Primarily Horrendo

People walk past a cardboard cutout of Republican US presidential candidate Rick Santorum at the American Conservative Union's annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, February 9, 2012. [REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst]

In my mind, the soundtrack to that image is this song.

Anyway! I sort of lost the plot with the primary news this morning, after the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT that President Obama was kinda sorta caving but not really (?!) to conservative religious bullies. The one GOOD THING about this election is that, no matter which of the two major parties you support, you can feel safe in the guarantee that the healthcare of women and other people with uteri will always be regarded as a TOTALLY NEGOTIABLE ITEM.

"My uterus is a bargaining chip!"—Me, every election in my lifetime.

Speaking of misogyny, Rick Santorum, Good Christian, says he has concerns about women in combat roles because "that could be a very compromising situation, where people naturally may do things that may not be in the interest of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved. It already happens, of course, with the camaraderie of men in combat, but I think it would be even more unique if women were in combat."

Sure. Like, what if I were on the frontlines in Afghanistan, and I saw an enemy combatant who I thought was super dreamy? I would probably abandon my post to go make out with him, and then tell him to shoot the dudes in my unit. So Rick Santorum, as usual, definitely has a point.

In other news, the surging Santorum is cleaning up the grody Newt Gingrich leftovers. Sloppy Seconds Santorum! That's what we used to call him at the roller rink back in the '80s.

What does that even mean? I don't know. Here's a picture.


In Mitt Romney news, Mitt Romney is meeting privately with conservative leaders at CPAC, "in an effort to reassure Republicans who remain skeptical about his candidacy." Ha ha GOOD LUCK, Mitt Romney! I hope your party is fun and that its attendees enjoy the party favors! By which I mean THE BRIBES!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty. Freedom. Gold standard. Honest rape.


Rick Santorum reading this post: "That roller skater isn't even me!"
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

Supporters pray over Republican presidential candidate, former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (C) during a campaign stop at the Bella Donna Chapel on February 8, 2012 in McKinney, Texas. [Getty Images]

I'm thinking it's images like the one above (barrrrrrrrf) that necessitated frontrunner (!?whut?!) Rick Santorum assuring voters that he is not running to be "pastor in chief" of the United States. (He totally is, by the way.) I will point out yet again, because I'm an asshole like that, that the church in which this revival campaign event was held is a tax exempt entity, since it is not considered inappropriately political for a congregation to lay its hands on a presidential candidate and pray for him in front of the news media.

I will also note (#asshole #atheist) that these laws were put into place back when religious institutions in this country were generally in the business of actually helping the poor in their communities and not building multimillion-dollar entertainment complexes complete with ATMs and gift shops.

Anyway!

Here is a fun quote from Rick Santorum, Master of Projection: "The intolerance of the left, the intolerance of the secular ideology, it is a religion unto itself, it is just not a biblical based religion, and it is the most intolerant. Just like we saw from the days of the atheists of the Soviet Union, it is completely intolerant of dissent. They fear dissent. Why? Because the dissent comes from folks who use reason, common sense, and divine revelation and they want no part of any of those things."

"Reason, common sense, and divine revelation." One of these things is not like the other, Rick Santorum!

Rick Santorum also said at the same revival campaign event: "The institution of marriage saved my life." Rick Santorum is a hyperbolic dipshit, so it is not literally true that marriage saved his life, but he clearly finds his marriage VERY IMPORTANT to the quality of his life. Which, of course, makes it even more heinous that he endeavors to deny participation in the institution of marriage to some people, on the basis of whom they want to marry.

"Here is a life-saving thing that YOU CANNOT HAVE!"—Rick Santorum, Good Christian.

Speaking of Good Christians, the American Conservative Union's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is this week, and, naturally Mitt Romney is heading on over in order to pretend like there's a chance in hell that he'll ever appeal to extreme social conservatives.

CPAC FUN FACT! In 2007, Mitt Romney introduced Ann Coulter at CPAC by saying, "I am happy to hear that after you hear from me, you will hear from Ann Coulter. That is a good thing. Oh yeah!" before Coulter took the stage and called John Edwards a nasty gay slur.

Mitt Romney will be in GREAT COMPANY again at this year's CPAC: "CPAC will play host to anti-gay groups such as the Family Research Council, the birther leader of WorldNetDaily, and the Apartheid-nostalgic Youth for Western Civilization. But that isn't all. Following speeches from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Rep. Michele Bachmann, CPAC is hosting (pdf) the panel 'The Failure of Multiculturalism: How the pursuit of diversity is weakening the American Identity' with Peter Brimelow, the founder and head of VDARE.com ... a White Nationalist website, run by [a dude] from Great Britain [who] expresses his fear of the loss of America's white majority, blames non-white immigrants for social and economic problems, and urges the Republican Party to give up on minority voters and focus on winning the white vote."

Awesome! Good company you keep, Mitt Romney!

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, who is still definitely in the race for inexplicable reasons, will also be in attendance at CPAC.

I guess Ron Paul isn't attending? Well, that makes sense. He's probably pretty confident everyone already knows he's a racist thanks to those suuuuuuuper racist newsletters.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

P.S. I just saw this wire photo of Rick Santorum wearing a cowboy hat while campaigning in Texas...


...and now I cannot unsee this:


To the Beltway...and BEYOND!
That may be the ticket with the best chance of beating the unstoppable Goat|Paperclip this year!

Have a nice day!

