Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Guest judge Jimmy (A Unicorn) found your bouillabaisse to be chalky!
Bev returned from the dead, like a Top Chef zombie and everyone stumbled around the pantry and the whole show is just beyond ridiculous now. Speaking of zombies, Bill Hinzman who played an iconic walker (ha!) in Night Of The Living Dead died. Also speaking of which, The Walking Dead returns this weekend. Dust off your zombie shoes, everyone!

Project Runway All-Stars: Open Thread

(Spoilers are making it work herein.)

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

Guest judges Robocop and Jimmy (A Unicorn) do not like your donuts!
Top Chef is an American reality competition show that airs on the cable television network Bravo, in which chefs compete against each other in culinary challenges. They are judged by a panel of professional chefs and other notables from the food and wine industry with one or more contestants eliminated in each episode. The show is produced by Magical Elves Productions, the same company that created Project Runway.

News I Don't Want to Write About

Here is the news I don't want to write about today!

There is the interview with Marianne Gingrich, ex-wife of Newt Gingrich, which I did mention in today's Primarily Speaking piece, but is VERY BIG NEWS all over the internetz, where many people are fervently discussing how Newt is a marriage hypocrite for wanting an "open marriage," even though, as others have noted, retroactively asking permission to fuck someone on the side after you've been fucking them on the side for years isn't technically asking for an open marriage as much as it is asking the horse to go back in the barn and please kindly close the barn door after itself.

So, yeah, this is VERY BIG NEWS today, oh boy, but I don't personally feel like there's anything smart or interesting I can say about it, because this is how it looks inside my brain:

Marianne Gingrich: My ex-husband is a garbage nightmare with rotten walnuts where his decency should be.

Me: No doy.

In related news I don't want to write about, Rick Perry—who definitely dropped out today and I hope you are not too sad!—is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Great. Who cares.

There is various news about the wreck of the Costa Concordia cruise liner, including the captain's claim that "he was unable to lead the evacuation because he slipped and tripped into a lifeboat while helping passengers leave the stricken vessel." This whole situation makes me sad and infuriated. I hate the news coverage, I hate most of the responses I'm reading to what happened, and I hate that it happened at all.

There is the news that President Obama has "rejected a bid to expand the controversial Keystone oil sands pipeline." I only don't want to write about this news because I frankly don't know enough about it. It's good news, though, I think? You tell me!

There is this gross article in Slate, about whether small boobs are making a comeback. Ha ha. This is an especially fun conversation for a fat lady with giant boobs, because the "big boobs" that were supposedly more fashionable than small boobs are not actually "big" (but "medium") on any boob spectrum that encompasses a truly representative breadth of natural (and/or unnatural) diversity. It's just that he's writing about "sexy boobs," not the unacceptably large and always unfashionable boobs like I've got.

"Eww!"—Dudes who say they love big natural boobs, when they actually see big natural boobs.

There is the hawt news that my nightmare of a governor Mitch Daniels will deliver the Republican response to the President's upcoming State of the Union address. I'm so happy for you! It's so not fair that we Hoosiers get him all to ourselves! Now you can enjoy him, too! (P.S. Watch the veep slot!)

And finally, there is the report that American Idol is getting terrible ratings. Huh. Well, maybe it's the fact that the once-unique(ish) show now has a billion competitors, or maybe it's Steven Tyler being a lecherous creepazoid, or maybe it's the fact that "America" decided to draw the line under Scotty McCreery, because Jumps Sharko.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

"Hi there!"
Pop Rocks? Was there something about Pop Rocks? Is this Chopped now? Are Ted Allen and Aarón Sanchez and a gallon of Cacique and leeks and pig's feet in a pic-a-nic basket gonna show up next week? This show. I swear!

Spoilers below. Discuss!

Sad Trombones For Everyone

I'm sure you'll all be devastated to hear that ABC's garbage nightmare sitcom "Work It" has been cancelled.

The network has pulled the critically panned cross-dressing comedy -- a project only ABC Entertainment president Paul Lee seemed to love -- after two episodes.

...Lee has been an advocate for the show from the start, telling reporters last summer at TCA that, "I'm a Brit, I have to do a cross-dressing show every year. I grew up with Monty Python. What can I do?"

