops.

Jon Huntsman is truly running for vice president at this point. Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum think they're running for vice president, but they are not. They are running for Ha Ha Nope and Yiiiiiiiikes, respectively. Good luck to them! They have very good chances of winning!

In other veep news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is "open" to being selected as the eventual nominee's running mate, if that nominee is Mitt Romney, whom Christie endorsed. I'm guessing anyone else would not be interested. Although, if nominated, Ron Paul should really think about it. He and Christie would have a nice Laurel & Hardy quality to them.

Speaking of Ron Paul, his grunge-era newsletters continue to be a very racist and homophobic and ablist thorn in his side [TW]: "A direct-mail solicitation for Ron Paul's political and investment newsletters two decades ago warned of a 'coming race war in our big cities' and of a 'federal-homosexual cover-up' to play down the impact of AIDS. ... Among other things, the articles called the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. a 'world-class philanderer,' criticized the U.S. holiday bearing King's name as 'Hate Whitey Day,' and said that AIDS sufferers 'enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick'."

Relatedly, Paul's Iowa campaign chair Drew Ivers said: "It is ridiculous to imply that Ron Paul is a bigot, racist, or unethical." I agree! It is ridiculous to imply that! It should be said outright!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet. He also does not "have a problem with" drugs-testing people who get federal assistance, like unemployment, food stamps, and housing aid. Of course he doesn't. Because he is flesh tower of privilege with crumpled-up paper towels where his brains should be.

Mitt Romney, who is still very rich and will only get richer, won't release his tax returns. EVER! Well, that certainly bodes well for the transparency of a hypothetical Romney administration. I guess once a guy gets an endorsement from Bush I, he thinks he's hot shit!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

Here's the latest from The Douchestewian Candidates aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich has a great new website: NewtGingrich.com. Click on it. Click on it again. Now click on it three more times. LOL! Whooooooooooooooops Newt Gingrich you forgot to buy your own name domain! Less time "courting voters with judicial rants" and more time in your remedial Internetz 101 class!

Mitt Romney has reversed his position on Iraq: Where he once supported the invasion even though Saddam Hussein had no WMDs, now he says it was "obviously" a bad idea to invade knowing what we know now. I'm really shocked by this total reversal. If there's one thing I thought to be true about Mitt Romney, it's that he's a consistent, principled candidate who doesn't just change his positions willy-nilly depending on which way the wind is blowing. Ha ha just kidding. Everyone knows that Willard has the consistency and principles of a horny teenage boy trying to get laid: "You like the Twilight movies? I LOVE the Twilight movies!"

Ron Paul is testy about the racist newsletters that bore his name and made him shit-tons of money. "I didn't write them, didn't read them at the time, and I disavow them. This is the answer." He then walked out of the interview with CNN's Gloria Borger. That is not a very satisfactory answer, Ron Paul!

I mean, apart from the fact that you just seem pissed-off at being held accountable for hurtful actions, rather than deeply remorseful that ugly racist swill was circulated under your name (hey, is that by any chance because you're not remorseful about that at all?), that you allegedly didn't read or know about ugly racist swill distributed under your name does not speak well to your ability to function competently in the leadership role of a complex organization, where you have to balance hiring trustworthy people to whom you can delegate tasks integral to executing your vision and getting personally involved to provide necessary oversight and guidance. How can you be president if you can't even make sure people who work for/with you aren't sending out The Ron Paul Racist Weekly under your nose?

Also, Ron Paul, I believe you are lying! Because I'm pretty sure no one would have gotten away with sending out pro-choice feminist theory under your name. Just saying!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Michele Bachmann has a favorite gun: "My favorite gun is the AR15 and I'm a really good shot." The AR15 is the civilian version of the M16 assault rifle used by the US military. Um, good job? I don't know anything about guns, and I am kind of creeped out by having favorite guns, but if you're going to have a favorite gun, the AR15 seems like a great one. It is definitely a very impressive murder machine! (Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.)

Here are five things you probably don't know about Jon Huntsman. They are also five things you probably don't care about. Then again, maybe knowing that Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school in 1978 to play keyboards in the rock band Wizard will make you reconsider whether he should be President of the United States of America, so.