Primarily Disastrous

WTF?! for America.
OMG, y'all! Rick Santorum won ALL THREE primaries last night. Or, to be precise: The two official caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota after winning their unofficial straw polls and the unofficial primary in Missouri ahead of its official caucus next month. (Whatever.) RICK. FUCKING. SANTORUM. Rick Santorum! Rick Santorum! Rick Santorum! Whuuuuuuut. Even for you, Republicans, this is incredible! RICK SANTORUM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

RICK SANTORUM?!
Listen, y'all: I know I'm a total garbage monster for saying this, but I kind of hope he's the nominee. (He won't be.) I hope he's the nominee, and the entire country finally gets a good goddamn look at how utterly intellectually bankrupt the GOP really is, and we all vote in a national referendum to criminalize the Republican Party on principle.

"Sorry, conservatives: You're going to have to do better than this. We're not outlawing your vomitous ideology, but you need to build a new party from scratch with serious candidates, and you've got the next four years of President Obama's second term to do it. GOOD LUCK!"—America.

Santorum/Bachmann 2012!

Failing that, Rick Santorum (RICK FUCKING SANTORUM ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!) could just be elected our next president, and we can go ahead and declare the Great American Experiment a dismal failure. ("Whooooooooops!"—The Founders.) Then we can start two new countries called Progressistan and Aynrandia. Good luck, Aynrandia! I hope you succeed in building bridges with NO TAXES!

In news other than RICK SANTORUM BEING CONSIDERED A SERIOUS NATIONAL CANDIDATE WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, Mitt Romney—who didn't lose by just a little bit, either—is still being plagued by money issues. That is to say, the millions upon millions of US voters who are struggling to get by each month are not impressed with shit like Romney's offshore tax shelters and his kids' $100 million trust fund. Conservatives like Mitt Romney love to say things like, "I'm not going to apologize for being successful!" even though no one is asking them to. The thing is, it's just a little unseemly to be flippant about having sooooooo much money when so many people are hurting.

It's not like elected Democrats aren't filthy stinking rich, too (although very few are as rich as Romney); it's just that they have the decency to acknowledge it's a massive privilege and the honesty to admit it's not because they're so much more talented and hardworking and smart than everyone who doesn't share that privilege.

Barack Obama has never denigrated his own effort and capacity by recognizing he also had a fair amount of luck in life, which provided him opportunities he maximized. But listen to Mitt Romney, and you'd think he was the firstborn of a grindstone and a bootstrap, not the incredibly privileged son of a wealthy corporate executive who became a state governor.

In summation: Mitt Romney is gross.

Moving on!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty. Freedom. Forcible childbirth.

Newt Gingrich is still truckin' along, hoping that he's the last one standing in this endless game of Musical Candidates. There is, in the world, news about Newt Gingrich, and his career of corruption, and his candidacy of codswallop, but I bet you have even less interest in reading about it than I have in writing about it. So let's not and say we didn't! HIGH FIVES!

Next Stop: Maine.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Terrible

Republican presidential candidate former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, walks away from the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox statues during a campaign stop at in Bemidji, Minn., Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012. [AP Photo]

Y'all, I'm worried about Rick Santorum. I remember a time when he never would have gotten that close to man-on-bull action. He's really lost his way during this national election, having to spend time in red-light districts like Iowa and centers of moral corruption like New Hampshire. If he makes it to Indiana, who knows what could happen? I live here, and look what it's done to me! We should send him back to the safety of Pennsylvania right away, before he ends up living in a gay brothel giving abortions to undocumented immigrants like I do.

Ha ha just kidding! Don't worry—Rick Santorum is still the heinous specimen of compassionless wreckage he's always been!

See Exhibit A: Santorum Longs for Good Old Days of 'Shadow Abortions' When Women Obtained Back-Alley Procedures.

In good news (for no one but Rick Santorum), he might win Missouri's non-binding primary! And he's doing well in Minnesota and Colorado, too! GOOD FOR YOU, RICK SANTORUM! You really picked a perfect year to run for president, when even a nightmare candidate like yourself would be given consideration by reasonable people desperate to find an alternative to the detestable frontrunner!

Speaking of Mitt Romney, he proudly announced the endorsement he got from former California Governor Pete Wilson, supporter of the state's infamous Proposition 187, which targeted undocumented workers. So, take note: Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people, he definitely doesn't care about women and the queer community, and he also doesn't care about Latin@ voters. True Facts!

Do you think that Mitt Romney realizes that "the 1%" isn't just a turn of phrase? Does he know it literally means 1% of the population? And that he needs more than 1% of the population to win a general election? Math is hard.

Something something Ron Paul. Still yammering about "freedom" while arguing that bodies with uteri should be government property. You are so terrible, Ron Paul! Gross!


Newt Gingrich, who is still in the campaign and is seriously boring me, was on the news this morning babbling some nonsense about how important he is blah blah and the proof is in the Saturday Night Live pudding or whatever. Who cares. Also: Wikipedia scrubbing! That is so boring! Even Newt Gingrich's campaign scandals are making me yawn!

Don't worry, Newt Gingrich. You are still more exciting than Jon Huntsman!

Hey! Speaking of candidates who have totes jumped outta the clown car, Michele Bachmann says she was the perfect candidate. Ha ha whooooooooooooops! She is even worse at math than Mitt Romney! Even mediocre candidates need more than 0% of the vote, Representative Bachmann!

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. He has not un-suspended his campaign yet.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Annoying

Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!
Future general election loser Mitt Romney was the BIG WINNER this weekend, as he ran away with Nevada's Republican Primary, taking more than 50% of the vote. And if there's one place in America where people will trip over each other to put down money on a bad bet everyone sees coming from a mile away, it's Nevada, so that makes sense.

Speaking of how Mitt Romney is an awful candidate, this is my favorite poll result in ages: "By better than 2 to 1, Americans say the more they learn about Romney, the less they like him." LOLOLOLOLOL! Awesome.

In other terrible news for Romney from the same poll: Even though the economy is still a shambles, and even though President Obama's "ratings on handling the economy and job creation remain negative," and even though nearly "nine in 10 people still rate the economy negatively," US voters still rate Obama more highly on "who would better protect the middle class."