You can STFU, for a start.

In good news: "Repeats of Tim Allen's freshman comedy 'Last Man Standing' will air in its place beginning Tuesday at 8:30 p.m." Huzzah!

Project Runway All-Stars: Open Thread

(Spoilers are making it work herein.)

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

The cast of Top Chef: Texas enjoy the bounty that is the Top Chef: Texas/Amarillo YMCA Rec Center pantry. Get cookin', cheffies!
Restaurant wars! Why is everything on TV wars this, wars that now? Cupcake Wars? Storage Wars? Lobster Wars? Swamp Wars? Border Wars? Shipping Wars? Enough, Hollywood Brain Trust, this is just getting silly.

Spoilers below. Discuss!

(See also.)

Working My Last Nerve

[Content Note: This post contains a discussion of ABC's new sitcom "Work It," which is profoundly misogynist, transphobic, racist, and classist, and also uses rape jokes.]

Last month, Eastsidekate wrote about a new sitcom coming to ABC called "Work It," about, in Kate's words, "dudes who pretend to be chicks so they can get a job, because that's totally how things work in the world."

"Work It" premiered this week, to rave reviews. And by "rave reviews," I mean Deeky and me ranting and raving about what an absolute fuckshite garbage nightmare disaster it is.

LAST NIGHT:

Deeky: I am watching "Work It."

Liss: I am watching a re-run of "Big Bang Theory."

Deeky: Holy fucking god! This is soooo terrible! You MUST watch it! Really. Watch it before it disappears down the memory hole. It's fucking amazing.

Liss: LOL! Okay. I'll put it on when this is over.

Deeky: It is just soooooooo fucking misogynist. Who thinks women behave like that?

Liss: Is it OnDemand?

Deeky: Yes. That's how I'm watching it.

Liss: Ah, found it. Starting it now…

Deeky: Enjoy!

Liss: Thirty seconds in and there's a rape joke. Awesome. "Stop comparing prostate exams to the pinball scene in The Accused." Wow.

Deeky: I know, right?!

Liss: Mancession. Oh dear.

Deeky: LOL!

Liss: "When the women take over, they'll just keep a few men as sex slaves."

Deeky: For cuddling and kissing and talking.

Liss: Not talking. Listening. Even worse!

Deeky: LOL!

Liss: "I'll just go out with my friends and wake you up for sex later." OMG.

Deeky: Oh god. Then how he says "you seem mad"?

Liss: This is so misogynistic.

Deeky: I don't think I've seen such a misogynistic TV show ever.

Liss: I don't think I have, either. And it's so transphobic. Like, it manages to make fun of trans women by playing on the dude-in-the-dress stereotypes (and have you seen the poster for the show? it straight-up plays on trans bathroom panic) while simultaneously disappearing trans people and their experiences by having every woman just axiomatically receive these guys as cis women.

Deeky: Totes. And I refuse to believe that there are people who think women actually behave like this! "All women are saintly wives, annoying dipshits, or sinister cunts. That's the whole spectrum of womanhood for ya!" Who thinks that?!

Liss: And who is this show for?! Men who hate women but love men who dress up like women to get one over on women? Women who hate women and love men who trick women? Men who hate men and love watching shows that make men look like complete fuckos? Who is the audience for this show? WHAT IS GOING ON.

Deeky: I know. And who are we supposed to be rooting for? Everyone on this show is terrible!

Liss: Very terrible and very stupid.

Deeky: Did you like the scene where the boss-lady, who only hires women like the law totally says you're allowed to do, tells the man in the dress that "she's" the smartest person she's interviewed?

Liss: Uh-huh. And all the other (actual) women are stupid. It's like this show is an MRA wank-fantasy of anti-feminism, but all the female solidarity on the show is inexplicably built on hatred of other women? Whut.

Deeky: It's a mess.

Liss: The only thing that is clear is that this show is the worst.

Deeky: LOL!

Liss: And now for the racism: "I'm Puerto Rican—I'd be great at selling drugs."

Deeky: LOL! Yup!

Liss: Plus I love how it's "shameful" to be employed at a fast food place.

