Number of the Day

$40 million: The domestic gross made by Bridesmaids just through "digital platforms including internet video on demand (VOD), pay-per-view, hotel viewings, and electronic-sell-through transactions," making it the most ordered VOD title of all time.

VOD hasn't been around that long, of course, which cuts both ways: It's the most popular VOD film of all time in what is a relatively new medium, but it just made forty million freaking dollars in a relatively new medium.

Which is to say nothing of the gerjillion dollars it made while in theaters.

Note to the Film Industry: Women are funny. Women want to see other women being funny. Men want to see women being funny, too. Women can carry movies. WOMEN CAN MAKE YOU MONEY. Lots of it.

Atlas Shrugged Part 2 Teaser Trailer!

Video paraphrase: Static. Talking heads. Hannity. "Ayn Rand." Static. Spooky music. Dennis Miller. "Ayn Rand." Static. Phil Donahue. Spooky music. Ayn Rand: "Destroy the welfare state." Static. "II 2012" Static.

From a press release:

Atlas Productions, LLC announced today that “Atlas Shrugged Part 2”, the second installment of the Atlas Shrugged movie trilogy, has been officially greenlit with principal photography to begin this coming April in Los Angeles, Colorado, and New York.

Woo hoo!

Today in Kyriarchetypes

In case you'd forgotten (ha ha how could you even if you wanted to?), Hollywood is steeped in white privilege. And thin privilege. Also sexual objectification. And Photoshop. Plus other things that are in various ways Not Good!

The cover of Vanity Fair's 2012 Hollywood issue:


[Click to embiggen.]
I will just quickly note, once again, in spite of its being an unceasingly vomitous font of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, ablism, fat hatred, rape jokes, violence, bullying, and other sundry bigotries and hostilities, Hollywood (meaning the entertainment industry, not the town) is nonetheless yet regarded as a bastion of liberalism.

It's funny how much "Hollywood liberal elitism" looks like an Ayn Rand wank-fantasy.

News from Shakes Manor

This weekend, while Kenny Blogginz was over and we were looking for a suitably terrible film for all of us to enjoy, Iain was scrolling through Netflix and put on a mystery film while I was out of the room, which I was to identify upon my return.

Within 10 seconds, I'd guessed it was a Nicolas Cage film.

Iain and KBlogz were impressed. "How'd you get it so fast?!" Iain exclaimed.

I shrugged. "Basic math: Jewel-encrusted book + fingerless gloves."


"She's a black magic woman!"

Film Corner! Moses Time

Hey, remember when I wrote about all those Bible-inspired movies that various Hollywood muckety-mucks had in their pipelines of totally unoriginal material that definitely needs to be put on the big screen...? Well, GOOD NEWS: Steven Spielberg is closing in on a commitment to direct an epic about Moses for Warner Bros.

With a working title of Gods And Kings, what's envisioned is "a movie like a Braveheart-ish version of the Moses story," an insider tells us. "Him coming down the river, being adopted, leaving his home, forming an army, and getting the Ten Commandments." ... But this film is as far from a remake of the Cecile B. DeMille-directed epic as you can get even though they cover similar ground. Instead Warner Bros wants Spielberg to direct it with the gritty reality of Saving Private Ryan, which is considered a masterpiece redefining battle movies. "There have been glossy versions of the Moses story but this would be a real warrior story," an insider tells us.

Perfect.

The only question now is who should play this Braveheart-like Moses. Can't be Mel Gibson, since he's busy making his movie about the story of Hanukkah. Oh, and also, he's a raging anti-Semite!

In the well-established tradition of casting the whitest white man who ever whited to play any Biblical character, I'm going to predict Sir Sam Worthington to be cast as Moses.

Fantasy Casting: Jeff Goldblum.

The Oscars Thread

Melissa McCarthy, in Bridesmaids.
So, the Oscar nominations were announced this morning, and, in Good News, the amazing Melissa McCarthy was nominated for her supporting role in Bridesmaids, and, in Bad News, "Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill" is now a Real Thing in the World. Whooooooooops!

The full list of nominations is here. Insert my standard annual commentary about the dearth of female and non-white directors and writers.

The two black women nominated, Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis, were both nominated for playing maids in The Help. I trust I don't need to explain why that is A Problem.

(Note: Bérénice Bejo, who was also nominated for a supporting role, is Argentinian, but I do not know if she identifies as a woman of color.)

The only man of color nominated in either acting category appears to be Demián Bichir, who is Latino.

Luckily, both George Clooney AND Brad Pitt are nominated for Best Actor, so I'm sure there will be PLENTY OF PRANKS at the Oscars!

Discuss.