Even more damningly: "Fifty-two percent of voters say Obama better understands the economic problems people are having, while 37 percent say Romney does."

And: "Two-thirds of all Americans say they do not think [Mitt Romney] is paying his fair share [of taxes]."

Whoooooooooooooooooops!

Gee, it's almost like US voters are—despite their garbage media and the preponderance of bootstrap narratives implicitly lionizing corporate and individual greed, at both of which Mitt Romney has excelled—clever enough to have determined that Mitt Romney is a gross jerk who lives in a bubble of privilege and supports policy that condones the exploitation of workers and codifies job-killing corporate welfare at the taxpayers' expense. Huh!

In case the point was not yet clear enough, a Mitt Romney biographer is making the rounds with the not-news that the candidate "grew up in a series of bubbles."

#noshitsherlock

Meanwhile, Dick Armey (insert deep breath where SO MANY JOKES want to be) has accused Newt Gingrich of waging "a first-rate vendetta" against Mitt Romney. I guess? Personally, I've always been under the impression that Newt Gingrich could never hate anyone as much as he hates himself, but if Dick Armey says Newt Gingrich hella hates Mitt Romney and it's totes vendetta time, then who am I to argue with Dick Armey?

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Now it's time for another Rick Santorum FUN FACT! In his book, It Takes a Family (take THAT, Hillary Clinton!), Rick Santorum asserts: "The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness." And that is why there are no more children and no more families in the United States of America today. The end.


^ Also a fun fact.
Finally, in related news, E.J. Dionne, Jr. takes a fun look at the Citizens United catastrophe: "We have seen the world created by the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision, and it doesn't work. Oh, yes, it works nicely for the wealthiest and most powerful people in the country, especially if they want to shroud their efforts to influence politics behind shell corporations. It just doesn't happen to work if you think we are a democracy and not a plutocracy." Whoooooops!

Tomorrow: Minnesota!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Horrendo

OMG, y'all! Were you SO SURPRISED by today's BIG NEWS?! Billionaire gentleman and genius Donald Trump DID NOT, as expected, endorse Newt Gingrich, but instead endorsed Mitt Romney! WOWEE WOW! Now that's a reversal even the very talented screenwriters of Atlas Shrugged, Part II: The Shruggening couldn't have written! The twists and turns this primary has taken! It's like a roller coaster! Mostly because of all the barrrrrrrrrf!

There are three ways to look at this scintillating endorsement news: 1. Donald Trump knows how toxic he is, and hopes his grody endorsement hurts Mitt Romney. 2. Donald Trump doesn't know or care about anything except his own ego and flipped a coin to see which of the two conservadipshits he'd endorse once all the cameras were pointed at him. 3. Who gives a fuck.

My preference is #3. YMMV.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something Rick Santorum. Their SuperPACs each owe me $50,000 for pretending like they still matter enough to mention.

In other not-news, Mitt Romney is a gaffe machine and a flip-flopper and a terrible, incoherent campaigner, no doy. He is also a dumbass.

However, he is also still not Newt Gingrich, and thus is he leading big in Nevada, the site of the next Republican Primary.


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Awful

"I am SUCH a bad bet."
Frontrunner (ha ha good luck with that, Republicans!) Mitt Romney continues to get hammered for his "I'm not concerned about the very poor" comment, and rightfully so. His insistence that the comment not be taken out of context, as Greg Sargent notes, is pretty rich coming from a dude whose campaign opportunistically (mis)quoted the President out of context in a wildly mendacious campaign ad, then had the audacity to justify it with: "He did say the words. That's his voice."

And, frankly, the whole context of Romney's comment doesn't make it any better, since it egregiously misrepresents the extent of poverty in the US, and incredibly suggests that the very poor are being sufficiently served by the social safety net his party endeavors to subvert at every conceivable opportunity.

Nor is his comment improved by his absurd clarification: "You've got to take the whole sentence, all right, as opposed to saying, and then change it just a little bit, because then it sounds very different. I've said throughout the campaign my focus, my concern, my energy is gonna be devoted to helping middle income people, all right? We have a safety net for the poor in, and if there are holes in it, I will work to repair that. And if there are people that are falling through the cracks I want to fix that."

Yeah, that's still just as epically stupid as the first time.

Newt Gingrich is getting in on the Get Mitt! action, and highlighted the fact that Romney additionally said: "We will hear from the Democrat party the plight of the poor, you can focus on the very poor, that's not my focus." (Oof. "Thanks, Mitt Romney!"—Barack Obama.) Gingrich's criticism might be more valuable if it weren't coming from a guy who himself does not give a single fuck about the very poor, the kinda poor, the slightly poor, the poor, the almost poor, the soon to be poor, the useda-be poor, the working class, the lower middle class, the middle middle class, the upper middle class, and/or anyone else who is not a bazillionaire conservative donor and/or a corporation and/or Ronald Reagan.

Gingrich is, however, reportedly about to get very lucky today when former sorta-candidate Donald Trump endorses him. (Or announces a third-party vanity candidacy. Watch this space!) That's how you know he's a real Man of the People—multimillionaire mogul Donald Trump's support.

Personally, I'm surprised that Trump isn't endorsing Mitt Romney, since they both love to fire people so much.

Anyway! It's great to see Donald Trump getting involved in the Democratic process again, because he is both a gentleman AND a genius, but I'm really holding out to see who Tronald Dump endorses.

Good times.

I'm sure there is political news about Rick Santorum available somewhere on the planet, because Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum's presidential candidacy is still a Real Thing in the World, but I cannot be arsed to find it, because who cares.

FUN FACT! Rick Santorum, who is Catholic, once blamed the Catholic Church's institutional sex abuse problem on liberalism.