Deeky: I know, right?

Liss: This is actually shocking. I am actually shocked.

Deeky: LOL! This show is so unbelievable, isn't it?

Liss: It's gobsmacking. Iain just said it's the best show he's ever seen, lol.

Deeky: It's 2012. How did this get made?!

Liss: Me: "This is the most misogynistic show I've ever seen." Iain: "I dunno. I think the jury's still out on that one." Me: "Nope! I am the jury, the judge, AND the executioner, and I am MURDERING THIS SHOW!" Iain (trying not to laugh): "Well, I think it's interesting on a number of sociological levels." Me: "So is divorce."

Deeky: Tell him his b-hole is interesting on a number of sociological levels.

Liss: He says he's very flattered, lol.

[In case there's any confusion about whether Iain actually enjoyed this plop of dogshit, he did not. He was, in fact, quoting statistics at the show about workplace gender inequality and informing it tersely that the "mancession" is misogynist folklore and 2/3 of all new jobs created are filled by men.]

Deeky: I am kind of in awe that this show exists.

Liss: This show hates women more than Bill Maher.

Deeky: LOLOLOL! I almost made the same joke, braintwinz!

Liss: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! I love how he's the benchmark for woman-hating.

Deeky: Well he is!

Liss: He really is!

[See also: Work It Doesn't Work.]

Top Chef: Texas Open Thread

The cast of Top Chef: Texas flaunt their toque blanche for the cameras.
Someone was eliminated! Someone won a prize! There was cooking and shopping and judging. Most importantly: there was judging. Because that's how the chefjudicators send cheftestants home. By judging!

Spoilers below. Discuss!

(See also.)

Great News!

If we remember the year 2011 for nothing else, let us remember that it was the year we first heard about the MTV casting call for a show that's "like Jersey Shore, but with nerds." Because: A) That is obviously going to be a very good show; and B) We're all going to be on it!

(No it isn't. No we're not.)


The Deezen Shore

Heard

Last night, some douchestew who hosts a show on MTV featuring internet clips of people falling on their faces and nutsacks: "This show has lots of good old-fashioned laughter."

Sold!

Remember when laughter when out of fashion? That was sad!

I'm so glad it's back.

Top Chef Texas: Open Thread

Did you enjoy last night's elimination? I know I did! Goodbye to the Person Who Got Eliminated! I will not miss you. You were a bully and a jerk.

Other things I enjoyed: Healthy Choice sponsoring the bacon challenge. Patti LaBelle! Watching approximately 3/4 of the cheftestants masking their apathy about Patti LaBelle's presence with a thin (the thinnest!) veil of awkwardly feigned enthusiasm. She is a national treasure, you assholes! Chris J's buttcrack! Chris C dissing his mom's cooking on teevee. "My mom totally couldn't cook...and she was frankly kind of a slut." Tom Colicchio telling Heather, "Well, BEV used the pressure cooker." Oh SNAP! Ed telling Ty-Lör Boring that he's going to "show his balls" by doing a vegetarian dish. 1. No you're not. 2. No one wants to see your balls, Ed! Keep your balls away from the food!



Exactly.

The Dexter Thread

lol your garbage tableau
The series finale of Dexter will be discussed in detail, which means that SPOILERS lurk herein. If you don't want to know what happened, please pack your plastic wrap and go...

1. All my previous complaining stands.

2. The whole Deb Loves Dexter subplot? No. That's all I got. Just an emphatic no.

3. Remember at the beginning of the series, how Dexter constantly used to give Deb tips to make her look good on the job? Now he constantly undermines her and doesn't care whether her job gets risked because he wants to kill Doomsday himself? Bullshit. That particular piece of empathy didn't evaporate into thin air. The writers can't just pretend that a central part of the character at the series' genesis never happened. There needed to be some scene of reflection, some annoying conversation with Harry about consciously choosing to move from supporting Deb on the job to subverting her on the job.

4. Lions and lambs. Ugh. Who wrote this shit—Dan Brown?

5. The last 30 seconds of the episode? Great. Best 30 seconds of the season. That is not enough good seconds. Please deliver more good seconds next season, writers of Dexter. And stop fucking with Deb!