Who thinks Rick Santorum's answers to Wolf Blitzer in this interview are just very, very good—a real model of coherent proficiency on the important issues of the day?


Well, that makes sense.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Awful

Here's the latest from White Men Can't Stump aka the Republican Primary...

Speaking of white men, a white man named Bob Vander Plaats, who is the head of Iowa's American Family Values Children Christian Liberty Freedom Patriot Association Foundation Organization, recently gave his very coveted endorsement to lucky fucky Rick Santorum, another white man. But, before doing do, Vander Plaats reportedly "called Michele Bachmann and urged her to drop out of the race and endorse Rick Santorum. ... Bachmann declined, the source said, noting to Vander Plaats that she has consistently polled ahead of Santorum in the race and still does." Bachmann is, of course, famously not a man.

Whoooooooooooooooops Michele Bachmann you are a lady running to be president for a party that does not like ladies.

Rick Perry is still definitely a man, still definitely polling lower than Bachmann, and still definitely in the race! Also, he's an outsider. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Speaking of gold, Ron Paul made a lot of money from virulently racist newsletters once upon a time, from which he's tried to distance himself in a very unconvincing way. But obviously he's not racist, because Andrew Sullivan endorsed him. Ha ha just kidding. That definitely means he's suuuuuuuper racist. I hope he is elected president so he can make Andrew Sullivan Secretary of the Bell Curve and UFOs.

The second most popular Mormon in the pack, Jon Huntsman, is distantly related to four former US presidents! Willard is related to six, and Ponyboy Perry to one. Neat! "Time and again American politicians have family ties to our country's founders and past leaders," said Anastasia Harman, lead family historian for Ancestry.com. "It seems the traits that forged past leaders have been handed down through generations to our current and hopeful leaders." Ha ha yep. Traits like privilege.

Newt Gingrich snagged a great endorsement from professional douchestew Don Wildmon, the founder and chairman emeritus of the American Family Association. It's no wonder, either, with Gingrich groovin' the smooth moves like telling a gay man at a campaign event to go vote for Obama. Newt Gingrich 2012: He don't want your cooties vote.

Mitt Romney is very rich! And he's gonna keep getting richer, son.

And in spoiler news, former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson, who has been running for president as a Republican to the tune of Who Cares, has announced he will instead seek the Libertarian Party presidential nomination. "Yay!" said no one. Johnson has no capacity to be a spoiler, but it turns out that Ron Paul does.

Paul-Johnson 2012! "Who's Paul Johnson?" This just in from CNN News: Third-party candidate Paul Johnson is now leading the Republican field by fully 100 points.

Breaking News from the Conservative News Service: Paul Johnson has a Christmas tree positively FILLED with Jesus ornaments.

Reuters Newsflash: Paul Johnson has just been endorsed by the American Conservative Babies Jesus Constitution Bootstrap Brigade.

AP Breaking News: Paul Johnson campaign over after candidate discovered to be two totally unelectable dudes.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

Here's the latest from Who Farted, Too: Electric Boogaloo aka the Republican Primary...

Newt Gingrich is having a wacky day today (hey, maybe he is zany after all!), as he gets a swell endorsement from Prop 8 ringleader Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Church in La Mesa, California, who is a huge fan of Gingrich's antigay bigotry and finds that Gingrich "understands the moral component" of marriage. That is to say, preventing same-sex marriage. Ahem. But despite his admirable ethics [sic] on social justice issues, CREW is alleging that Gingrich's campaign is engaging in shady accounting. Such a conundrum! On the one hand, Gingrich is a paragon of moral virtue [sic], and on the other, he's a thieving dirtbag. HOW WOULD JESUS VOTE?!

Obviously not for this guy: Mitt Romney, who is still a Mormon, has struck out a controversial path by announcing he "agree[s] with the Constitution." Way to set yourself apart from the Republican pack, sir! None of the candidates are incessantly invoking the Constitution this year! In other news, Romney campaign strategist Flurg Flunderton has confirmed that their strategy of "listen to what everyone else is saying, then say that, too, only wayyyyy more awkwardly" is working great. Also: Mitt Romney is one of you.