^ Also a fun fact.
Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!
Wowee wow! What a come from ahead! (That's what zie said.) Mitt Romney, as predicted by seriously everyone anywhere ever, won the Florida primary last night. This morning, I am reading lots of articles with headlines like "Why Romney Won" or "Why Gingrich Lost," and all of them are hundreds of words too long, because the reason why Romney won and why Newt Gingrich lost is because Mitt Romney isn't Newt Gingrich and Newt Gingrich is Newt Gingrich the end.

Speaking of headlines, this is my favorite primary headline of the day, care of ABC News: "Can Mitt Maintain the Mo?" Snicker.

The biggest takeaway from the Florida primary is that Mitt Romney is running a very negative and very dishonest campaign. Failing a chunk of errant meteor falling on his head, he will be the Republican nominee, and, although there is not much enthusiasm for him among primary voters, there is hella plenty of enthusiasm for getting Barack Obama out of office. Come the general election, Romney is going to be flush with silly amounts of cash, and he is going to use every last penny of it to go hard negative on Obama without a modicum of regard for fairness or honesty.

Mitt Romney has zero integrity and even less shame. His ads will be breathtakingly inappropriate. And I hope like hell that the Obama campaign team are ready for it, and have a strategy of counter-attack at the ready, because staying above the fray ain't gonna work.

Anyway!

Newt Gingrich did not call Mitt Romney to congratulate him last night, because he is a jerk no doy. Also: He is getting sued for using the song "Eye of the Tiger" without permission. LOL. What a total jackass.

Speaking of jackasses, something something Ron Paul.

Back to Mitt Romney for a moment now, so I can bring you this great story about how he doesn't give a fuck about poor people because they've got the social safety net to help them! LOL! For realz! "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it. I'm not concerned about the very rich, they're doing just fine. I'm concerned about the very heart of the America, the 90 percent, 95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling."

Got that? It's not the poor who are struggling—they're fine! Everyone knows they WANT to be poor! Buncha lazyasses who sold their bootstraps for an xbox. And if (LOL FOREVER) the social safety net needs repair, Mitt Romney will totes fix it! So no worries. Those layabouts will have great lives on the government dime forever, no problem.

Where Mitt Romney needs to focus his energy is on the middle class, which constitutes fully 95% of America, apparently, because they are struggling to make it.

True Facts: In 2010, 16% of the population of the United States, or 49.1 million people, were living in poverty. The younger one is, the more likely to be in poverty: 20% of the US's juvenile population were living in poverty by 2009.

Let me reiterate: Dude's a wild liar.

Rick Santorum, who is definitely still in the race, is also a liar. FYI.

Finally in Primary News, President Obama is still pretty darn popular.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Photo of the Day

Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich holds a sign made by a supporter in the crowd, as he speaks at the Tampa Jet Center, on January 30, 2012, in Tampa, Florida. [Getty Images]

Is Mitt Romney the Joker in that graphic? Did he just eat a cherry lollipop? What is going on?

I like to imagine the text, with its interesting spacing and lack of punctuation, actually says: "Make no mistake, Obama. Care! Is Romney care?" An exhortation to compassion followed by a rhetorical question to which the answer is no.

Primarily Terrible

I think she's a Ron Paul supporter.
OMG y'all—are you SO EXCITED about the Florida Primary today?! I AM SO EXCITED! I can barely contain my barf!

Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are still running, but let's not even pretend that either of them has a chance of winning this primary, the Republican nomination, or Bumblefuck, Indiana's 61st Annual Chili Cook-Off. Neither Ron Paul's isolationist antiwar rhetoric nor Rick Santorum's extremist pro-rapist rhetoric have any appeal to the Republican Establishment nor to Republican primary voters, so their radical positions aren't pushing the leading candidates further left or right in their positions.

There are candidates who won't win who can still serve a purpose: Howard Dean's humanist antiwar rhetoric definitely pushed the other 2004 Democratic candidates further left on the war, because he proved there was a well of support for an antiwar position among Democratic primary voters. But neither Ron Paul nor Rick Santorum are serving this purpose. They're just making noise.

And the more noise they make, as background din to the garbage yammering of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, the more dissatisfied Republican voters get. Which is just fine by me.

Know what fits perfectly into a cavernous void of conservative enthusiasm? The second term of President Barack Obama.

Anyway! Mitt Romney is totes going to win today. Double-digit lead, etc. And even if by some unexpected twist of fart, he doesn't win today, he's still going to win the nomination. I am so sure of that I would bet fully ONE BILLION DOLLARS of Mitt Romney's personal fortune on it!

True Fact: Mitt Romney is not currently worth one billion dollars. But he will be, once his upcoming book reaches every bestseller list after the Conservative Book Club buys EVERY COPY.


In other OMG This Guy Is Your Frontrunner LOL News, Mitt Romney wishes he could claim he's Hispanic, because it would help him with Latin@ voters in Florida. Newt Gingrich says Mitt Romney hates old Jews, which is strangely not a card he played in South Carolina. Huh! He also says that Romney's campaign is "pathetic," but voters can't hear him over the seven million dollars in ads Romney has purchased in Florida.

And Mitt Romney may be pathetic (he is!), but he is also seen as "more presidential" and "more sincere" than Newt Gingrich. Which is a very low bar! But Mitt Romney has been vaulting over cracks in the sidewalk his whole life! His life of extreme privilege has been preparing him for this moment, this challenge of looking more presidential and more sincere than a disgraced congressman and world-class liar, since he was a mere twinkle in his father's balls! The trajectory of Mitt Romney's life SINCE THE MOMENT OF HIS CONCEPTION has been to arrive at this precise moment in history, where sheerly by virtue of being LESS OF A FUCKHEAD THAN NEWT GINGRICH, he can become a champion, a superstar, a future member of the Losing to Barack Obama Club!