I Mean, Some Things in This World Are Just Perfect

Please enjoy this picture of Steve Carell as "Burt Wonderstone," an old-school Las Vegas magician who has an existential crisis when he breaks up with "his longtime stage partner [and has to fight] for relevance when a new, 'hip' street magician appears on the scene."


[Click to embiggen.]
The movie, coming out next year, will probably be horrible, but the moment I laid eyes on that picture will remain in my heart forever.

Film Corner!

Last March, I shared the exciting news that New Line was rebooting the beloved boobies-and-crotch-injuries standard-bearer Police Academy franchise. I'm sure many of you, like me, were beginning to worry that this magnificent cinematic revival was never going to happen, but FEAR NOT! The project now has a director:

New Line Cinema has set Scott Zabielski to direct Police Academy, its remake of the long-running film series that started at Warner Bros in 1984 and spanned seven films. ... Zabielski is making his feature directing debut after directing several seasons of episodes of the hit Comedy Central show Tosh.O.

PERFECT.

Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for the upcoming HBO film Game Change, about John McCain's fateful decision (lulz) to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.


Ominous string music. Shots of crowds cheering for Obama. A dude says in voiceover: "Obama just changed the entire dynamic." String music. Text onscreen: The 2008 Election. Woody Harrelson says: "It is a change year, sir. We need to create a dynamic moment in this campaign." Cut to Ed Harris as John McCain looking concerned. (Did you find Ed Harris attractive? Well, you don't anymore!) Text onscreen: A Time for Change. String music. Harrelson says: "Or we're dead."

Harris is at the Republican convention, smiling. Text onscreen: From the Writer & Director of Recount. Harris is at the convention, grimacing. A news broadcast reports that McCain is "reshuffling his most senior campaign staff." Text onscreen: Julianne Moore. A lady's high heel-clad foot steps out of a limo. That grizzly mom silhouette sure looks familiar as the lady walks into the convention...!

Harrlson says: "We desperately need a game-changing pick." Text onscreen: Woody Harrelson. "None of these middle-aged white guys are game-changers." Harrlson watches a room stand and applaud for the lady who is still seen just from behind. Darn it all, I know I've seen that hockey mom up-do somewhere before...!

Text onscreen: Ed Harris. Ed Harris as John McCain (oh Maude that is disturbing!) says: "So find me a woman." DUNH-DUNH.

The ominous music bottoms out, as it is revealed that John McCain, political genius, super-maverick, and definitely not an opportunistic fucko, has made the SHOCKING decision to cynically ask A FEMALE HUMAN BEING to be his running mate, in order to compete with the historic candidacy of Barack Obama.

Cut to people chanting "Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!" at the Republican convention as the mystery lady walks onstage. At long last, we see the face of Julianne Moore as Tina Fey: "I will be honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States." Cheers and applause. Yay!!! Nothing can go wrong now! From here, it's straight to the White House!

Text onscreen: From the Bestselling Book Game Change. Coming in March to an HBO near you.

HOBBIT TRAILER!!!

Old Bilbo (Ian Holm) says in voiceover: [scenes of Hobbiton] My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. [scene of Old Bilbo at his writing desk] While I can honestly say I have told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it.

Cut to Gandalf (Ian McKellan) talking to Young Bilbo, played by Martin Freeman (!!!YAY!!! I AM STILL SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS CASTING! !!!YAY!!!): Bilbo Baggins, I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.

Bilbo in voiceover: [scenes of Bilbo doing Hobbity things] I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag End!

Cut to Gandolf showing up at Bilbo's front door to make introductions of the company of dwarves, ending with Thorin. (THORIN!!!)

Singing: Misty Mountains. OMG SQUEE!!! Caverns old. HOLY SHIT!!!

As the dwarves chant, we get montagery: Gandalf looking anxious, Bilbo finding Sting, Gandalf talking to Galadriel, caverns, rocks, a journey, pipes. Thorin tells Gandalf: "I cannot guarantee his safety, nor will I be responsible for his fate." Mountains, journey, swelling music, horses, suspenders, fights. Gandalf tells Bilbo he cannot promise that he'll come back. "And if you do, you will not be the same."

The One Ring. It's in Gollum's cave. "My name is Bilbo Baggins," says Bilbo. "Bagginses," hisses Gollum. "What is a Bagginses, precioussssssss?"

Coming to a theater near you in ONE YEAR!

[Via Peter Jackson.]

Film Corner!

Below, the trailer for Jack the Giant Killer, which is not a movie about a dude named Jack of enormous proportions who kills people, but a dude named Jack who kills giants. Or a giant. Many giants? At least one giant.