Michelle Bachmann, a sitting member of Congress who has been a nationally known candidate for years because of her incendiary politicking, is one of you: "Republican hopeful Michele Bachmann seems to have found a new favorite tag line in the midst of her bus tour: 'I'm one of you.' It's a phrase she's been using more and more, and Monday she seemed to be saying it everywhere she went. 'I am not a politician. I am a real person. I don't even know how to be a politician.'" Ha ha. Okay, player. One of us! One of us!

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet.

Carter Eskew of the Washington Post has a great theory on why Ron Paul won't win the nomination: "Ron Paul's un-electability will be his undoing." Solid observation. Sometimes I daydream about having a column in the Washington Post, but I then remember that you've got to have the Big Ideas to get a job like that. Aw, shucks!

Jon Huntsman's "long-shot campaign hinges on South Carolina," according to CBS. Wait a second—I thought it hinged on New Hampshire! Garsh, it's hard to keep track of on what wildly improbable victory Jon Huntsman's futile campaign for the presidential nomination and slightly less futile (but still definitely very futile) campaign for the vice presidential slot on the ticket depends. In good news, his campaign to be sent back to China is looking GREAT!

Rick Santorum got an enthusiastic endorsement in the Letters section of the paper from a lady in Sioux City, Iowa. "I am angry and hateful, and I support Rick Santorum!" Ha ha perfect. She also suuuuuuuuper loves playing Conservative Bingo. Who loves this endorsement as much as I do?


And here's a bit of bright news for all you Palin-Heads in the crowd: Sarah Palin said in an interview on Fox Business Network that "it's not too late for folks to jump in." Told ya! Go get 'em, Sarah!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from Who Didn't Fart?: The Hunt for Fred Thompson aka the Republican Primary...

New Iowa frontrunner (whut) Ron Paul (!) is surging thanks in part to his foresight in having a functional campaign in place. Good job on knowing how to be a candidate, sir! That is only HALF the sarcasm it normally would be, because it is actually true that most of the other candidates haven't bothered to consider the importance of building a serious campaign infrastructure staffed by coordinated employees and volunteers. Whooooooooooooops!

Former frontrunner (oopsy) Newt Gingrich continues to implode. (Ha ha omg you are making Ron Paul look like a centrist!) I'm sure there are people who get electionboners for candidates who dabble in moderation-torching bellicosity like threatening to send US marshals to arrest "activist judges" and promising to "ignore Supreme Court decisions that conflicted with his powers as commander in chief [and] press for impeaching judges or even abolishing certain courts if he disagreed with their rulings," but I am pretty sure they are usually the same people who consider cheating on your wives, plural, a grave affront to the Baby Jesus, so.

Former former frontrunner Mitt Romney is probably spending a lot of time thinking about the last election, when the super boring and resoundingly unlikable John McCain just hung the fuck in there until he eventually got the nomination by default. Good luck, Willard! I have every faith that you are at once totally mediocre and breathtakingly awful enough to win this staring contest with the worst people in the country! If there's one thing that Republican primary voters can't do, it's stop meddling in other people's reproductive and marriage rights, but if there's A SECOND THING that Republican primary voters can't do, it's not blink in the radiant glow of a straight white patriarch who, at the end of the day, seems pretty likely to let them continue to stockpile automatic weapons.

Michele Bachmann doesn't believe in the Kinsey Report. Of course she doesn't. The Kinsey Report is of science, and science is of the devil, no doy. If god had wanted Michele Bachmann to believe that hokum, he would have transcribed it to the lesser-known thirteenth disciple, St. Chad of Fabulous. But he didn't! And that's why gays are a myth and science is stupid. The end.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet. Also: He got totes pwned by a 14-year-old girl.

Jon Huntsman is putting all his eggs in New Hampshire. He might come in second! "Even if he comes in second, that's a win," says Bob Bestani, a former congressional candidate. In a tumultuous primary contest so full of knuckleheads and dildobrains that even Donald Trump and Herman Cain have been the leading contenders at one time, I'm not sure even first is a win, no less second.

The Associated Press does not mince words about the pointless vanity candidacy of Rick Santorum: "In a presidential campaign marked by sharp rises and falls, Republican Rick Santorum has experienced neither." Ouch. No one cares about you, Rick Santorum! Go home and go to bed!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.