John McCain is not only the president—he is also a member!


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

Primarily Bored

"Hurry! The bus to hell is here!"
Y'all, I am so tired of this primary. There is only so much enthusiasm that one Melissa McEwan can generate over a contest between two super privileged white dudes to determine which super privileged white dude will become the next Republican nominee in a race to see if their corporate shill can defeat the Democrats' corporate shill and accelerate the pace at which this nation will be brought to grim ruination at the avaristic hands of soulless corporations.

Social Security: Sponsored by Sprint!

You know what the worst thing about a joke like "Social Security: Sponsored by Sprint!" is...? That Sprint would never sponsor Social Security. It would just dismantle it and instead sponsor Sprint's Happy Funtime Work Camps for the Aged and Infirm!

Play in the news, Nero...

Frontrunners Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are neck-and-neck in Florida, ahead of its primary tomorrow. Or they're not, depending on who you ask. If you ask me, Romney is totally ahead and he's going to win, and then this thing should be over, but it probably won't be, because some rich weirdo is going to keep funding Gingrich's SuperPAC, and Gingrich will keep running as long as he's got money he can't spend at Tiffany's.

Reporteth the Wall Street Journal : "Gingrich Predicts 'Straight-Out Contest' for Months."

See?

And when he inevitably keeps hanging in there, lobbing round after round of criticism at Mitt Romney, hoping to defeat him, and Mitt Romney starts stomping on sour grapes to make whine about how Newt Gingrich is hurting his chances in the general election by forcing him to run a long and contentious primary contest, let us remember that is not only evidence of Mitt Romney's bratty entitlement, but of his resounding contempt for democracy.

Speaking of hostility to authentic democracy, something something Ron Paul.


Rick Santorum is one of two Catholics in this now 50% Catholic content, the other being Newt Gingrich. (Ron Paul is a Baptist, and, as you may have heard, Mitt Romney is a Mormon. President Obama, is, of course, a Muslin.) So it was a cool boost for the Catholic candidates this weekend when Catholic bishops and priests read out letters of protest at mass this weekend, vilifying the Obama administration's policy of paid birth control coverage. Neato! I continue to be thrilled that religious institutions are afforded tax exempt status!

POP QUIZ: Is it possible for a man obsessed with biparisanship to be an effective president in an age of hyper-partisanship?

If you said no, give yourself 1,000 points, redeemable at Shakesville's Bitter Irony Shop.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

Primarily Horrendo

[Content Note: This post contains discussion of disablism and of the Mormon practice of nonconsensual posthumous baptism.]


"I will keel you!"
So, the Republicans had ANOTHER DEBATE! last night, because, little known fact, standing in front of cameras with 6,000 CNN logos behind you has been found to extend life. Each of these men will live to be at least 200 years old.

Anyway! Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich like a full-tilt miffed machine, and delivered the world-class snippiness that only a wealthy white dude who's ordered chocolate chip cookies (effortlessly winning the Republican Primary) but gets served oatmeal raisin cookies (having to work for it) can produce. My favorite line of the evening was: "I spent 25 years in business. If I had a business executive come to me and say they wanted to spend a few hundred billion dollars to put a colony on the moon, I'd say, 'You're fired.' The idea that corporate America wants to go off to the moon and build a colony there, it may be a big idea but it's not a good idea." BURN!

He has a point, though. Corporate America doesn't even want to maintain the colonies here, so it doesn't seem very likely they'll want to build one on the moon.

"Inconceivably, we have even less interest in the moon than in Detroit."—Big Business.

If you want more Funtime Debate Action, Richard Adams' live coverage can be read here. It is, as usual, very enjoyable!

Back on the campaign trail, the Republican Establishment, who's decided Mitt Romney looks pretty good after all if Newt Gingrich is the only other viable option, has decided on its "Fuck Newt" strategy, and it's a doozy: Newt Gingrich is crazy.

The Romney campaign is sending out a print ad that seeks to "rais[e] doubts about Newt Gingrich's 'emotional stability'," and dog whistles cuckoo by calling him, in big block letters, ERRATIC and RECKLESS.

(The main picture of Gingrich, viewable at the link, is also cropped to make maximum hay of the fact that he is fat: "Look at the double chin on this guy!")

Elder GOP statesman and Viagra spokesboner, Bob Dole, who endorsed Romney, is doubling-down with the implications that Gingrich isn't of sound mind, releasing one of the most scathing statements against a member of one's own party I can recall. In the statement, Dole says that Gingrich's ideas as Speaker were "off the wall," and suggests Gingrich himself doesn't even understand why he does things. The statement is brutally honest about Gingrich's ethics problems, ego, and poisonous unpopularity, but there's definitely a troubling undercurrent of "bro be crazy!" running through it.

Meanwhile, on the "Fuck Romney" train, there's more natter about one of the more curious aspects of Mormonism—the practice of posthumous baptism, which is something Romney has said he's done. It's a controversial practice for several legitimate reasons, not just because it's "weird." It's an anti-Semitic practice for one, in habit if not design, as Jewish cemeteries are frequent targets for posthumous baptism, despite repeated requests by Jewish leaders to cease and desist.

I also find it really objectionable that Mitt Romney doesn't consider deeply problematic what is ultimately an issue of consent. Look, I don't believe that performing some ritual over a grave makes a blinking bit of difference in determining where some allegedly sentient soul that vacated the buried body spends its eternal retirement. But Mitt Romney does. He believes that person went into the ground with one belief, and he can change their infinite destiny for them. And he believes he has the right to do that. Which is pretty fucked up.

And it doesn't leave me with a whole lot of confidence that a President Mitt Romney would be very sensitive to other issues of consent that matter in the here and now.