Here is the movie's synopsis, which should help with this whole conundrum: "Jack the Giant Killer tells the story of an ancient war that is reignited when a young farmhand unwittingly opens a gateway between our world and a fearsome race of giants. Unleashed on the Earth for the first time in centuries, the giants strive to reclaim the land they once lost, forcing the young man, Jack, into the battle of his life to stop them. Fighting for a kingdom, its people, and the love of a brave princess, he comes face to face with the unstoppable warriors he thought only existed in legend—and gets the chance to become a legend himself."

Hmm, that didn't really help at all, in terms of determining how many giants are actually murdered at the hand of this young farmboy. ("As you wish!") Well, whatever. What's important is that we definitely know this is based on a classic Western hemisphere fable (that was probably ripped off from some classic Eastern hemisphere fable), which means that it stars lots and lots of white men, which is the important thing, obviously.


Nicholas Hoult, who is definitely 22 now, I checked Wikipedia and everything, has turned into a very attractive man after being a very awkward little dude in About a Boy. In his short career, he has been in a lot of movies I like and/or like a lot—About a Boy, A Single Man, Clash of the Titans, X-Men: First Class—and I will probably like this movie, too, even though I'm totally going to make fun of this trailer.

Anyway! Nicholas Hoult is handsome and he is a farmhand named Jack. There is Ominous Music. He is given a handful of beans, which are, according to an urgently whispering fellow with monk-hair, "holy relics from a very special place far, far away." Ha ha sure they are. "They are born of dark magic." Holy AND magical, you say? Why, these ARE special beans. "They have the power to change the world as we know it." By revealing that god is a wizard? "Don't lose them." KEEP THEM SECRET! KEEP THEM SAFE! THEY ARE THE ONE BEANS! "Whatever you do, don't get them wet." Uh-oh! I already put them in the toilet!

Ominous Music gets ominouser. There's a rainstorm. A princess with boobs walks down a castle hall. Them beans is getting wet, yo. A cat meows. Someone says in voiceover, "Once darkness gets a taste for light, it will not stop." Stop what? Eating light? Do these giants eat lightbulbs? Is this an allegory about energy conservation? Hmm, maybe not, since a giant and evil green plant (I bet it's a beanstalk!) just crashed through the floor of Jack's garbage hovel. Maybe this is an allegory about how stupid nature is. It's like Al Gore and Ayn Rand are having a capoeira fight on top of a moving train in my head.

The king wants to know where the princess is, Jack. Jack looks up the beanstalk. I guess she's up there? What was the princess doing in his shitshack? Never mind that. SOMETHING GIANT IS COMING! What is it?! Oh, it's a giant. And the giant has grabbed the princess. Horses. Run! Unsheathe your swords and get ready to fight! Flaming trees over the castle wall. Damn, you really don't want to fight giants. This is why we told you not to get those magui beans wet, son!

Rain. Running. Grabby giant! Swarthy giant eyeball. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

Jack the Giant Killer, coming to a theater near you in June 2012, just about the time we'll be looking for anything to lift our spirits and distract our minds from contemplating the possibility that Newt Gingrich could be our next president.

Whoooooooops Your Kyriarchal Assumptions

Actress Gabourey Sidibe arrives for the premiere of the film "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" in New York, December 15, 2011. [Reuters Pictures]

Earlier today, I saw this picture of Gabby Sidibe on the red carpet last night, looking gorgeous as always, and I was reminded of a popular media meme about Sidibe when she was nominated for an Oscar for her breakthrough performance in Precious. It was said in a lot of different ways, by a lot of different reviewers, reporters, and assorted film industry experts, some of whom were more circumspect and some of whom were more blunt, but the gist was always that Sidibe would not—could not—have a sustainable career, because she is fat, because she is a fat woman, because she is a fat woman of color, because she is a fat woman of color with very dark skin, because she is a fat woman of color with very dark skin who played a survivor of sexual violence in her career-launching role.

Since then, Sidibe has starred in Victoria Mahoney's Yelling to the Sky, had a major supporting role in a cable series (Showtime's The Big C), done voice work on two different animated series, played a key supporting role in the recently-released Brett Ratner film Tower Heist, and is currently filming Martin McDonagh's Seven Psychopaths, which has an A-list cast.

Not too shabby. I imagine there are a lot of actors who would be thrilled to have such a non-career.

I would say that I'm looking forward to reading all the follow-up pieces in which the Very Important Knowledgeable Prognosticators of the Entertainment Industry admit that perhaps they were a little quick to judge, to mistake the prejudiced habits of the film industry with some immutable truth about its nature. I would say that except ha ha I'm not stupid and it will never happen.

I hope Gabby Sidibe keeps getting opportunities, and that her career is exactly as long as she wants it to be.

Question of the Day

We've done this before, but this is always a good one to vent about: What film trope needs to go away forever?

[TW] The groin trauma/speaking or singing in a very high voice thing needs to be put to rest and never spoken of again. It's so ancient it farts dust, and it's never, ever funny.