That's something worth asking about. But won't be, because we live in a rape culture, where hostility to consent is the norm.

Also because how could they possibly make room for a question on such a SILLY TOPIC, ha ha, when there are only like 3,000 debates left?!

Moving on...

Something something Ron Paul.

Rick Santorum is still hanging in there, I guess because he believes he actually has a shot at becoming either the nominee and/or the nominee's veep choice? Oof, Rick Santorum. You do not have a shot at either of these things.

In totally unrelated news, ahem, a new study has found that "there is reason to believe that strict right-wing ideology might appeal to those who have trouble grasping the complexity of the world." Huh. Shocking.

In all seriousness, the study was examining correlation between IQ and prejudice, suggesting conservatism and prejudice is an innate intelligence issue. But we should all know by now that IQ tests don't meaningfully measure any kind of comprehensive intelligence. The issue underlying the appeal of right-wing ideology is intellectual curiosity, or the lack thereof, which is really not contingent on what's measured with IQ tests.

There are subcultures that actively discourage intellectual curiosity, by demonizing science, by romanticizing segregationist small-town life, by sneering at people perceived to be elite or over-educated, by framing education as the enemy of faith, by embracing isolationism. Even rape culture narratives are embedded with disincentives against adventure: Don't leave the safety of your home, neighborhood, town, county, state, nation because there are nefarious strangers waiting to get you! And for god's sake don't use the internet!

All of these things conspire to create a mind seized with fear, afraid to be curious. Curiosity is necessary for empathy, and empathy necessary for progressive positions.

Conservatives are not unintelligent by nature; they're incurious by design.

That's an important distinction.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]

Primarily Awful

Bert Shadowen of Port St. Lucie, Florida holds an American flag as he listens to remarks by Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum at a Treasure Coast Tea Party campaign rally in Stuart, Florida, January 24, 2012. [Reuters Pictures]

Awwwwwwwwwwwww LOL! How can we turn that frown upside-down, Mr. Shadowen? By electing Rick Santorum? Well, that's probably not going to happen. How about I get you a tin of peanuts and a nice cold soda?

That picture reminds me of this biology teacher I had in high school, Mr. Looft, who had the reputation of being a total humorless hard-ass. He was suuuuuuuuper grumpy, and he never smiled, and he always held his wiry body very rigidly under his ratty old lab coat. For some reason, my best friend and I suspected he was actually a very witty and fun-loving guy underneath that seemingly impenetrable exterior, and we undertook the challenge of unearthing his wild side.

We called him Loofty. We teased him good-naturedly about how grumpy he was. We screeched and hollered with delight when he'd do something that previous classes had received as evidence of his hardness—like the time a fish was floating belly-up in his classroom tank, and he responded to reports of its death from proximate students by marching to the tank like a drill sergeant, pulling up the sleeve of his lab coat, sticking his arm elbow-deep into the tank, and stirring so hard the fish began to swim again. "Fish ain't dead; just being lazy," he said, marching back to the front of the class. We told him he was a superhero.

One day, he came to class wearing, instead of his ancient, tattered, fatigues-green lab coat, a bright, crisp, new white lab coat. "Loofy, looking FOXY!" I said. C and I made exaggerative "sexy" gestures, hands against our foreheads as we pretended to faint, licking our index fingers and sizzling them against our butts. Loofty stopped in his tracks and looked us with his usual look of consternation, bewilderment, and disdain. I thought, for a moment, we might actually get in trouble this time. And then his face broke into a huge blushing grin, and he laughed and laughed and laughed.

He was secretly a fun dude. And also a great teacher. Loved that guy.

Anyway! To the candidates!

Heading into the Florida primary next week, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are now virtually tied, although we've got ANOTHER DEBATE! to look forward to, which is another chance for Gingrich to distinguish himself as not-a-Mormon. What will happen in Florida?! Will it be the super rich and super privileged white guy, or the OTHER super rich and super privileged white guy? IT'S A REAL NAIL-BITER!

Gingrich thinks he can win by channeling Ronald Reagan. Romney, who everyone definitely hates, thinks he can win by not being Newt Gingrich. Good strategies, both.

Money Talk! Romney brazenly bullshits about paying a "45 or 50 percent" tax rate. Okay, player. Gingrich's SuperPAC is being bankrolled by a billionaire Las Vegas casino tycoon. I know what you're thinking—that cannot be healthy for democracy! But just think of it like this: Money is free speech, and that guy can really bellow.

Is Ron Paul even campaigning anymore? Where is he? Somebody look inside his debate jacket—I think he might have gotten lost in there.

Rick Santorum's campaign strategy continues to be positioning himself as the grossest asshole on the planet, defending TSA profiling and accusing "the left" of indoctrinating people at universities. (Hey, it's not our fault that education tends to make people more progressive, dude.) These are two of the least offensive things he's said in ages. You're really losing your horrible, horrible edge, Rick Santorum!

In other news, Jeb Bush has some hot advice about how Republicans "can win Hispanics back." Here's my hot advice: Start with not using immigrants as a political football in gross campaign ads.

Meanwhile, Fidel Castro called this Republican primary "he greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been." LOL! I guess "Work It" didn't air in Cuba.

Finally! According to the new NBC/WSJ poll: "Americans are growing more optimistic about the state of the economy and direction of the country...and President Obama is receiving better grades on his handling of the economy and job as a result." Too bad, Republicans! Looks like you just didn't ruin the country ENOUGH to beat this guy!

Sad trombones all around, I'm sure.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Quote of the Day

"By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American."—Newt Gingrich, dreamer.

The permanent base on the moon is more likely than a two-term Newt Gingrich presidency.

Photo of the Day

Lynn Coffin holds boxing hand puppets of Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and Republican presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney during a campaign event at Dolphin Aviation on January 24, 2012 in Sarasota, Florida. [Getty Images]

Ha ha sure.

Primarily Terrible

People wait to listen to Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich speak during a campaign event at Dolphin Aviation on January 24, 2012 in Sarasota, Florida. [Getty Images]

What, no Jesus? Obviously these people aren't Real Americans.

The Big News today is, of course, that President Barack Obama has started campaigning in earnest. But there's still some dribbly tidbits from the race to find out who will be losing to him later this year...

Frontrunner Newt Gingrich is now leading nationally, which means it's time to amplify the fuckitude! (True Fact: That is also what I shout when my Journey cover band, Tim Geitner Is Stoked, takes the stage.) Expect lots and lots of racism, everywhere he goes, along the lines of this uncovered gem during his time as Speaker: "For poor minorities, entrepreneurship in small business is the key to future wealth. This is understood thoroughly by most of the Asians, partially by Latinos, and to a tragically small degree by much of the American black community."

Newt Gingrich draws such pretty pictures of people who are different from him. I love his monolithographs.

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. *sadface*

Mitt Romney is, perhaps you've heard, very rich. Tax returns, tithing to the Mormon Church, multiple homes. I don't know how a Republican primary got to be about how one rich asshole among a field of rich assholes is SUCH A RICH ASSHOLE, but there you go. I guess that's what happens when it's considered inappropriate to say, "Ew—he's a MORMON!" as if Mormonism is SO GRODY, even though it's no weirder than any other religion but is somehow considered by most other religious people to be unacceptably weird.

In related Romney news, the detestable Jay Leno is being sued after making a Mitt Romney joke, because he took (yet another) swipe at Sikhs in the process, reminding us once again that he is being paid millions of dollars a year to be a gross schoolyard bully.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, know what Ron Paul and Barack Obama have in common? Neither of them gives a flying flunderton about limits on reproductive rights when they say words like "freedom."

I'm sure there is some very scintillating news about Rick Santorum in the world. I bet he's out there ruining sock garters and bowler hats for everyone, just like he's giving sweater vests a bad name. TEAM SWEATER VEST!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

LOL!

So now Newt Gingrich is a free speech crusader because the big meanie liberal media won't let him reap the benefits of his cheap applause lines.

Hilarious.

Always with the principles, this one.

In related news, I see Newt's bringing back "Language: A Key Mechanism of Control." Good times. It's like the '90s all over again!

Someone get me Ace of Base's "I Saw the Sign" on that jukebox—STAT!

Primarily Horrendo

I know how you feel, brother.
So, the Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse had another debate last night, because "debates" where a bunch of dudes with essentially the same policies stand behind star-spangled podiums screaming nonsense at each other is very good for democracy or whatever. I didn't watch it, because who fucking cares. But my pal Richard Adams has a great play-by-play here, if you want to feel like you were there, in the company of a witty Englishman.

Otherwise, here's my Executive Summary: Taxes, disgrace, Freddie Mac, lobbying, K Street, taxes, Ronald Reagan, Pope John Paul II, Margaret Thatcher, hey remember the 80s?!, Terry Schiavo (whut), taxes, Jesus, amen.

Everyone was on the attack against frontrunner (again) Newt Gingrich, which really forced Gingrich into doing what he does best: Shamelessly lying with a contemptuous sneer that effectively reads to dildobrainz who don't pay attention to facts that he is being honest, because who would lie that brazenly? (Newt Gingrich, that's who!) It's that utter confidence in the uninformed voter and irresponsible media that makes Gingrich dangerous. He's Teflon, baby.

And he's now leading in Florida, site of the next primary.

Meanwhile, every establishment Republican who's been whining incessantly about the likelihood of Mitt Romney getting the nomination is now shitting their sensible trousers at the possibility of a Gingrich candidacy. Whooooooooooooops we never thought THAT would happen!

To that end, Russ Douthat, still inexplicably being given page-space by the New York Times, is Calling Mitch Daniels. Ha ha you can have him! Take my governor—please!

Not for nothing, but the reason that "various capable Republicans [have decided] to forgo a presidential run this year" is because there's no point to running against President Obama, unless you're a Rick Santorum who thinks blastocysts are more important than the national economy or a Ron Paul who thinks US foreign policy is a garbage disaster (it is!) and imagine you can single-handedly reverse sixty years of industrial-military momentum in creating a perpetual war machine.

If you're just some douche in a suit who only cares about social issues insofar as they can be used as wedge issues to elicit votes from bigots and rubes, and your primary concerns are corporate cockwanking, privatization, and decimating the social safety net via austerity policy, you could hardly do better than Barack Obama.

Sure, he's no Newt Gingrich—he's more Bob Dole; Republican retro!—but giving him eight years to move the Democrats' economic platform even further to the right only accelerates the corporatocratic coup Big Business has been engineering with Republicans' assistance for the last forty years. So, why would any self-respecting Mitch Daniels or Jeb Bush run in this election and risk losing for no good reason?

And that, my friends, is why the Republican field now currently consists of a Santorum, a Ron Paul, and two egomaniacal opportunists who will do and say anything to get elected, including telling the absurd lie that President Barack Obama is a radical socialist lefty—a deceit so incredibly, laughably mendacious that Mitch Daniels and Jeb Bush couldn't even choke it out of their throats with a straight face.

In other news, blah blah Mitt Romney's taxes, Rick Santorum is still a jackass, SuperPACs are such a great idea and Newt Gingrich's is about to get a $5 million donation from one person, and something something Ron Paul.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Awful

WOWEE WOW! Are you all still hungover from celebrating Newt Gingrich's big win in South Carolina this weekend?! What an upset! He really turned things around with that fiery debate performance last week, during which he attracted the support of the Moral Values brigade by getting indignant at being questioned about his lack of moral values. COOL! So cool, you Republican voters!

It's really neat how Newt Gingrich first won the hearts of the nation's conservatives by attacking President Bill Clinton over an affair, and now he wins their hearts again by acting like such attacks are vile & outrageous! Wowwwwww!


I also love how the professional lobbyist and highly-compensated corporate shill with multiple lines of credit at Tiffany's has managed to convince poor working people that he's definitely the candidate everyone wants to have two fingers of 50-Year Chivas Regal Royal Salute with.

"I just really think Newt cares about the common man. It's like he gets me, you know? I feel like he wants to open his marriage...for ME!"—Some South Carolina primary voter, probably.

If Newt's win teaches us anything, besides how suddenly close we are to having a president who shares his name with an amphibian, it's that the most important attribute for any GOP candidate is still abject shamelessness.

Also: Endorsements from Chuck Norris help for sure!

Mitt Romney, who did not expect this egregious insult on his way to losing to President Obama, is undoubtedly very upset today, because he can't tell if he lost mostly because Newt Gingrich is a race-baiting fuckhead who's still using the Southern Strategy to winning effect, or because he's a Mormon. He's definitely sure it has something to do with Republican primary voters being bigots, but obviously it's important to know which kind, so he can decide whether to amp up the race-baiting or convert to Southern Bapmethodluthercostalism.

In other news, Romney has decided to copy Newt Gingrich's well-known strategy of expressing contempt for democracy by telling protestors at a rally to "take a hike."

At one point during his outdoor rally at a building supply company, Romney was interrupted by protesters chanting, "We are the people." He quickly dismissed them.

"No, actually, these are the people," Romney shouted back. "These are the people; you're the interrupters. We believe in the Constitution. We believe in the right to speech. And you believe in interrupting. Take a hike."

"I believe in free speech so SHUT UP!" Ha ha, smooth move, Ex-Lax.

So, for those of you keeping score: Corporations are people, but dissenters aren't. And corporate donations are speech, but interrupting isn't. All righty then.

Something something Ron Paul. Go to hell, Ron Paul.

Speaking of hell! [Content Note: Homophobia.] Rick Santorum sure is BFFs with some world-class homophobes! Check out this full-tilt fuckneck, who says that homosexuality is the "paramount of sins" (which must be why Jesus talked about it ALL THE NEVER) and is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit." LOL!

True Fact: Hailstorms are God vomiting after watching gay porn. I bet you thought it was angels pooping, but you're wrong.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Primarily Stupid

So, the Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse had another debate last night, I'm not sure on what channel, and I didn't watch it because who fucking cares. I did watch some fun highlights this morning on the news, though! That and Google can make you an expert on anything—true fact! Here is my Executive Summary: Taxes, bootstraps, Jesus, Ronald Reagan, America, grandiosity, taxes, amen.

The "show-stopper" from last night's debate was Newt Gingrich's response when moderator John King asked him about the interview his ex-wife just gave to ABC News:

King: As you know, your ex-wife gave an interview to ABC News, and another interview at the Washington Post, and this story has now gone viral on the internet. In it, she says you came to her in 1999, at a time when you were having an affair; she says you asked her, sir, to enter into an open marriage. Would you like to take some time to respond to that?

Gingrich: No, but I will. [wild cheers and applause from the audience] I think, I think the destructive, vicious, negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for office. And I am APPALLED that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that. [more wild cheers and applause; standing ovation]

He then goes on to say a bunch of garbage about how interviewing his ex-wife two days before a primary is "as close to despicable as anything I can imagine." Ha ha okay, player. Let us not lose sight of the fact that this is the same dude who reportedly delivered divorce papers to one ex-wife while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery and said ex-wife after she was diagnosed with MS. Newt Gingrich, I think you can PROBABLY imagine something closer to despicable, if you REALLY try.

Anyway! On the one hand, Gingrich has a point about asking a presidential candidate about private, consensual sexual behavior. On the other hand, this is the guy who led the impeachment charge against President Bill Clinton over a consensual blowjob. So if Newt Gingrich really doesn't like that his sexual peccadilloes are being brought up during a presidential primary debate, he quite literally doesn't have anyone to blame but himself.

Moving on...

Something something Ron Paul. Can you tell that I'm so over this guy? I'm so over this guy. I know that he and I share some pretty important views about foreign policy and the drug war, though we certainly stumbled to them from different directions, but I just don't give a fuck. He doesn't believe people with uteri should have bodily autonomy, he doesn't believe same-sex couples should be allowed equal rights, he doesn't believe the government should provide necessary institutional support to people with disabilities, he doesn't appear to believe that people of color are his equal, and he does appear to believe that poor people deserve their lot. He seemingly lacks the ability to empathize with anyone who is meaningfully different from himself, and that is not an acceptable characteristic for someone who wants to be the president of a diverse democracy.

Rick Santorum is still a sweater-vested bigot.

Mitt Romney offered an awesome retort to someone who asks him: "What will you do to support the 99% seeing as how you are part of the 1%?"

Romney, turning on the questioner with an ugly expression: Let me tell you something: America is a great nation, because we're a united nation, and those who are trying to divide the nation, like you're trying to do here and as our president's doing, are hurting this country seriously. The right course for America is not to divide Americans, and trying to divide us between one and other, is to come together as one as a nation. And if you've got a better model, if you think China's better, or Russia's better, or Cuba's better, or North Korea's better, I'd be glad to hear all about it! But [inaudible] America's right and you're wrong!

Great answer! Anyone who thinks the cavernous disparity between the wealthiest 1% of USians and alllllllll the rest of us is a problem, is a STINKIN' COMMIE! Ha ha perfect. Willard, you are a genius.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.